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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

407 replies

121feelinglost · 11/10/2019 18:29

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/10/2019 21:43

Ds got he minimum loan because of our income, he worked at Tesco on a weekend, he ate very well from he markets for 25 a week, he managed. When he went out he spent fifteen pounds, once a week maximum, I would top up his food with home made frozen stuff.

He never went without. Your son should be able to manage.

Help him with his budgeting, not his money,

LittleDancers · 11/10/2019 21:43

I could cook (and was very self-sufficient thanks to parents who expected me to pull my weight in the household from about 14) but still existed on Pot Noodles, biscuits, beans on toast and cereal for most of uni. I couldn't be bothered to actually cook and/or struggle home with heavy bags from the supermarket on the bus, so I bought these bits of basic food from the small selection at the newsagent on the corner.

leomama81 · 11/10/2019 21:46

leomama81 He got the iPhone XS when it first came out on contract hence the high cost

I'm a 38 year old professional who owns my own home and I can't afford that OP. He needs to learn to "cut his coat according to his cloth", as my dad would say!

He has pissed his student loan up the wall and now despite you saying clearly that you could not help with living costs, he apparently has no compunction about just coming to you with "I need this, I need that".

He is an adult. The best thing you can do for him is teach him the very important life lesson that there is no magic money tree and he needs to spend only what he can afford and take responsibility for the consequences of his own actions.

Inebriati · 11/10/2019 21:48

Help him with his budgeting, not his money,
This. Otherwise you'll be bailing him out for life and paying off one loan after another.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 11/10/2019 21:49

I earn 40k DH does around 170k neither of us have a fancy iPhone. Mines an 8, DHs a 6S lol, wtf is wrong with some people. Leave it to him op

Iggly · 11/10/2019 21:51

You can help him without enabling him. It’s too late but he should have been taught basic skills a lot earlier so now’s the time to help.

Weenurse · 11/10/2019 21:54

Tell him no help financially from you, but do send the odd food parcel.
Daughters boyfriend is like this. Mum and Dad have done everything for him and he gets really stressed when he has to figure stuff out for himself. He is getting better.

cultkid · 11/10/2019 21:56

So are you deep down trying to make it hard for him because you don't want him to leave you?
Have you friends yourself? Is it because caring for your daughter is isolating and hard? Does he help with her?
My heart is breaking for all of you. This is such a tough situation to unpick.

CherryChapst1ck · 11/10/2019 21:59

Reading just your op, I think you're sabotaging him because you don't want him to leave. And I understand that but it's not a kind thing to do

I'd give him some money. Even if I had to do that in a controlled way - so I'd do an ocado/Asda /whatever home delivery shop for the essentials for him. Use Ocado and you'll save 30% on your first shop

I'd also buy him a pass to cover travel - if this is possible

I wouldn't hand over cash blindly but I'd help where I could. He needs to get a part time job too.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 11/10/2019 22:00

If you can scrape together/get a loan,then I would do that and give him the money. For two reasons: firstly, it's breaking your heart to say no. Your heart and instinct is telling you to. Secondly, he is disorganized and immature. The fastest way for him to get organized and grow up quickly is to move out. So if you are able to help him out just this once, it may help him become more independent.

lynzpynz · 11/10/2019 22:03

I moved out at 17 and went to student halls, I'd saved enough for my halls working my arse off every wknd from my 16th bday and was able to afford it all myself as knew my parents wouldn't be able to support me. It can be done, but it requires hard work and forward planning. I did used to get fed up seeing the spoiled kids in my halls whose parents paid for everything, they didn't work and would spend their last £50 on new jeans then claim poverty to parents for help with rent...

Sounds like it's help with budgeting and getting a job (assuming he doesn't have one?) more than cooking a chilli he needs.

I'd make him some frozen meals, and ask what bills he needs help with and pay them direct and to the penny - def don't hand him £300.

If you have to get a loan however, he is an adult and can do the same (most student accs come with cashback or overdraft these days?) if it will put you in poverty.

Chocolatecake12 · 11/10/2019 22:04

Not sure if this has already been suggested but how about giving him a Tesco/Asda voucher card. Put £50/£60 on it and tell him it’s got to last.
As he’s only 17 miles away invite him back home for Sunday lunch (so you know he’s had at least one decent meal) and send him back with leftovers.

Elieza · 11/10/2019 22:13

There’s no way this child in a mans body is going to be able to find next months rent, and the month after that, and the month after that. No chance. You you will stump up a load of money For everything and in three months when he’s kicked out and has creditors writing and the phone ringing from their calls on a daily basis stressing him out and adding interest onto his debts that you will end up paying with tears in your eyes, you will be back to square one. Well worse as hell now have a poor credit score.

I think the answer is that while you appreciate it’s not ideal, for this year anyway, staying at home is the only viable option as he has left it too late, has a foreign trip and a fancy pants phone to pay for. Once that’s paid this time next year you will be better placed to consider helping him financially. Until then he will just have to stay at home.

If he doesn’t like it Shoulda Gone To Specsavers as he should have seen that response coming....

VBT2 · 11/10/2019 22:14

I think you’re enabling childish behaviour OP. At 19 years old, he is an adult and needs to learn to take care of himself. There are 19 year olds with their own families to take care of, even. He needs a job (he will find it, not you) ASAP, and he will learn how to feed himself. Perhaps pay his deposit, to be supportive, if you reasonably can. The rest, he needs to sort out for himself. Make it clear you will not support him financially, or he’ll be back every time.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/10/2019 22:17

he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning
he’s spent quite a bit of (his student loan) already on things like going out etc
tried so hard to tell him that £90 for a phone's too much but he ... did it anyways
I feel that unless I actually go to the university myself and help him he can’t be bothered

Time for a wake up call I'd say - tell him to get a bar job to tide himself over

You might as well, or next he'll be asking you to sub the trip abroad too

wtffgs · 11/10/2019 22:18

Imo the fact he isn't self sufficient at 19 is partly down to you....
Yabu not to help....
Sorry op.

Oh god! The MN fairy-who-knows-it-all shits from a great height again Hmm

OP you have offered practical help which he has declined. Maybe he has to live in noodles and beans for a bit before he figures stuff out? He'll survive. He'll mess up and eat rubbish but keep offering to help with demos.

MyDcAreMarvel · 11/10/2019 22:21

Ds got he minimum loan because of our income, he worked at Tesco on a weekend, he ate very well from he markets for 25 a week, he managed.
@MaybeitsMaybelline
You should be ashamed to admit that on a household income of over £200k you refused to top up your ds loan to the paltry amount students from low income families receive.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/10/2019 22:23

Also, if you give him the £1000 - or whatever the latest figure is - you'll probably find on current form that it's spent on more "going out" or to pay off the holiday

So really it would just be throwing good money after bad wouldn't it?

MrKlaw · 11/10/2019 22:30

I was crap as a student and wasted My loan. DS is more sensible but still just in case w’re making sure accommodation is paid for, then sending him £300 per month to live on (minimum loan so the loan doesn’t cover the full rent let alone living costs)

Some we know are sending money weekly, but DS should be able to budget for the month (or he’ll have to learn fast..)

goldfinchfan · 11/10/2019 22:34

why can't he get the kitchen stuff on Freecycle or charity shops?

I used to get everything in Jumble sales when I was young and broke.

Why do mums baby their sons so much? At 19 he should pick up life skills fast and he has friends to help him?

Give him no more than half the money and tell him to use his wits...

Interestedwoman · 11/10/2019 22:38

God willing this is a relatively unique circumstance (famous last words.) I think you should help him but say to him that you can't keep doing it. If you're on a low income, there are probably also bursaries and stuff he can apply for.

TheABC · 11/10/2019 22:38

Do not give him the money

At 19 I was volunteering in India on a gap year, having spent 6 months working beforehand to save up my travel budget and halls rent deposit.

My parents did not give me money.
They sat me down with a spreadsheet to work out all the costs (it was an eye-opener!) and offered good advice. They did pay for my first shop when I rented a house in the second year and let me take some second-hand bits from home.

He can use his overdraft
He can use his student loan
He can get a job
He can sell his iPhone.

Buy him a student cookbook, point him in the direction of MoneySavingExpert and help him with a budget spreadsheet. If you are feeling generous, offer to pay for the first shop and he can come home for a meal and laundry on Sundays.

Your DS is a grown man. He can get drunk, get married, legally vote, start a family, join the army, register in another country and apply for a mortgage.

His expenses are not yours to manage.

Interestedwoman · 11/10/2019 22:40

Oh and- you could not do the cooking, just give him the ingredients, as you've shown him how to do it anyway, so he has no excuse not to.

haveuheard · 11/10/2019 22:43

If he genuinely has no money then he has spent all his loan and maxed out an overdraft of at least £1k in probably 3 weeks? I wouldn't be giving him any more money.

LauraMacArthur · 11/10/2019 22:45

I assume it's going to take a while for the money to come through from the other student loan? He could ask his bank for an overdraft - I think they do free ones for students? - for the rent upfront, and then be very careful with spending until the loan comes through so he can pay off the overdraft straight away. This would work in theory as long as he's careful with money, which he needs to be anyway. Since he didn't already know how to cook, in all honesty his first term at uni is quite a stressful time anyway, so he might as well stick to the simplest/cheapest reasonably healthy options he can find. These are lots of easy options - I don't know how short of money he is but I love frozen stir fried veg with chicken or tofu and noodles and soy sauce. Sorry if it's an obvious point, but Frozen veg are really helpful for simplifying cooking and meal planning in general - he could use Frozen onion and maybe frozen garlic in the chilli.

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