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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fil is being a bit cheeky?

175 replies

LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 14:08

Fil has just texted dh "what day will we (him and step mil) be having Christmas Dinner at your house". Bit of background - Fil has not really been interested in us until we had our ds. He would see dh once or twice a year for a few hours. Since he divorced DH's mum when dh was a child he hasn't done much for dh. I have never been invited to his house in the 11 years I have been with dh. AIBU to think fil is being cheeky and if he wants Christmas Dinner with us he can host?
No doubt will get suggestions that dh cook but dh can't cook well and would struggle with the shopping, preparing and cooking a Christmas dinner. When he was at university he made himself frozen food and ready meals or at best pasta with a jar of sauce poured on top or a plain omelette. So I would end up doing most of the cooking and cleaning. And a fancy Christmas Dinner from Marks and Spencer where you just pop it in the oven is a bit too expensive since we have so many Christmas presents and birthday presents to buy (6 birthdays in November and December).

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:08

Fucking hell the way some people go on about fucking Christmas it's unreal. He tried to invite himself to come over and sponge off you only because you have a child now. Just tell him no.

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2019 15:14

So was there no plans to see him Christmas week?

Do you want your DS to have a relationship with him or not?

Apolloanddaphne · 13/10/2019 15:15

So they aren't asking to come for actual Christmas dinner, just a meal at some point over Christmas? Or do they expect you to cook a second full Christmas dinner on a different day just for them?

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 15:16

Ponoka7 he can visit and see dc. But expecting us to make him Christmas dinner is the cheeky bit.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 13/10/2019 15:16

So what are you going to reply?

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 15:17

Apolloanddaphne they expect us to cook a second full Christmas dinner on a different day just for them.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:19

So tell him NO and be done with it.

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 15:19

fedup21 ill get dh (I don't have fil's phone number) to reply that we won't be hosting and something like we will host after them that people have suggested.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 13/10/2019 15:20

The norm would be to have a special dinner and in most cases, you'd host the Grandparents.

I think you need to decide how you want things to be going forward.

Your DS won't want ill feeling and a half arsed attempt at contact.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/10/2019 15:21

Anyone can cook it’s just following instructions

Agreedy if you are greedy hungry and can read, you can cook.

But if your present arrangement suits the two of you, that's your business.

I would reply as others have suggested - either "It's your turn" , or "Come the day after boxing day and share our turkey curry" or "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

timshelthechoice · 13/10/2019 15:21

Don't host! Suggest meeting up somewhere.

aweedropofsancerre · 13/10/2019 15:21

That would be a ‘no’. He sounds awful and I feel for your DH having a father who didn’t prioritise him as a DC and still doesn’t as an adult.

DuckonaBike · 13/10/2019 15:22

If FIL wants to have a relationship with you now that you have a child, why hasn't he invited you round to theirs? Inviting yourself to someone else's is just rude regardless of other circumstances.

If you have them round to yours make clear that it's for a cup of tea and a mince pie, not that you're cooking another Christmas dinner.

SunshineCake · 13/10/2019 15:23

It feels a bit like you want to punish him forever for being an absent dad.

It cuts when one can't offer their dc grandparents. I'd be suggesting you have a serious talk and think about how you want to go forward with a relationship.

Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 15:24

Ponoka7 ill be hosting Christmas Dinner on Christmas day. Fil can't come on Christmas day because he and step mil are hosting her children and grandchildren. We are not and have never been invited

OP posts:
Original poster
LionsTigersAndBearsAndPandas · 13/10/2019 15:26

SunshineCake if he wants Christmas Dinner with our dc he can host surely? Or come round for tea and a mince pie.

OP posts:
Saddler · 13/10/2019 15:26

Tell him you're cooking Christmas Day and leave it at that

altiara · 13/10/2019 15:27

Why don’t you say “we’re having Christmas dinner on Christmas Day, thought you were doing your own thing at your house?! Happy to pop over otherwise”

If he clarifies they want another dinner, ask them to bring some buffet food/leftovers or something.

Apolloanddaphne · 13/10/2019 15:28

Apolloanddaphne they expect us to cook a second full Christmas dinner on a different day just for them.

In that case I would be telling them they are welcome to come and visit but they will get whatever food you choose to provide for them. Leave the ball in their court.

greenlynx · 13/10/2019 15:29

Well, if you want to see them and don’t want to cook full Xmas dinner just invite them and don’t cook full Xmas dinner. He probably used this phrase as a sort of excuse. He probably wanted to come for dinner ( and it’s ok) but didn’t know how to phrase it. Now it’s your turn to decide what you want and invite him for whatever is more convenient for you (and it’s ok as well) . If he’s so interested in your DS food doesn’t matter.
He wasn’t great father but he might be a good Grand father and your DS might have a good relationship with him.

5zeds · 13/10/2019 15:29

Just say you aren’t planning on cooking a second Xmas dinner but would love to see him if he wants to pop in for tea and cakes in the new year.

Jeschara · 13/10/2019 15:35

Could you arrange to go to a restaurant a little before or after Xmas and you all pay for yourselves.

KurriKurri · 13/10/2019 15:36

I'd just correct his assumption that you will be providing a Christmas dinner on any other day than Christmas day- who wants two anyway ?

If you want to see them- offer a cold buffet on another day during the holiday, and ask them to bring a dessert.
If they insist (and I don;t know how anyone can insist you cook a Christmas dinner for them - you just don't do it !) then you have two months for your Dh to l earn to cook a Christmas dinner - plenty of time, and roast turkey is not a difficult meal to prepare - you can basically shove it al in the oven and forget about it, the veg are fairly easy to prepare, stuffing and cranberry sauce etc can be bought in packets or jars. And again they can bring dessert or bring some of the trimmings.
They sound very demanding - my inclination would be to say 'sorry - not happening, you can treat us to a meal out'

cometothinkofit · 13/10/2019 15:36

How about asking them to tea on Boxing Day instead, would that work?

Thenn the food could just be cold meats, sausage rolls, salad etc and Christmas cake. Not too much effort, just opening packets.

ImNotYourGranny · 13/10/2019 15:37

Reply, 'the day after you've made amends for not inviting your son for Christmas for the last x years'.

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