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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fil is being a bit cheeky?

175 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 14:08

Fil has just texted dh "what day will we (him and step mil) be having Christmas Dinner at your house". Bit of background - Fil has not really been interested in us until we had our ds. He would see dh once or twice a year for a few hours. Since he divorced DH's mum when dh was a child he hasn't done much for dh. I have never been invited to his house in the 11 years I have been with dh. AIBU to think fil is being cheeky and if he wants Christmas Dinner with us he can host?
No doubt will get suggestions that dh cook but dh can't cook well and would struggle with the shopping, preparing and cooking a Christmas dinner. When he was at university he made himself frozen food and ready meals or at best pasta with a jar of sauce poured on top or a plain omelette. So I would end up doing most of the cooking and cleaning. And a fancy Christmas Dinner from Marks and Spencer where you just pop it in the oven is a bit too expensive since we have so many Christmas presents and birthday presents to buy (6 birthdays in November and December).

OP posts:
Shessobrave · 14/10/2019 19:31

@SchadenfreudePersonified * Anyone can cook it’s just following instructions

Agreedy if you are greedy hungry and can read, you can cook.* Excuse me?! I can't due to my disabilities. Not at all.....

JennyWoodentop · 14/10/2019 19:31

He's cheeky but if you want to preserve the relationship for the sake of your child you could offer something, but not another Christmas dinner

Hi, good to hear from you.
We assumed that you & step MIL would be hosting her side of the family for Christmas Day as usual & that we are not invited as usual
Therefore we plan to have Christmas dinner at ours on Christmas Day & we are going to MIL's on Boxing Day
We won't be cooking another big meal after all that but you are welcome here on 27th for soup & sandwiches / pizza / buffet / coffeee & mince pies / whatever - hope that works.....

LionsHeart · 14/10/2019 19:31

"It's YOUR turn to host - we look forward to the invite".

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 19:33

It would be kind to invite him over at some point near Christmas. He clearly values his grandchild. Texts do not always convey very well the sentiment behind them - they sound v blunt. It doesn’t seem like he actually expects you to cook him a turkey on actual Christmas Day. Surely chilli in jackets or pizzas, garlic bread and salad with a ready made pud would not be expensive or time consuming and it would oil the wheels of goodwill

THen why didn’t FIL invite them to his house?

ToodlePipsky · 14/10/2019 20:47

I'd be tempted to be brutally honest:

So let me get this right; You have xmas dinner on xmas day with your wife's family as always, without EVER inviting your own DS, DGC and DIL, but have the audacity to invite yourself to ours for a second xmas dinner cooked and paid for by us. You've got some brass neck, I'll give you that!

Or

When hell freezes over

ToftyAC · 14/10/2019 21:10

@ToodlePipsky
Priceless...... 🤣 and perfect 👌🏻

lynzpynz · 14/10/2019 21:17

Just reply saying sorry our Christmas Dinner is on Christmas day, of course we'd be happy to spend Christmas day all together but you're always busy with step MILs family so we can't.

ispepsiokay · 14/10/2019 21:27

I'd be brutally honest.

In X years we've not once had an invite for Christmas dinner as that's reserved for MILs children. We have no intention of preparing or hosting a second meal.

Accountant222 · 14/10/2019 21:50

I would just ignore the message

Localocal · 14/10/2019 22:59

That sounds like a jokey way to say he would like to see you and your DH and DS over Christmas. I doubt he meant to be cheeky, or meant you to go to a lot of trouble. But he may feel he can't ask SIL to host "his" family, and he wants to be more present for his grandson than he was for his son, so he is hoping you will do the honours.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and invite them for Boxing Day or something. But just cook something normal - not a second Christmas dinner.

LovePoppy · 14/10/2019 23:03

But he may feel he can't ask SIL to host "his" family, and he wants to be more present for his grandson than he was for his son, so he is hoping you will do the honours.

Then HE can host his son
No need to be “jokey”, he can invite his own kid out.

Clear communication is not actually hard

NearlyGranny · 14/10/2019 23:28

Tell them they're coming to yours the very next year after you've been to theirs, I reckon.

Beveren · 14/10/2019 23:44

Easy response. "We have Christmas dinner on Christmas Day, why would we have it twice?"

Ce7913 · 15/10/2019 00:57

So FIL has had no interest in investing or maintaining a relationship with his own son, or in being a decent father.

FIL has also played favourites with his stepchildren over his son, continually and deliberately excluding him from 'family' holiday celebrations. (What an absolute disgrace).

He's had no interest in building a relationship with you, his son's wife.

... But now you have a baby, he expects to be able to invite himself - with his wife who also has never treated you as family - over to vampirise your family's special occasions.

You and your husband weren't 'family' when you didn't have anything they wanted, but now that you do, they expect a position of honour at your holiday celebrations?

I'm shocked you have any contact at all with FIL absent his heartfelt, specific apology and undertaking to make amends.

Alexapourmeadrink · 15/10/2019 01:37

Have them over for a takeaway. Forget the past, move on.

I’m sure you cook and eat everyday though. If you don’t want the expense of a takeaway, buy a couple of extra pork chops and peel a few extra spuds.

You’re over thinking this. Christmas is the season of joy! Go with the flow!

LittlePaintBox · 15/10/2019 02:08

Give a firm 'no' now, otherwise the question will keep coming back.

YANBU - it's incredibly cheeky to invite yourself over for Christmas dinner.

We have had so many family ructions over people inviting themselves for Christmas, or inviting us but not inviting the people who were coming to us because they'd invited themselves to ours, that it had started to make me stressed just thinking about it. So this year I've already told people what I'M doing, and said they will have to work round that.

I fear being 'nice' and accommodating him this year will just set up a tradition!

Monty27 · 15/10/2019 02:12

Tell him he's welcome to take you all out for dinner as you don't entertain at home due to DC routines.

FinallyHere · 15/10/2019 09:33

Lots of good responses here @LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas

I'd go with the hahaha one but you have lots to choose from

The thing that jumped out for me was your explanation why DH can't cook which them went on to explain that you would end up doing the cooking ... and the cleaning.

How about distinguishing cooking and cleaning? Asking DH whether he wants to learn to cook so you can share both cooking and cleaning or divide it so that you cook and he cleans? Then let him choose and follow through.

Bugbabe1970 · 15/10/2019 10:09

Just be honest!
Say you are having Xmas as usual

AngusThermopyle · 15/10/2019 10:38

I would have had to said "oh, are we not at yours this year with other dc's etc?" 😬

Sceptre86 · 15/10/2019 13:20

You could have them around the next day for leftovers eg. Turkey sandwiches or curry. Make it clear that the full xmas dinner will not be on offer. Or you could arrange to meet out for a coffee or cake, also you could invite yourself over to theirs instead. He might well be a better grandparent than parent but just depends if you as a couple want to keep such a one sided relationship going. I don't think I would bother tbh.

Durgasarrow · 15/10/2019 13:45

"Our house will be bedlam after Christmas, but if you'd like to take us out, there's a restaurant nearby that I'm sure we'd all enjoy if we can find a mutually agreeable time. XOX"

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 16/10/2019 09:23

Update - DH told his dad we are having Christmas dinner on Christmas day and we can squeeze two more in. Fil's reply was that he was having Christmas Dinner with his wife's family on Christmas day. So dh replied that we are not hosting 2 Christmas dinners and that they are welcome to visit for tea and mince pies. Fil's only reply was "ow"

Ce7913
You and your husband weren't 'family' when you didn't have anything they wanted, but now that you do, they expect a position of honour at your holiday celebrations?

This sums up how I feel. He definitely did play favourites with his stepchildren over his own children. He took his stepchildren on holiday but never his own children even when his own children were young children.

OP posts:
Howyiz · 16/10/2019 09:26

Your poor DH! Those responses are both hurtful and infuriating.

Mephisto · 16/10/2019 09:27

Great update. Welcoming yet assertive.

Let's see if those step children are around in his old age and needs help.