Make them pay to visit us?

[ps1991]

We had our first baby this year and are struggling with how to manage visiting my mum at Christmas. I have always visited her on Boxing Day, and it’s always been pretty awful. Her house is really disgusting, mess and rubbish everywhere so you can barely sit down, damp everywhere, she never washes the backs of plates/outsides of baking dishes, and her and her husband both smoke. I have only been once since having the baby and it was for 10mins max, and I didn’t put him down at all. She is expecting us to go for the day, have dinner open presents etc. However I want her to visit us instead, but she doesn’t drive and we live 80 miles away. To visit would be my three siblings and her husband too which would be 5 of them on the train, or she would get another family members to bring a few of them. AIBU to say that we’re not wanting to travel to them but I’ll put on a nice dinner if they come to us? If not how do I tell her!

It’s her first grandchild.

I would just put an invite to them.
Don’t mention travel/costs etc. They are grown adults and the logistics is up to them.
And I’m speaking as a daughter of a heavy smoker but if she can afford cigarettes she can afford the train fare.

Oh, the dreaded Christmas and relatives thing. (Another post on here about visiting dirty houses) You cannot offer someone a deep clean, even if you dont like someones elses standards, its THEIR home, to liv as they please, unless they have serious disabilites and cannot manage to clean. Back to the problem, When my last DD was a baby my DH relatives came over for Christmas, (they live abroad) NO_ONE had ever been allowed to smoke in any of our houses, when I mentioned it I was told I couldnt expect them to give up smoking for me. Well, my DD developed asthma, as a baby so, we asked them to smoke outside, they did, but standing in the doorway, so most of the smoke was coming in anyway. I would say, you REALLY want to have your first special Christmas at home with your new baby, but would love to see her, and would she accept the offer of a train ticket (Christmas present) to visit them.

"I think that you need to be truthful and tell your mum that she has to sort the house out if she wants you to bring her grandchild there!!"

It doesn't work like that. Dirty people can't just magically change. Even if they make an effort, their 'effort' is somebody else's disgusting.

"Usually a very limited service on Christmas eve"

Not in my experience. Christmas Eve service might finish a bit earlier, some cafes in changing stations might be closed earlier, but there are usually plenty of trains. I always travel home on Christmas Eve.

What are you hoping to gain from visiting? It sounds like she won't change, doesnt see the issues etc. Get this year over and your little one will be toddling about next Christmas and able to pick things up, etc in a dirty house.
Meet on neutral ground.

@ps1991 Your Mum is an adult woman who has had her entire life to learn to drive (and get a job.) She is probably younger than I am ( in my early 60s) and I was driving from 18. You mum has to face the consequences that what she has chosen to do with her life (not drive, no job, not much money.)

This was all her choice.

BUT- you say she has a husband- do they not have a car? Can he not drive? I don't get this at all.

If you are thinking you can get 5 train tickets for £100 over Xmas you need to wise up! AND you do know there are no trains usually from Christmas Eve to 27 Dec??

I don't think you should pay her train fare or the others, no. Your mum and her DH ought to be budgeting for stuff like this. (and getting a job maybe???)

I don't even think you should necessarily think that you have to be with her and your siblings on Xmas day.

It's not a GIVEN that families get together on Xmas day.

has your mum got mental health issues? Living in a filthy house like that sounds very odd.

@Gwenhwyfar trains stop on Xmas eve and start again on the 27th usually (certainly in the SE.)

Oh dear OP, I 100% understand the concern. If you are happy to invite her and sibs to your house, then that's lovely of you. If you can't accommodate the number of people at the same time, perhaps find a location that you are happy with and suggest it to them. There's no question of you paying for anyone's travel and if you meet up elsewhere, you are financially not covering the hosting either. It's YOUR comfort zone that takes priority here, not that of your mum or your sibs. Have the Christmas that you feel you need and congrats on your new family.

Your circumstances have changed. You've had a baby. You are allowed to say you want to have a quiet Christmas at home alone with just the three of you. Anyone who kicks up a fuss about that is being selfish.

You could always tell a white lie and say one of you has flu nearer the time. I don't feel hguilty about lies like that in connection with people who live in squalor and expect you to run to their bidding, however inconvenient it is for you.

sounds like you've had a difficult and maybe painful relationship/ estrangement with your mum growing up and I imagine having your first child has brought some of those feeling up even more.

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you are a caring daughter despite your (completely justifiable) discomfort in your mum's house, and for her part, your mum appears to be trying too (not smoking for visit/ getting pressies), so I really hope it works out for you both.

If you can afford to pay her train ticket and don't mind hosting (FYI - cooking Xmas dinner when you've got a baby is a work!), I would definitely do that, and just say it would be much more comfortable for you with the baby that way and you hope she understands

Good luck

We host for my dad and paternal grandparents (who I was raised by) and my in laws every Christmas at our home and I did so heavily pregnant last year, as it’s an easy way to get everyone together. My dad and grandparents live fairly close to my mum and have no problem making the journey and the in laws live in the same village as us.

My mums husband doesn’t drive either! It really angers me that they can’t set a decent example for my siblings, but that’s a totally different issue.

I really don’t know how to bring up the issue of her home with her 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think I’m over thinking though, as many have said it’s definitely acceptable to say that I just want to be at home this year. If she does visit though it will be near Christmas but not Christmas Eve/day/Boxing Day.

Ex smoker here. Me and DH visited his smoking friends. I had to excuse myself and gooutside often. The house absolutely reeked of stale smoke and I was feeling nauseous.
There is a difference between messy house but cleaned regularly to one that nobody cares/does. Fag ash on the floor, fag butts sometimes as well.
If somebody wants to live like a pig that’s their business but they have no right to impose it on anybody else.
OP, explain to your parents that seeing as you’ve had a baby you’ll be spending Christmas in your house and they are welcome to join if they want to(that’s if you want to see them)

If it was just a messy house I’d be like yeah- it’s disgusting and I’d not want to but for the sake of family I’d go for the day.

But the smoking is an absolute no no. I’d never take my child to a smokers house.

I think you’re being reasonable offering to host, you don’t have to pay.

I’m assuming you have a very odd relationship with your mum which is why you feel the need to pay for her train ticket? Are things strained because you got brought up by your paternal grandparents?
You’re child in this dynamic, it should be your mum pulling out all the stops for the sake of your relationship, not you.
Wouldn’t hurt her to clean her house and stop smoking in it would it?

Your mum and her partner sound rather odd to be a couple (in their 50s?) and neither of them driving. What's all that about?

Do remember there are no trains on Christmas day.

They would need to travel the day before.

I think you need to change the rules now you have a baby.

We stopped going to parents from the year we had our first child and always had Xmas at home from then on.

Once or twice my parents came to stay ( journey of 300 miles) but more often than not we did the visiting before or after Xmas.

Stay at home - with all your siblings and a husband it's not as if she's going to be alone. Start as you mean to go on - good moment to start making new Christmas arrangements (so you don't have this dilemma every year). Re her house - sounds disgusting, but a short visit won't kill your baby. Otherwise invite her to yours or meet up somewhere in between for lunch on occasions other than Christmas (when transport is running).

Are you sure the trains are running on Boxing Day? I had to get a coach last time I tried to travel that day...

Sorry, just read your update - a day near Xmas, not Boxing Day.

I think it’s fine to say now you’ve had a baby you want to spend the Xmas holidays at home, and also help facilitate your mum visiting.

I'd tell her about the ticket, tell her you'd like the weekend before Xmas.
Also tell her you are worried about the smoke in the house and the effect on baby.
That you'd like to have this quiet time together.
Also you could meet half way sometimes.

It's very simple to just say you are staying in your own house for Christmas. I wouldnt even invite them to yours as it won't work when you cannot accommodate them. Invite your mother to visit for a day either before or after Christmas when the train services are up and running. She has her other kids there so it's not as if herself and her Dh will be sitting on their own. As for visiting in general, I'd just say it's not a healthy environment for the baby, which is the truth. You don't need your baby smelling like an ashtray!

Here’s another vote for meeting your Mum in the days approaching Christmas for a nice lunch out, then do your own thing for Christmas Day.

As @Drum2018 said... the only thing I'd change is that I wouldn't say it's not a healthy environment for my baby (although this is correct by the sounds of it). I'd say "We've decided we want Christmas at home with just our little family". It achieves the same thing, but is more diplomatic.

If you offer to pay for any transport for your mum, it means the scene is set for that to carry on.

Your mum needs a bit of a wake up call. If she wants to see you and her grandchild, she needs to start planning her finances and transport. If she doesn't, she and her husband are going to be dependent on you and the other siblings for decades.

Most children only have these issues of getting their parents to family get togethers when they are much older- in their late 70s and beyond- not when they are (assume) in their 40s and 50s.

If you start making it easy for her now, it will carry on forever and it's not your responsiblity- she's an adult.

Of course YANBU OP. It's not like you're washing your hands of your family over Christmas altogether, you are kindly offering to host them. She may actually see it as a nice change and be happy to get away from her mess and come over to yours. Just tell her that with a baby it's a bit stressful/tiring for you to come to hers so you would love it if she came to you instead, then if she tells you that money would be a problem offer her the train ticket money as a Christmas present.

All sounds rather complicated. You clearly don’t like visiting her home which is fine and if they smoke in the house you have every reason not to with a young baby or even a child for that matter.

Tell her you’ll meet them for a meal or something shortly before or after Christmas.

I think you are being quite thoughtful actually. Despite your mother's downfalls with cleanliness and smoking, you clearly still think a lot of her, and want her as part of your child's life, and are worried about upsetting her, or putting her in a difficult financial position having to shell out to travel to you instead, but YANBU.
My mum doesn't live far about 45 mins but with all the things you need with a baby in toe I have 2 of a lot of things so I don't have to bring so much. It would be a lot easier for people to come to you, and I'm sure most people would understand, especially having to travel there and back in the same day.
I would suggest a day or two before or after Christmas to invite all to you. Say you want Christmas at home with new baby as too stressful to travel. You could always Skype your mum on Christmas day if you think she'll be upset not to see you on the day.