Make them pay to visit us?

[ps1991]

We had our first baby this year and are struggling with how to manage visiting my mum at Christmas. I have always visited her on Boxing Day, and it’s always been pretty awful. Her house is really disgusting, mess and rubbish everywhere so you can barely sit down, damp everywhere, she never washes the backs of plates/outsides of baking dishes, and her and her husband both smoke. I have only been once since having the baby and it was for 10mins max, and I didn’t put him down at all. She is expecting us to go for the day, have dinner open presents etc. However I want her to visit us instead, but she doesn’t drive and we live 80 miles away. To visit would be my three siblings and her husband too which would be 5 of them on the train, or she would get another family members to bring a few of them. AIBU to say that we’re not wanting to travel to them but I’ll put on a nice dinner if they come to us? If not how do I tell her!

It’s her first grandchild.

I'm with @Jellybeansincognito and others that the smoking alone would be enough to stop me going. And you should say that. "Mum, I've been reading about the dangers of smoke, even secondhand, to babies and I can't bring DC to your house safely while you and your DP smoke there. I'm still tired after the baby so we'd like to spend Christmas in our own home. We'd love to see you near Christmas so how about this date for you to come and see us?"

So I’ve said to her that we don’t want to be travelling around Christmas because we want to make it as special as possible for the baby. And she’s welcome to come down before Christmas and I’ll cook a lunch. She has said ‘leave it with me and I’ll see how much it will be for us to come down’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

So far so good OP. you can make a nice Christmassy day at your house, not necessarily, right over the actual Christmas few days. Exchange presents and have all the food. Lots of people do that with different sections of their family. I think it will be nice for your mum etc to spend time out of their usual environment anyway. Doesn't sound like she'd be that into putting on that sort of day anyway although she sounds keen to see her grandchild.

Yabu to expect her to pay her own fate if you want her to visit you instead .

Yabu to expect her to pay her own fate [fare] if you want her to visit you instead .

Really? There is no way on earth I'd expect my adult children to pay for my train fare of fuel if they wanted me to go to their places for whatever reason. As an adult and their mum, that cost is down to me.

About 10 years ago, my driving licence was suspended following surgery (I got it back when fully recovered) and joining the family gathering looked impossible; there were no trains on Christmas Day, Sunday service on Boxing Day. My cousin and her husband, who were hosting, didn't want me to miss out, so they paid for a cab (London suburb to Surrey - not a huge distance) as my Christmas present. I found out by chance later that this astonishingly generous gesture cost just over £100. I wasn't meant to find out, and was embarrassed when I did, but hiring a cab on Christmas Day attracts a much higher tariff.
10 years ago, only one person - make a few enquiries and your eyes might water! Having just had a baby, are your finances up for this kind of hit?
I agree with PP's that the arrival of a new baby is a good moment to begin a new tradition, although the messy house is a whole other question.........

Yabu to expect her to pay her own fate if you want her to visit you instead .
Ha ha really? So if I visit anyone they should pay my traveling expenses.
As I said earlier if she can afford to smoke she can afford train fare

How did you go OP?

You're not making anyone do anything. You have invited them to visit. If they can't, for whatever reason, then they won't. You're not holding a gun to anyone's head.