To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

Just read your update. You're really not helping him ultimately. This is a massive sticking plaster until some unfortunate girl inadvertently takes over being his mother.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, but I really don't understand the whole being unable to cook thing. How hard would it be to direct him to some cheap students to recipes and for him to follow the instructions and cook himself? Eating is a basic requirement so in my book there is no excuse for not being able to do a set of basic meals from scratch. What does he expect, someone else to do it for eternity?

To some cheap student recipes*

Please do not email student services on his behalf, you're just going round in circles and not making him take responsibility.

Please don't rely on him getting hardship funds - it is highly unlikely he will. There are always way to many people who apply for these, and to be frank he isn't in hardship - he's living beyond his means.

Almost all universities require a budget breakdown and evidence (ie bank statements) as part of an application for hardship funds. Many also require that the applicant has a one-to-one appointment with someone who will go through their finances. They are going to look at where his student loan has gone and not be impressed. They are going to tell him he can't afford a £90 a month phone. They are more than likely going to pick up on the fact that he's looking to move out of home and ask why. The fact that he doesn't like sitting on a bus for an hour doesn't make him entitled to hardship money, and they will more than likely tell him that moving out of home is a lifestyle choice he can't afford right now and to stay put until he has saved up enough money to move out. They will also ask him what he has done about getting a job.

Your latest update where you say you are going to fund him is rather worrying to me, as it doesn't actually address the issues. Your son isn't actually hard-up; he has expensive tastes and over-ambitious, impulsive ideas that he cannot afford. You funding these for him isn't going to get him to reassess his financial management. All it is going to mean is that you are subsidising his expensive phone, trip abroad and partying with his friends, when you say yourself that doing so puts you in financial hardship.

The bottom line is that you can't afford to lend him any money without getting in debt yourself, OP, and, given that your ds is so disorganised and 'lacks urgency', all £300 will do is pay his rent for a month after which he'll look to you to keep shelling out for his living expenses

Given that he benefits from lifts to and from the station, a commute of an hour each way is not a hardship and I'm sure he'll be able to crash on his student friends' sofas and floors if he misses the last train home. In addition, he'll only be commuting for those days that he has to attend uni and holidays are not ungenerous.

Tell him that, other than providing room and board at home, you can't afford to subsidise him in any other way and he should throw himself on the mercy of the deposit holder and see if he get any of it back.

When he has a job he'll be able to save for another deposit/rent etc and will be able to fully support himself if he wants to move out. Until then he has no choice but to live at home and commute and I would suggest he uses the time to learn the basics of cooking plus cleaning and washing/ironing.

when my DS went to Uni he took a job in a pub that served lovely food, he was told he could eat free there at the end of his shift, it really helped with his finances, but he worked so many shifts he fell behind with his uni work and ended up leaving uni after year 2, he did succeed in the end though, got work, and is now in a really good career and studying for a degree while working through the OU, I was in debt myself when he was at Uni so couldn't help him as much as I would have liked so do understand how hard it is, even with the bursary and loan he got, he still needed to work. Tough one Op...Weirdly my son works at the same place as me now, although in totally different departments and not planned, just a coincidence, so I see him every day!

Wait, he’s got £1500 in the bank but let you think he had nothing and listing what you had to pay for?? Why is he paying £1700 upfront for a rented room? Is it halls?
You’ll never get a penny back, he was hoping mum would cough up and he could keep his ££ for fun times.
Poor girl that ends up with this chancing mummy’s boy🙄

Sorry but you are making a huge mistake with your plan- he needs to stand on his own 2 feet and he won't while you are doing it for him. Why on earth can't he take responsibility and email student support himself? And the home every Friday thing?!!

We kept subbing our son, for years and years, from when he left school, he's now 37 and still irresponsible and not working.

I don't want to out myself (dill on here) and go into things more on here, but if we'd made him hungry for money in those early years, maybe things would have turned out differently.

As it is i think we'll be supporting him for the rest of his life.

You’re doing everything you can to keep him in symbiosis with you, rather than supporting him in becoming independent. It’s as though you’ve not read a word of this thread.

1700? What’s that for? That’s not a months rent is it!! If it is then NO! He needs to find somewhere much cheaper. How did he decide where to live? If I was contributing to that then I’d want to be involved in the accommodation choosing. I think the problem here is that he’s gone ahead and signed for something before working out how he can afford it. I have a nephew at uni and he got help from the family. Extended family too gave him cash and we’ve all bought supermarket gift cards to help out. That’s quite normal for young adults at uni to get family help if they can afford it. I’d suggest things like xmas and birthday presents are now supermarket vouchers. It’s good that he wants to go live on his own. Independence is so important. Encourage that. If he’s applying for jobs then the finances will work out. He really does need a student loan though to cover accommodation costs

For goodness sake let him grow up
Monitoring his bank account No way
Telling him to come home so you can teach him to cook No way
Figure out what if any contribution you can make on a monthly basis and make it
Buy him a basic cook book
Take him to a supermarket and let him do a basic shop
He'll survive

This is why mediocre middle class people are more successful than talented working class kids.

At a crucial point at the beginning of adulthood the MC kids are sent to uni with their rent paid for, all the essentials, boxes of food, and if they are lucky a regular allowance.

Working class kids have to struggle without the basics, take on too much paid work and end up dropping out

TBF we do support student DC by £1200 a month and want him to be able to focus on studies rather than doing some shitty job
I will not pay in the summer holiday and if he wants more than bed and board he will have to work
But that was all discussed and agreed before they started
But I would never monitor the spending,that is all part of the learning process
And please,please don't contact student support,or anyone else for him

I used to commute 50 mins each way to university, it actually flies by and its what alot of people have two do for work anyway! What degree is it? I used to choose modules based on what days they fell on to condense my timetable..

I think the most sensible suggestion is for shim to hold off on moving their til January, while he's at home he could get a Christmas temp job to save up money to give him a cushion for when he moves, then he could change his loan for January and not have the shortfall! Plus it gives you more time to work on the cooking and independence..

My mum has always supported me at home and I'm grateful for that, but it works both ways. I've always done the 80% housework on my days off because she works full time, and I've worked for anything beyond a roof over my head!

Op, do you know what the £1700 is for? Seems very excessive for halls or accommodation...is he choosing a very nice place?

It seems he had left it too late for this term to move out. If the difference between loans for staying at home and commuting is only £500 per term how will he manage?
I commute to uni and like another poster, will try and work out days I don't need to attend to cut travel time. Ie days with only lectures which are all recorded and go online.
How is he paying for travel? Won't he be wasting any remaining travel card value if he moved now?
We also have a reading week in 3 weeks time, no travel that week, then only 6 weeks to Xmas break.

You are genuinely ‘spoiling’ him now. He will never develop any sense of financial responsibility while you nanny him the way you are.

Think about it - He has the most expensive phone available and a European trip away, luxuries you and many adults can only dream of. He's now moving into a flat he can’t afford because he decided living at home didn’t suit him. These are expensive life choices you advised him against. He has now found out you were right but there are no negative consequences for him because you and your DH are treating him like a child.

You are teaching him that he doesn’t have to take any responsibility for his decisions or finances because you and DH will subsidise him even after telling him you won’t.

I bought my son the 'Beyond Baked Beans' cookbook designed for students on a tight budget, then left him to it. He is an adult and will learn to cook or not. I made sure he ate well when he visited every few months, but it really is up to them, and part of the journey.

Now I am incredibly proud of him, he has completed a doctorate in engineering, got a fantastic job that he loves and is a fantastic cook! He often does wonderful meals when he cooks and tries lots of new things. So my advice would be to leave him to it, give him the responsibility of sorting things himself with guidance if he asks for it, and you'll probably end up with a more mature, capable son.

I doubt that you will ever get any money back from him and will end up paying more out to him as he will plead poverty.

He is 19, more than able to follow a recipe by himself(I mean it’s never been easier all he needs to do is look online), email student services himself and not have his bank statements checked by mummy.

Sorry I don’t think I was clear (it was late when I updated and I was so tired) the £1700 is for rent up until January 31st. It has to be paid up front and works out at £135.50 a week. I’ve decided I won’t email student services on his behalf but I will help him with the email. I have created this and in order to untangle what I have tangled I will have to guide him, he has up until his next student finance instalment comes in to sort himself out.

OP, I genuinely don't want to frighten you, but I think you are well on the way to setting your son up for a lifetime of debt and financial irresponsibility.

Both of which correlate with mental health issues, divorce and suicide, for obvious reasons.

You are putting his short term happiness above his LIFE LONG stability and success. And the longer it goes on, the less chance there is if fixing it as the habits become ingrained. You may see it as putting him on his feet, but really you are just enabling him JUST enough to get himself into worse trouble which I'm sure you don't want.

Frankly, he needs to slum it a bit, so take the kid gloves off your precious boy and let him eat baked beans for a bit.

"My grandparents used to bail me out when I was young and stupid with money. It simply made me worse with money as I knew that I could always get some from them"

My DB still borrows money from my DM every month. Well, "borrows" , because he never pays it back. He's 40 and in a better paid job than DM ever had, even before she retired. But she always enabled him and he just never learned that there are consequences to spending more than you earn.

Sounds harsh but he has to live in the real world sooner or later.
I would feel bad in your situation but he has to grow up or move back home and commute.