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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Best mate overstepped boundaries opinion.

159 replies

Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 16:30

Hi there just a brief background info, I'm a single parent to two kids under 6 and currently 32 weeks pregnant with baby 3. I've known this girl about 5 years and we have become really close this past year when I've had no family or much friend support.

This friend of mine knew about my past experiences with sexual assault and difficulties with that and she also knows my opinion on her husband as I've said in nice ways I don't understand the attraction to him when we have discussed our types of guys but they are a lovely family.

So about 3 weeks ago this friend messaged me at 1am, totally sober saying completely out of the blue how she and her husband just finished being intimate and how they spoke about involving me and how would I sleep with her husband when the time comes. To which my reply was along the lines of what the hell and no not a chance in hell. We then spoke back and forward her saying she just wanted to please her husband and she thought that would do it and me saying how did you possibly expect me to react to this as firstly I'm pregnant, secondly you know I have zero attraction to your husband and especially with my past history also.

I stopped speaking to her as she was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and almost pimped out, so she shows up to my home while thankfully I was out shopping my kids and I got home to chocolates and a letter.

What was in the letter horrified me, she was using words which I had used to describe how I felt after my assault to try and justify her actions which I felt was hugely manipulative and a slap in the face. I haven't spoken to her since leaving myself completely alone with no support during my pregnancy as I feel the trust has gone and no one to watch my kids when I go into labour in a few weeks but I still feel like I have made the right choice as I couldn't even look at her now. But I would like to hear everyone else's opinions on it.

TIA

OP posts:
verytiredandstressed · 12/10/2019 17:33

Yikes op , she and her weirdo partner befriended you in some sort of grooming thing to get you into bed .
Urgh they obviously have sussed that you've vulnerable and all this what do you think of my partner is weird .

Definitely definitely stay away from them , I'm sure someone can help . I really hope you get yourself sorted op.

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 17:33

Could you ask a TA or after-school club person or whatever to sit for them?

Overnight??? Confused

I can't see them doing that for free and if they charge, that could have all sorts of repercussions on their jobs.

YummiYummiYummi · 12/10/2019 17:35

Where are you OP? Perhaps we can do some research for you to try and find a solution

Thanks
Chipsahoy · 12/10/2019 17:39

If you were a mum in my school, I would definitely have your kids while you had an induction . Please do ask at school.

ChickenGoujonDestroyer · 12/10/2019 17:40

I admit OP mis read that! Especially now reading your updates you have not asked to be in this situation and have tried not to be so I apologise. I admit I was judging because I read it as such a casual "oh dont worry emergency foster care will have the kids!" Which obviously isnt what you meant. Have you tried asking mums at school etc and explained your whole situation? Genuinely I'd do anything to help another mum putting her kids into foster care - just the thought of that is so shocking to me (sorry up here in my ivory tower I literally cant imagine my PFB going to foster care even for 1 minute) and I'd offer to help even if in shifts with other mums? Could that be an idea? It's sad to me you have no family anywhere to ask I.e pay someone even to come and stay for a couple of days even if they live miles away at least its family rather than a stranger??

AuntyElle · 12/10/2019 17:41

“...they may decide that because you would be unable to deal with unexpected circumstances (like one of the kids needing a trip to A&E) that they are better not being in your care right now. So any alternative plan you can come up with you need to do.”

This is absolute bollocks, MaryLane93. Why would you write such sensationalist rubbish to someone who is already worried? (And as for the kids being safer with some unknown, random people from a church Hmm.)

OP is already communicating with her health visitor and has self-referred to SS. Your scare-mongering is totally inappropriate.

littleorangecat22 · 12/10/2019 17:43

WOW.

OP It sounds like she has been thinking about this throughout and that she has used you thinking you would be a sex game partner. Why else ask you if you were attracted to her husband? It is shocking and disrespectful and absolutely indicates that she doens't care about you as a friend or listen to what you shared re sexual assault. It verges on being predatory.

She is not a friend. I would personally never talk to her again.

The only thing I would be considering now is to make absolutely sure that these messages and letters etc came from her and not her husband.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/10/2019 17:44

OP ..I have had a thought ..it might help or it might not but our hospital has a PALS Service.Think its patient advice and liason service.They are based I think in every hospital.They might be able to help you sort out child care provision for when you go into labour.Might be worth an ask.I hope you go on ok when your baby decides to come into the world.As for your friend well.. not a clue on that one! sorry...

user1471462428 · 12/10/2019 17:44

My friend provides emergency foster care and often looks after children in this situation. She is lovely and buys them a toys to give the new baby. Not all foster carers are uncaring.

GuessWhoBoo · 12/10/2019 17:44

Hi op where do you live?

MotherofTerriers · 12/10/2019 17:45

Try a local church if there is one near you - you might find someone who would come to your home, meet your kids beforehand and care for them while you are in hospital.

MaryLane93 · 12/10/2019 17:46

@AuntyElle because it's what I was told when I was in a similar situation. Only what I was told was much more "you find somebody or you won't be leaving with any of them"

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 17:47

Try a local church if there is one near you - you might find someone who would come to your home, meet your kids beforehand and care for them while you are in hospital.

For goodness sake...or she could stand outside her local shopping center and find a random there too.

These are children and their safety is paramount.

Molly2017 · 12/10/2019 17:47

@Chipsahoy same here. I’d do it for any mum at school that I recognised. We wouldn’t need to be best friends or anything. It’s only one night. If there is anyone you trust from school OP please ask as opposed to foster care.

Original poster
Mynameishuman · 12/10/2019 17:53

I'm sorry ladies, I've been trying to hold my emotions together this pregnancy as I need to just get on with it no matter how scared I feel but some of the comments have broken me I just had to go and hide in my bathroom to sob my heart out about this so my kids didn't hear me.
I'm in Glasgow in Scotland, I'm scared at all the possibilities with the kids, I love them so much I haven't even left my youngest with anyone even once, as we are just new to this area we don't know many people well, some have been incredibly kind to us though but have made it clear they couldn't watch the kids, my neighbours I wouldn't trust at all with my children.

The reason I can't trust my friend now after this is because she betrayed my trust and I don't trust her or her husband with my kids now as I feel completely taken advantage of.

My HV has made me so anxious soon as she said about them being separated but she did reassure me they will be safe and I will be able to contact the kids and phone them.

I love my kids more than anything, the thought of leaving them makes me physically ill I'm scared for them and how frightened they will be. I wish I had family and I wish I had friends who could be there but I don't I honestly don't, I don't even have an emergency contact listed, I had a blood clot scare a few weeks ago and I took them to hospital with me and was playing with them in a hospital room keeping them happy and occupied while internally screaming in fear as I honestly thought the worst could happen.
My plan was to home birtb but I can't due to my likelyhood of needing a blood transfusion after birth plus baby being so big the consultant has refused to let me do it as it is just too dangerous I'm getting constant scans and appointments.

I never thought we would be in this situation, yes I know it was a possibility but for it to be the only outcome now, trying to wrap my head around it, trying to put a brave face on daily and act like everything is okay to my kids but when I look at them all I picture is them being so scared at going to different homes, it's feels like I can't breathe sometimes but then I brush it off and get on with it because my kids have only me and I can't let myself breakdown or feel too much so I switch off for them.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 12/10/2019 17:57

OP sorry if you've already mentioned but do you have any family?even if not local that could help out?

With your friends(and maybe family)could it be they're worried about having the children for so long?If it is could you ask(if it's a school day)if someone could pick them up from school and have them until and including for dinner and then another friend/family have them from after dinner to cover bed time and them staying over.

Maybe wrap around care provided by a 2 o 3 different friends or family members would be more doable than 1 friend or family member having them for the whole time your in hospital.

You've done nothing wrong and your friend was a creep so well done for getting out of that situation,I hope you manage to get things sorted out and congratulations on your baby Flowers

bevelino · 12/10/2019 17:58

OP your children will be ok in foster care for 24 hours. They will be safe and you should try not to worry.

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2019 17:58

If you had a home birth you'd still need childcare anyway.

Ok so there's a chance they may be separated if they go into emergency care but it won't be the worst thing in the world and hopefully won't be for too long.

tiredybear · 12/10/2019 17:58

oh OP, it sounds like such a tough situation. However, you can only do your best. Talk to your children, prepare them, tell them what might happen. Reassure them it will only be temporary and you will all be back together very soon. They will survive, they will be safe and then the 4 of you can come back together and start building lovely memories with the new baby.

YoYoTokyo · 12/10/2019 17:59

OP I'd take the kids with you. Explain fully your situation on the way in and what you've done to try and avoid it and see what they can do? You really have no family members anywhere in the world? Literally no one?? What about on ex's side any family there? Either ex? If you were carrying my sons child even if my son didnt step up I would xx

BumbleBeee69 · 12/10/2019 18:00

If you're in Glasgow there is a wealth of help out there OP. Contact your nearest Social Services they have access to temporary emergency foster carers, for situation's like yours. Please trust them OP. Flowers

NeonK · 12/10/2019 18:00

Tbh I think short term emergency foster care is much better than some of the suggestions on this thread Hmm

The foster carers I know are the warmest most loving people. This is exactly what it's designed for, and it'll only be a day or two at most so don't beat yourself up about it.

m0therofdragons · 12/10/2019 18:01

Wow... eat the chocolates, throw the letter away and don't give it any more thought xx

rollNsausage · 12/10/2019 18:03

OP - do you have no family whatsoever? no parents, siblings, aunts, cousins you could ask? No neighbours you could ask? any colleagues?

I find it hard to believe there is absolutely no one you could ask.

If you really don't have anyone, why the fuck do you have 3 kids under 6? Why are you friends with someone who you knew was a bit of a nutter?

You're clearly vulnerable and naive. You have no support, a low income, have a history of DV and you are putting yourself and your kids at risk by relying on this friend.

I think you are choosing not to get help from family/friends/babysitters. Sell something if you must so you could pay for an overnight babysitter or nanny. Find the money and support.

What a wierd story. You are willing to break up your family than make a real effort to sort something out.

Swallow your pride and search on facebook, gumtree, other websites etc for cheap babysitters.

Even tell people on here where you live, maybe someone on MN could help.

ElizabethMountbatten · 12/10/2019 18:06

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