Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Make them pay to visit us?

84 replies

ps1991 · 13/10/2019 19:45

We had our first baby this year and are struggling with how to manage visiting my mum at Christmas. I have always visited her on Boxing Day, and it’s always been pretty awful. Her house is really disgusting, mess and rubbish everywhere so you can barely sit down, damp everywhere, she never washes the backs of plates/outsides of baking dishes, and her and her husband both smoke. I have only been once since having the baby and it was for 10mins max, and I didn’t put him down at all. She is expecting us to go for the day, have dinner open presents etc. However I want her to visit us instead, but she doesn’t drive and we live 80 miles away. To visit would be my three siblings and her husband too which would be 5 of them on the train, or she would get another family members to bring a few of them. AIBU to say that we’re not wanting to travel to them but I’ll put on a nice dinner if they come to us? If not how do I tell her!

It’s her first grandchild.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 14/10/2019 05:13

This is only your first hurdle. I think you either sit down and express concerns about your kids in her house or always plan to meet out at a cafe or park

RiotAndAlarum · 14/10/2019 05:57

The stickiness and hygiene sound disgusting, but smoke and damp (is there mould as well?) are dangerous. I feel sorry for your siblings. If you put your foot down about your DS, you might help them, too. You say you didn't live with her growing up: is there an escape for your siblings, too, and is your reluctance to be frank with your DM to do with some sort of past rupture when you left?

Sweetpea55 · 14/10/2019 06:12

There is a weekend just before Christmas, she could visit you then.
An alternative is meeting in the middle for a meal somewhere

longwayoff · 14/10/2019 06:14

New baby, you're tired, tell them you want your baby's first Christmas at home. Any sane person will understand that. She wont change so you'd better let her know now what's acceptable and what isn't.

SunsetYorks · 14/10/2019 07:02

I get trains a lot & have become quite good at finding cheapest fares through split tickets etc if you pm me the stations I don’t mind looking for you?

Bunnyfuller · 14/10/2019 07:16

Just have a quiet Christmas with you DH and the baby?

Asking them all to traipse to yours, and in a small house will be even more stress.

Or just go to hers for lunch and go home?

dottiedodah · 14/10/2019 07:22

A good idea with train tickets ,however as others have pointed out ,best to check Trains running over Christmas .Usually a very limited service on Christmas eve/Boxing Day .Not at all sure if they even run at all Christmas day TBH!(just googled SWT in our area ,none running at all and only limited service Xmas Eve/Boxing Day!) I appreciate your concerns regarding Babe but I dont think one day will hurt really .Have you thought of staying in a hotel nearby at all ? Travelodge type place or Guest house ?then you could just go back to hotel for the evening and bath baby there!(Dont forget paper plates!)

MsJaneAusten · 14/10/2019 07:26

I think you have two completely separate issues here. The first - Christmas - is easy.

“Mum, we’ve decided to spend Christmas just as our family this year. Would you like me to get you a train ticket so you can visit the weekend before though?”
(Million’s if families do this. It is not unusual)

The second issue - her home - is much, much tougher. I think you need to tackle it with her completely separately to Christmas. Ask if she’d like help getting it clean? Rope your (half?) siblings into helping you? (You could even arrange it as a surprise for her?)

DoctorAllcome · 14/10/2019 07:30

Do it. Now is the best time to make the break and start your own family Christmas at your house. If you went to hers, you’d fall right back into that rut.
Gifting her the train ticket the first year is a great idea.

Mamasaurus82 · 14/10/2019 07:34

Does your mum know you don't like the state of the house? Could they make an effort and sort it out for the sake of your baby and you?

Mamasaurus82 · 14/10/2019 07:38

Also, I agree with pp that it is perfectly reasonable, especially now you have a new little family, to have christmas at your own house. X

fedup21 · 14/10/2019 07:43

I really like the idea of buying her a train ticket. I don’t think my siblings or her husband will be that bothered about visiting, so I’m thinking of just offering to buy her ticket (£50 just checked!!!) how do I go about telling her this?

Inviting her on her own and offering to pay for just her to come for dinner is a bit mean!

Apolloanddaphne · 14/10/2019 07:44

I think gifting her a ticket to come and stay with you before Christmas is a great idea. She can bring your gifts and se her GC then she can take any gifts you have bought for the rest of your family away with her.

Sagradafamiliar · 14/10/2019 07:48

I wouldn't step foot in the house, I think having a baby doesn't even leave room for polite excuses now that you're a mother yourself with your DC's health as your priority.
I'd arrange a hotel stay for yourselves in your hometown and have Christmas dinner out so you can still have a 'family Christmas' (expensive option) or stick with your plan and have Christmas as your own family unit, offering her to come down and visit at some point over the festive period.

0lapislazuli · 14/10/2019 07:50

Sounds like a very reasonable and sensible thing to do. But you'll have to tell her why. You don’t want to make excuses every time.

Tell her her house isn’t baby friendly, because of the smoke that will be lingering there and the mess (especially bad once you’re baby is on the move).

Likethebattle · 14/10/2019 07:50

I think you need to be honest with her. I will not eat at my mums due to how disgusting her house is. It’s always been a tip but when my dad was alive there was a level of cleanliness, that has now gone. My brother lives back home and neither of them do any cleaning. The bathroom is awful and I’ve seen my brother cooking my putting raw meat onto the worktop but then not cleaning or wiping afterwards. She also has air fresheners that spray every 20 minutes, I told her they can be toxic (my brother had cancer) she then said ‘well if I don’t have them it smells like something has died....’ aye because your house is filthy! I wouldn’t take a child there so I totally get where you are coming from.

Smelborp · 14/10/2019 07:52

Are you a single parent? If not, doesn’t your DH / DP also have family that he might like to see at Christmas? You don’t have to go to your mother on Christmas Day or have them come to you. Make new traditions. You never lived with her growing up so why would you do Christmas together automatically?

Also, some honesty is probably needed. The house sounds unsuitable for a baby but worse for a toddler / pre schooler so letting her know why you have reservations will save heartache in future.

LemonTT · 14/10/2019 07:53

Why not agree to go out for Boxing Day, a light lunch and a walk. Then you can meet half way or go to her location. But you need to say you don’t want the baby in a smoking environment.

As for the cleanliness, again if it is such an issue you need to say something. But I wouldn’t do it before Christmas, maybe sometime after. This will allow things to settle. Again in a neutral place. Be prepared for anger and upset when you do.

NearlyGranny · 14/10/2019 07:55

You could always offer her the gift of a professional deep clean of her house, but they'd have to clear the decks of clutter first! Perhaps your siblings could help with that?

It would have to be tactfully offered, of course, but everyone might enjoy (re)discovering what clean looks, feels and smells like and even try to keep it that way.

It would cost more than £50, probably more like £150, but you could then take your child to visit!

I always roll my sleeves up at MiL's and spend my visit scouring saucepans, making cups and mugs ring-free, washing both sides of her plates and cleaning the fridge and cooker.

NearlyGranny · 14/10/2019 07:57

I can't eat at MiL's until it's cleaned! And I'm quite a messy person in my own home. There's mess and there's dirt, though.

SunniDay · 14/10/2019 07:57

Hi,
I think a train ticket is a good idea but if it’s only one ticket she might not want to leave the others on Boxing Day and the trains are likely to be a skeleton service so horrible to travel.

Why not tell her you won’t be travelling this year at Christmas but buy her a train ticket you can use anytime so that she can visit when she chooses. Ask her if she wants it before Christmas or after. You could offer to visit at the opposite time so if she comes over before Xmas then you go after (not Boxing Day) or vice versa. Visiting not on the main days there will be less pressure to stay all day and you can eat out or buy a takeaway.

SunniDay · 14/10/2019 07:57

“You can use anytime” - I meant she can use anytime.

AJPTaylor · 14/10/2019 07:58

I agree there is a point at which you have to put your foot down. I had this with some relatives. I am far from neat freak. But hoarding/filth etc there is nothing you can do to change it but you don't need to pretend it's ok.
If you can travel down can you not just do lunch at the nearest hungry horse or similar? That's what I do now. I just book a table and say see you there. And it's a good 120 miles each way.

Boysey45 · 14/10/2019 08:09

I'd check the cost of the train, I think it will be much more than £100 for 5 people for a return journey of 80 miles there and back.
What I would do is meet them somewhere else for the day. I wouldn't be paying for all those peoples train tickets no way.I' I would also have an honest talk with your Mum abo

HeyNotInMyName · 14/10/2019 08:12

Errrr.... when you are driving to her house, you are paying to go and see her too.

This year, you want to be the host. That’s it. You are seeing issues where there isn’t any.

And if you think money, it would mean your parents won’t be paying for the food. She will pay for the train instead. I think that’s ok.

Swipe left for the next trending thread