Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Best mate overstepped boundaries opinion.

159 replies

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 16:30

Hi there just a brief background info, I'm a single parent to two kids under 6 and currently 32 weeks pregnant with baby 3. I've known this girl about 5 years and we have become really close this past year when I've had no family or much friend support.

This friend of mine knew about my past experiences with sexual assault and difficulties with that and she also knows my opinion on her husband as I've said in nice ways I don't understand the attraction to him when we have discussed our types of guys but they are a lovely family.

So about 3 weeks ago this friend messaged me at 1am, totally sober saying completely out of the blue how she and her husband just finished being intimate and how they spoke about involving me and how would I sleep with her husband when the time comes. To which my reply was along the lines of what the hell and no not a chance in hell. We then spoke back and forward her saying she just wanted to please her husband and she thought that would do it and me saying how did you possibly expect me to react to this as firstly I'm pregnant, secondly you know I have zero attraction to your husband and especially with my past history also.

I stopped speaking to her as she was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and almost pimped out, so she shows up to my home while thankfully I was out shopping my kids and I got home to chocolates and a letter.

What was in the letter horrified me, she was using words which I had used to describe how I felt after my assault to try and justify her actions which I felt was hugely manipulative and a slap in the face. I haven't spoken to her since leaving myself completely alone with no support during my pregnancy as I feel the trust has gone and no one to watch my kids when I go into labour in a few weeks but I still feel like I have made the right choice as I couldn't even look at her now. But I would like to hear everyone else's opinions on it.

TIA

OP posts:

Fantie · 12/10/2019 17:04

She’s obv Into swinging which isn’t for you (understandable) but I’d rather a friend have my kids then they go into a foster home

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 12/10/2019 17:06

Blimey

Original poster

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 17:07

Saying it casually?! I'm sorry if I didn't exactly plan everything in my life perfectly and I'm not okay with my kids going into Foster care I was supposed to be doing a homebirth but for my health and baby's health I can't, sorry I'm not on a high wage that I cannot afford a sitter for two days at £8 per hour at the cheapest. Them going into Foster breaks my heart I've been crying nightly over this and I do not want this to happen, yes I fell pregnant and I couldn't go through with an abortion, yes the father isn't involved. I cannot force him to be involved or give me support, I am a fucking fantastic mother to my kids and have tried looking at everyone option, asked friends and people who I know through my kids play mates and they said they are too busy with work and their kids to watch them which is a big ask, I do not want this for my children this is the very last bloody resort and I've tried every option so don't you dare sit on your backside judging me for having no other choice than this.

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/10/2019 17:09

That's what you got from all that was written in the OP Hollowtalk?!

ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 17:09

No - don't let her have the kids FFS. Have you looked at www.home-start.org.uk OP?

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 17:09

I've said in nice ways I don't understand the attraction to him when we have discussed our types of guys

You have discussed sexual attraction with her then.

her saying she just wanted to please her husband and she thought that would do it and me saying how did you possibly expect me to react to this as firstly I'm pregnant

You don't have to be prudish to not be interested in threesomes or wife swapping.

I feel so hurt and alone now, and completely sick as I have genuinely no one to watch my little ones when I get my induction in 6 weeks which means emergency foster care and possibly them getting split up into different homes.

Is there no Father in the picture? for child 1 2 or forth coming baby 3 that could help? You have 6 weeks for try finding someone else OP, don't let this person back into your world.

ThreeLittleDots · 12/10/2019 17:10

(that FFS was aimed at PP btw, not you op!)

8by8 · 12/10/2019 17:10

That’s such an insane step over your boundaries that I’m not sure you could trust her with your children tbh.

I know a family who do emergency foster care and they are honestly the loveliest warmest people I’ve ever met so that’s probably the best option.

Are your older children in school? Just wondering if any of their friends would have them overnight? I’d do that in a shot for anybody in my son’s class in that situation.

Original poster

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 17:10

Sorry to everyone who has been lovely on this but chickengoujon, your comment was so out of line.

OP posts:

PEkithelp · 12/10/2019 17:10

please contact some local childminders. I don’t think they would charge as much as £200. Certainly not where I am. They may also have an assistant who is DBS checked. It seems quite extreme to have to take them to the hospital and scary for you all.

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 17:11

What's the difference (to the kids) in being looked after from someone from a babysitting agency and being looked after by a foster carer?

There's every chance they won't be separated as you have 6 weeks to sort this out.

PEkithelp · 12/10/2019 17:11

I’m sorry your friend wasn’t worthy of you. It says nothing about you and everything about what a very weird person they are. You’ve made the right decision,

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/10/2019 17:11

I can't imagine saying to a friend of mine that I couldn't understand her attraction to her husband. Why would you say that? My previous comment aimed at this.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 17:16

In that case short-term foster care is ideal for you.

I agree... do not panic, there are lots of phenomenal Foster carers out there, who will cherish you kids until you are back home safely. Don't get yourself into a state right now, you have time to speak to someone about a short term help.

Original poster

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 17:23

The local childminders here are at least 7.50 per hour and I don't know any in the new area we have moved to just two months ago. I have contacted home-start they have been great but said they cannot help me with this but will help after the birth. I have made some friends with the mums at the new school and I have asked them but they have said no, and I cannot Badger them into it as it is a massive favour I'm currently trying to sort some sort of respite care with my HV in which the kids and I will get to meet the carer in advance and get to the know them but the way it's looking its highly unlikely we will get that. My HV herself wad the one who told me I would need to take them into hospital and they have high risk of being separated which kills me the thought of how scared they would be at that I wish I didn't have to go into hospital I don't want to go in, I'm going to try asking one of the school mums again when she is back from holiday but I think she will say no. I'm trying every avaliable option, I've asked the local nursery on recommendations of sitters and prices, I've even asked my dd's old nursery, I've got friends who have 2+ more kids and juggle full time jobs and they can't help me. I've went to every possible agency to ask for help and no one is doing anything. If I could afford a sitter who could watch them both at home I would but I barely can afford to keep us afloat just now, it's a mess a complete and utter mess, I'm scared shitless not for myself but for my children, my poor kids I can't even imagine how they will feel or think, I wish it didn't come to this, I'm crying out for help and every bloody time I'm getting doors closed in my face.

OP posts:

Imtootired · 12/10/2019 17:23

@ChickenGoujonDestroyer pretty nasty comments there. OP are single parent groups in your area? If so maybe you could post on their Facebook page and find someone who knows what it feels like and had been in similar circumstances who would be willing to help. Or maybe a local charity for expectant mothers? I’m sure you’ll sort something out. And I wouldn’t talk to this “friend” again, they sound like disgusting weirdos trying to take advantage of a pregnant single mum. Absolutely disgusting perverts. You’re much better off away from them. Hopefully with the new baby you can join some groups and make a few new friends and you can help each other out in the future.

ElizaDee · 12/10/2019 17:23

Could you ask a TA or after-school club person or whatever to sit for them?

That's got to be better than foster care.

Gingerkittykat · 12/10/2019 17:23

Your kids are going to go into foster care whilst you have your baby?? And you're ok with that?? Priorities OP. If you can afford this 3rd child you can afford to pay a babysitter for a planned birth. The way you sat foster care as well so casually like it's a normal part of things confused You have bigger problems than your weirdo swinger mates.

Fuck right off.

The OP is in a vulnerable position, which her friend has sought to exploit. The fact she mentioned foster care does not mean she is treating the subject casually, the fact she doesn't want this shows she knows how serious it is.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position. I would also say to ditch this friend since she obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Do you have any support for when the new baby is here?

Serin · 12/10/2019 17:24

Your friend is a nut case.
I would keep away from her.
Make new friends. It's not that hard to do when you have young ones, just get chatting at toddler groups.
TBH I would much rather leave my kids with a fully vetted, experienced foster carer than a casual friend.

8by8 · 12/10/2019 17:26

Emergency foster care is made for this kind of situation - don’t feel bad if this is what you have to do this time for your family.

Imtootired · 12/10/2019 17:28

Yes if it does come to foster care it’s not the end of the world! It doesn’t mean you’ve failed in anything, it just means you need a bit of help for a bit. As long as they know it’s just for a day or two and then they get to see the baby I’m sure they will be fine and very excited

MaryLane93 · 12/10/2019 17:28

Is there absolutely nobody you can reach out to? Even if it's a family member you haven't spoken to in years, it's better than social services or this weird boundary-less so called "friend." You could try speaking to domestic violence services to see if they have any advice. Also, I would not overlook going to a church organisation like the Salvation Army. Probably a very long shot, but people in religious groups and churches can be incredibly generous compared to the general public. Even if you didn't feel comfortable using their time, they might be able to rally around. That's what people did before the state, they asked their church or parish for help. At worst they'll say no and refer you to social services for support, which means you would then have prior social services involvement and could make some kind of plans.

I would expect them to end up on some kind of social services plan because you don't have any support, and they may decide that because you would be unable to deal with unexpected circumstances (like one of the kids needing a trip to A&E) that they are better not being in your care right now. So any alternative plan you can come up with you need to do. And if you can't afford stuff for the baby, it is better to be short on nappies and clothes, even a crib of a pram, than it is to be short on childcare during labour.

I understand that domestic violence strips you of your support networks, and leaves you vulnerable to other bad relationships, but the emotional side can wait, you need to find a spare safe pair of hands, even if it's your neighbour! You don't have to leave them at somebodies house, either, just having somebody to sit with them in the hospital is better than having no plan or no support at all.

Please look into doulas, though. Having somebody who is there to support YOU during labour is really important to

Mephisto · 12/10/2019 17:29

I can't imagine saying to a friend of mine that I couldn't understand her attraction to her husband. Why would you say that?

I can see how this happened. The 'friend' asks what kind of men OP likes, OP replies, the friend asks what do you think of my husband, do you think he's good looking. OP makes a non-commital response. The friend asks if OP is attracted to him, OP says no, he's not my cup of tea. Very easily done.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 17:31

My HV herself wad the one who told me I would need to take them into hospital and they have high risk of being separated which kills me the thought of how scared they would be at that I wish I didn't have to go into hospital I don't want to go in

Your HV has driven your anxiety levels up unnecessarily OP.. she is bang out of order scaring you and has not been helpful you at all, infact she has done nothing except stress you. There is a wealth of helpful information from the posters on here, hopefully someone with more knowledge than me will be along soon. Please try not to stress.

SuperSara · 12/10/2019 17:31

Your friends are swingers.

It doesn't mean they're some sort of monsters, although I can understand how uncomfortable you've been made to feel.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7