To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

Maybe he might just want to, well, be at University. That's how it mostly happens.

Maybe he should, well, sort out his finances and get a job as that's what happens for every other adult.

paying for his phone! £90 a month?

We have 4 phones on a contract and pay less than that.

What did he use to pay for his trip?

How did he have so much money to waste?

...He can get a job. In comparison, whilst studying for my undergrad, I waitressed. Probably too many hours, but that was my choice. Also stayed at home and commuted to uni. Paid my mum board, too. I grew up in an extremely low income, single parent household. It was all about the bigger picture.

Even though, as you say, he took the contract out himself, whilst he had a job...The idea of a £90 a month phone contract is honestly inconceivable to me. Gently, it also perhaps shows that he just hasn’t been taught/learnt enough about the value of money, as is evidenced by his expectation of you to bankroll his most recent life choice?

Give him a £50 Tesco voucher every fortnight. If and only if you can afford it. Even if you didn’t, he still wouldn’t actually starve, uni students don’t even get scurvy these days. If he wants to move out he needs to plan ahead. He doesn’t actually have to move out, it’s a choice. His commute is hardly tough. It’s all his choice

When I moved out for university, my mum took me to ASDA and did a shop of cupboard stuff for me - could you do that without breaking the bank? I wasn’t in your son’s position in terms of financial hardship, but I really appreciated it, and she thought of things I never would have. Branson pickle springs to mind! When I went home she always had some bits in the fridge she had picked up for me, quite often treaty things like nice cheese. I still think back on how kind of her it was. (I worked two jobs through uni, in case anyone thinks I was lazy, it was just a really nice mum thing to do.)

Some of this stuff - not being able to cook, not thinking of things you need to plan etc, is what you go away from home FOR, in my opinion.

If you can't help you can't help, but keeping him at home isn't going to help him learn independence.

No if he is mature enough to move out, he is mature enough to sort this out. What I would do is say your room is still here and I have food. Otherwise it is his headache.

He's only young. He's learning now the consequences of acting without planning but tbh I'd cut him some slack. He's obviously realised he's missing out on the fun, and living away from home is part of the whole experience imo. It sounded at the time that it was a good idea living at home but now the reality is different.

We all miss them but it's the natural order of things to fly the nest. Help him embrace his independence. Lend him the money if you can do so without hardship, but make sure he pays it back.

And yes he's an immature kid but he'll grow up a lot, and very quickly and that in itself is a good reason to move out.

He isn't equipped to move out. As far as I can see;

He hasn't got the money for deposit, first or any subsequent month's rent

Hasn't got basic impulse control with his loan and overdraft.

Can't cook won't cook

Has no real idea of how much things cost and how he's going to pay for them.

I think him moving out is a great idea. The commute isn't too long, he just wants to be able to go out drinking with his mates more and pull a few girls - but living independently is what he needs to do to grow as a young man, he just needs to learn what TO do to achieve that.

I'd start with a home truths conversation with him. You can't afford to finance him, but will help him work out how he can afford to. Help him work out a basic income and expenditure budget. For weekly and monthly things like phone, rent, food, beer, transport, and the bigger one offs like the trip and buying pots and pans and a laptop and printer etc to equip his digs. Put in the remaining student loan he has in his bank, and work out together the shortfall. Reiterate that you can't help him financially, and help him to work out how much he would need to get extra in hardship grant, loans or work income.he will need to get himself a job and save up for his deposit, trip etc if he wants to move out. He will need to pull his finger out regarding the hardship fund - I'm angry with him myself that he's too lazy to even ask how he finds out more about that, yet expects you to take out a loan you can't afford instead - no chance!!

He will need to learn how to do a basic meal plan and shop and cook accordingly. Or not - plenty get by on 12p noodles (and yes yes to the pp who said frozen veg and stuff in theirs - mine was peas and grated cheese!).

Of course you should help him, it’s his first year!!

Did you go yo uni, I still remember those first few terrifying weeks. His loan will take a while to come through, can’t he pay you back then.

You should support him through the early stages and in my view always support your children. Lots of pressure on students these days, lots have MH problems. Be glad he is making such a sensible bold move, far easier to stay home and have you cook for him. He is not taking the easy option.

Everyone who is advising he should move out- what are your thoughts as to how he will pay the rent in coming months? He has no source of income. His mum has no spare cash. How long do you think this will last? Would it not be better to suggest he stays at home, finds a local part time job with a start date after his foreign trip, saves, and then considers moving out?

Don't financially stretch yourself.

Not sure where you live, but where I am (London) an hour each way isn't that bad. It's a pretty standard (quick commute), and yes I did that whilst at uni (stayed at home and commuted 1.5hours each way). The world didn't end. I was able to hold down a permanent part time job and not burden my parents too much, although to be fair they insisted on paying my travel for which I was always very grateful! I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want to move into halls at the time, but I had to be practical. In hindsight I have no regrets.

I'd address the 'can't cook won't cook' alongside the expectation of frozen meals.

'Sure, son, pop by & I'll talk you through making a great chilli - I'll even get the ingredients in. Big batch cook, we'll have it for dinner & you can take the leftovers to your digs in individual tubs to freeze'.

Next week, chicken curry. Week after, dhal or bolognese.

Make sure he does the actual chopping & cooking. Not rocket science.

& no, no cash bail outs! Not for a grown man wandering round with a £50 a month phone, ffs, who has made a personal choice to move out of home.

If he can't manage, you'll have him back living at home.

So he has a safety net. Up to him to make other arrangements if he can afford to do so & has the life skills.

If he has neither, then he's not enough of an adult to move on.

So he should probably not be convincing himself differently & expecting mummy to wipe his bum for him, metaphorically speaking.

Quick update as it’s late and we’ve only just finished talking. So he’s moving out tomorrow, he’s put a deposit down of £200 and has to pay the first full instalment of £1700ish by the end of this month. He has approximately £1580 left in his account. DH and I have sat down and decided we’re going to give him some money but in small instalments so he doesn’t spend it frivolously. I’m going to do a basic shop for him tomorrow, no kitchen stuff until he knows what he’ll need. He’ll come home on Wednesday and hopefully I’ll have some meals ready for him to take back so he won’t need to buy much food. I have told him that he will come home on Fridays so I can teach him new dishes and any extra shopping I do for him, I will write down and it will be money owed. The frozen meals I’ll make will be my way of helping him out as I would have done if he’d gone to a university further away from home but the extra shopping I wouldn’t have done so he’ll have to pay me back for that. I’m also going to email student services on his behalf to see if there is any further help available to him. It all just feels really rushed and so unorganised. The good news is that he should be hearing about a job tomorrow so fingers crossed 🤞

He doesn’t have a clue about money!

I’m shocked that he will increase his student loan just to avoid a 2 hour return commute! That is not unusual for many workers. And he can spend this time studying or reading. Does he realise he will have to pay this loan back?

I’m glad he is getting a job but is he going to reduce the loan amount as well?

And he doesn’t seem to have any idea of the cost of living, reasonable budgets for one person living alone. The £90 for a phone is insane. What was he thinking!

Oh and just to add I’ve told him I want access to his bank statements on a regular basis so I know he isn’t spending unnecessarily, especially if he’s borrowing from me.

He sounds horrifically disorganised financially and I worry overstretching himself. I’d be really, really unhappy, to be honest, OP.

You’ll give him this money, and he’ll need more and more, and get himself into a lot of debt.

You shouldn’t be emailing for him. You should be making your extra contribution dependent on seeing proof he has emailed, and has drawn up a realistic budget.

I’ve told him I want access to his bank statements on a regular basis so I know he isn’t spending unnecessarily, especially if he’s borrowing from me.

That will just breed resentment- and frustration on your part.

Get him to write out a budget. Go through it with him.

Be crystal clear that you cannot afford to keep lending/giving him money.

He prioritised the wrong thing and spent money on fun rather than living. You don't need to cover him for this and if you do he will not learn. I would offer some cheap pantry items to help out with food but anything else he will just have to love with out.

Real life is all about putting in the hard yards and paying your way before you can have fun. Now is a great time to learn. Research what funds he can apply for and leave him to it, he wont starve, he knows how to get home should he need to.

Your setting him up to fail, here son we will bail you out don't worry!

For someone who’s 19 years old he seems pretty useless sorry. But he’s also your own creation. Don’t want to be slated by the what about special needs crew but there’s no suggestion of this. Just a moddycolled child now adult

Are you for real Chair? He’s a student who wants to live a student life. 2 hour commute is nothing? He’s not been grinded to a slave City worker yet or at least he shouldn’t be! I stayed at home at Uni and missed out partially but moved away immediately after graduation and lived my student lifestyle then whilst working full time on grad scheme. The poster sounds a nightmare. I appreciate people can be skint / broke etc but there’s more to this than that. His lack of any life skills is a result of the person now lamenting his lack of said life skills

Please don't email student services. He's an adult and at university. He will not be looked upon favourably if he's getting his mum to email for him. This isn't school anymore, university staff should not be dealing with parents, unless there is an additional need such as a disability. You don't mention anything like that in relation to your son so I'm going to assume not.

I have told him that he will come home on Fridays so I can teach him new dishes and any extra shopping I do for him, I will write down and it will be money owed.

Oh no no no!!!!!!!

You will never see a penny of that money again.

Nobody needs to come home on Fridays to learn new dishes FGS.
And as soon as he can he will identify, flatter, and then glom onto some unfortunate girl who can cook, and you won't see him for dust.

The only sensible thing you have said so far is that you want to see his bank statements.
I doubt he will let you do that, and I strongly suspect you won't insist, and there will be lots and lots of home cooking sent from you along with hundreds of £££.

No more home cooking from you, and no more nonsense about a running tab.
He can feed himself on eggs and baked beans and look up YouTube videos for dishes like everyone else does.
(And see my 'girl who can cook' comment).

Your DS has you exactly where he wants you.
Who needs life skills when you have the chutzpah of this young man...

My grandparents used to bail me out when I was young and stupid with money. It simply made me worse with money as I knew that I could always get some from them. 15 years later I’m still paying debts off.

As for you phoning the university, he’s 19 years old, an adult! Let him deal with it himself. He won’t always have you to do things for him. I had left home and had a baby by his age and surprisingly was able to make my own phone calls.

Also it doesn’t matter if he got a brand new iPhone as soon as it came out, there are a lot cheaper ways of doing it. My sister got the latest iPhone 2 weeks ago when it came out and paid £39 upfront and £33 a month so he has a ridiculous contract!