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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best mate overstepped boundaries opinion.

159 replies

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 16:30

Hi there just a brief background info, I'm a single parent to two kids under 6 and currently 32 weeks pregnant with baby 3. I've known this girl about 5 years and we have become really close this past year when I've had no family or much friend support.

This friend of mine knew about my past experiences with sexual assault and difficulties with that and she also knows my opinion on her husband as I've said in nice ways I don't understand the attraction to him when we have discussed our types of guys but they are a lovely family.

So about 3 weeks ago this friend messaged me at 1am, totally sober saying completely out of the blue how she and her husband just finished being intimate and how they spoke about involving me and how would I sleep with her husband when the time comes. To which my reply was along the lines of what the hell and no not a chance in hell. We then spoke back and forward her saying she just wanted to please her husband and she thought that would do it and me saying how did you possibly expect me to react to this as firstly I'm pregnant, secondly you know I have zero attraction to your husband and especially with my past history also.

I stopped speaking to her as she was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and almost pimped out, so she shows up to my home while thankfully I was out shopping my kids and I got home to chocolates and a letter.

What was in the letter horrified me, she was using words which I had used to describe how I felt after my assault to try and justify her actions which I felt was hugely manipulative and a slap in the face. I haven't spoken to her since leaving myself completely alone with no support during my pregnancy as I feel the trust has gone and no one to watch my kids when I go into labour in a few weeks but I still feel like I have made the right choice as I couldn't even look at her now. But I would like to hear everyone else's opinions on it.

TIA

OP posts:
Thehop · 12/10/2019 18:52

Where do you live OP? Can you get in touch with your local childcare choices to ask about a sitter or childminder so that you have chance to introduce your children to someone before you have your baby? Maybe someone here can recommend something local to you?

Do your older children attend nursery? Very often the staff will babysit. Maybe worth asking the manager for a chat?

ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 18:53

Have you thought about doulas? Trainees can be free or very low cost whilst they're going through their assessments, but are fully trained to offer support - one on-call to support you emotionally and physically for the birth, and one postnatally, and to be on-call for childcare during the birth. Perhaps they can work as a team - trainees often know others locally as they may work with back-up.

Try Doula UK

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 18:54

Who are all these nursery workers and TA's, who are willing to babysit people's kids overnight? Confused

I know plenty who have been asked and all of them have very firmly declined, stating that they have lives of their own outside of work and anyway, they wouldn't risk their jobs doing such a thing.

ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 18:55

If you look up any Doula UK doula locally to you she'll put the word out for you on their own local doula network, to see who might be available

Haffdonga · 12/10/2019 18:55

It sounds like you are a wonderful mum mynameishuman .

Please don't worry about your dcs in foster care. It could be inside a day so not traumatic at all for them if you present it as positive to them. I'd prepare them a little overnight bag each with a few special toys, books or teddies, a change of clothes and their important things. Put in each bag a letter for foster carers about their routines, likes and dislikes and any important info like medication and allergies and your phone number. Talk through with the dcs what will happen and make it sound a positive and assure them you will be back at home with them very soon. Then when labour starts you wont need to rush round preparing them.

As for your former friend - it very much does sound like she set out to manipulate you possibly into prostitution. She thought you were vulnerable but you were so much stronger than she realised. I'm afraid she never was a friend. She is an abuser. Well done for avoiding her damage.

Good luck with the birth Flowers

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 12/10/2019 18:55

WTAF?! I'm so sorry to hear of your past experiences, and as someone who hasn't encountered any of what you describe Flowers she's insanely out of line, WTF is the matter with her?!
I'd be like "erm, no, pack it in you fucking weirdo" and change the subject stay the hell away from her in future

There could've been any number of reasons why she couldn't look after your kids. Can you look at a few babysitting agencies and check availability?

This, Worra talks sense. There's surely someone, and I wouldn't be relying on her.

ddl1 · 12/10/2019 18:57

Wow. I don't think her talking about sex is necessarily such a red flag, but suggesting that you become involved most definitely IS - especially saying it when you're pregnant. As other posters have said, I would talk to her in person, just in case it's someone else, most likely her husband doing this. But if it does turn out to be her, and especially if she doesn't back down about it, try to avoid her in the future. I would look up other babysitting options. I don't know where you live, but if it's a college/ university town, there may be quite a few students interested in earning a bit of money occasionally (though of course you'd have to check their trustworthiness). There are sites for finding babysitters: www.sitters.co.uk/‎ www.childcare.co.uk Yes, there are costs, but if it's a one-off, it may not be totally unaffordable. Or- I presume that your older child at least is at school. Might the parents of one of their schoolmates possibly be willing to look after the children at the relevant time? Maybe you could talk to their teacher and ask if she knows of any possibilities. Or your GP might have some advice?

Sagradafamiliar · 12/10/2019 18:58

Doulas and childminders are suggestions OP has of course considered, but they're out of her current price range as she's already said.
There are solutions though, as these situations come up all the time.

Dan68 · 12/10/2019 19:00

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear that you’re in this horrible situation. Would you be able to post or pm me your general area in Glasgow? Eg north east, south, etc. I know a lot of the HVs in Glasgow and just want to see if there’s anything else I can do to help.

Original poster
Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 19:01

I've done that haffdonga, actually got very emotional as I wrote a letter to whoever would be looking after them and explained their routines and what they liked and dislike and allergies and food tastes and then begged them to take good care of my babies as they are my world and left them my phone number and asked them to text me if possible.

I believe Foster care is safer than childminders or gumtree baby sitters and I know they are throughly vetted but I can't help but worry still. I'm genuinely not worried about being on my own in labour, I'm worried obviously for baby but my main concern just now are my two getting looked after and being okay

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2019 19:03

What on earth is wrong with the children going into temporary Foster care when OP is in hospital? That keeps it all official and OP can relax, well give birth knowing the children are safe and looked after. It's only temporary, they aren't going to stay!!

RevealTheLegend · 12/10/2019 19:05

Please DONT get upset,about emergency foster care.

Your children will be far better off going to a fully background checked, safe, properly set up foster carer who will have had bags of experience in this situation. Far far better than foisting them on some randomer as PPs on this thread suggest.

Sell it to them as an adventure. They’ll probably look back on it as a bit of fun outside of the routine.

ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 19:07

Nothing wrong Laguna, but if there was a trustworthy local doula OP could engage for free or expenses only (very likely with a trainee), she would know who it was, build a relationship with them and also they could stay together in their own home.

But the letters etc sound fab for mitigating any upset, framing it as an adventure for the DC.

Original poster
Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 19:08

I wish there was a cheap doula, I tried emailing a local doula and she said for all her services it would be £800, so not even going down that route again.

OP posts:
PinkyU · 12/10/2019 19:08

Have messaged you human

Phoebesgift · 12/10/2019 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Butchyrestingface · 12/10/2019 19:10

This is why excellent contraception is so important. Bit too late now though...

Don't worry. She's gonna keep a picture of you by the bed next time. Wink

Coyoacan · 12/10/2019 19:10

I have a vague memory of being looked after by relatives when my mum wented into hospital when I was three. I'm sure your children will be very well looked after by foster parents, OP.

I was a single mother, OP, and it is not always possible to do the ideal thing for our children. My philosophy was and is that you do your best and sometimes things are meant to happen to our children that we can't prevent. If mothers had it all our own way, our children would never ever have any unpleasant experiences.

Queenoftheashes · 12/10/2019 19:12

Wow @Phoebesgift what a useless and unpleasant comment

Strangerthingshere · 12/10/2019 19:12

Phoebesgift hope that comment made you feel good about yourself, kicking someone when they're down. Don't be a dick

BristolCat · 12/10/2019 19:13

From what you say about her constantly mentioning her DH and his attractiveness + their sex life, it sounds like she has been grooming you OP. She may well have preyed on you as she thought you were sufficiently 'vulnerable' due to your past which you'd shared with her in good faith. I'm sorry this has happened but please don't blame yourself. They both sound toxic and it wouldn't surprise me if they've done this before / tried this with other people.

You are best off staying well away and blocking this toxic person. Thanks

Original poster
Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 19:14

I can only take the mini pill which I was on and this is the second time it failed. Which i also found out this is my last chance to have another child too for medical reasons so no I wouldn't have an abortion as I couldn't go through with it but I don't see why I need to justify myself to you @Phoebesgift

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 19:17

I wish there was a cheap doula

Send an email to Doula UK, or look up trainees via the search box on their website. There's also an access fund which pays for a doula if mums have low income or particular needs.

Phoebesgift · 12/10/2019 19:18

Well you don't have to justify anything but you are in a bit of a pickle now aren't you? Good luck anyway.

Original poster
Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 19:20

Genuinely wonder why people like you and others on this, just come on to be nasty. Nothing else better to do @phoebesgift

OP posts:
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