To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

But you don't have the money, OP! I 'need' money, too, but ya know, there's no money tree to hit up.

'I need you to. . . '

'Son, I can't. We don't have the money for your plans. It's not there. If you want to do all this you need to think about how to make it happen, we don't have that kind of money.'

He's moving out. And yeah he's messed up but help him out. He will learn when he's gone.

I can’t remember the exact figure but I think it was £2500ish.

It doesn't sound like he's actually sat down with a spreadsheet weighing up the pros & cons as well as the cost / benefit of moving. If he hasn't committed to anything he needs to do that.

Also needs to realise (and I don't think this has changed since I was at uni years ago), that you might have more free cash at home, but it might mean longer commutes, fewer nights out and crashing on floors when you do. Has he actually drilled down into the issue, what he wants & how moving out will fix it?

Come on over to the higher education threads, there's loads of advice on there.
Mine went off 4 weeks ago and is having a blast. I would advise him to sell the phone. Mine has a £12 a month contract on a Samsung J5 and it does the trick. Uni is no place for trying to impress with flashy gear when they are all living off beans on toast and stir fry.
I wouldn't buy him lots of kitchen kit either as DSs flat is bursting with 8 sets of everything and no one knows what belongs to whom anymore.
If he has spent his student loan already then yes he really needs to grow up fast, I'd be telling him he has to get some paid work and learn to budget properly.
You will save some money on your weekly shopping with him gone OP, so maybe you could use that to pick him up the odd bag of rice or whatever.

So in a few weeks he’s ranked £2500???
On what??
Stop being a bloody doormat to this man child!

*tanked

Well why would they help? He moved out without any money? He's 19 not 4 how is he so blooming useless?

Thank you Serin I’ll be over in a while 😂 because I’ll e needing advice about what he’ll need. I feel angry with myself one minute and then furious with him the next. I’m angry with myself because I didn’t teach him all this, I just assumed he’d pick it up. I’m furious with him because he’s always been reluctant to get involved in house chores, cooking etc (and now I’m angry with myself for letting him get away with it) and I the fact he didn’t sit down with me properly to really go through all this.

IMO if he is expecting you to loan him money then you have =every right to know where the money he has had already has gone. Act like a child get treated like one , or seeing it from another point of view if asking for a loan elsewhere eg bank then they would want to know ALL outgoings either way you need to have an ADULT conversation with him. It seems like you are both skirting around issues and not really talking money management is an important part of growing up,

To be honest I dont think Id let him move. I know he's 19 etc etc, but he cant organise himself, cant cook and cant afford the rent...

BTW as horrible as it may be you alone are to blame for the fact he knows nothing about adulting, you as a parent are supposed to teach that...starting early and slowly building up. Expecting a teenager to suddenly want to learn household basics is silly

Help him buy a moped and carry on commuting and living at home. 17 miles is not a huge distance and if money is tight all round prob better to suck up the commute for everyone’s sake.

It's the impulsitivity of it that would wind me up the most. He's only just started- couldn't he have waited until even January to get all this in hand before signing himself up for things he can't afford?

Honestly, he will be fine once he grows up and there's nothing like independent living to make them grow up.
Just make it clear that you wont be bailing him out all the time.
I'm quite strict with knowing roughly how much mine has left in his account, since he isnt really getting a loan, so its effectively our money he is spending.
He also knows that beyond a weekend away camping or hostelling there is no way he will be jetting off anywhere.

"Expecting a teenager to suddenly want to learn household basics is silly"

Not when they've made plans to move out it isn't.

I would do anything for my child not be hungry whether they are 19 or 29 so I would help.

But he won’t really go hungry will he, come on!

I can assure you nobody starved to death in uni for lack of cooking skills. They learn to cope, especially after they run out of money.

I have not read the full thread so apologies if someone mentioned already, I suppose he got a smaller loan entitlement as he was expecting to live at home. He needs to ring Student Finance England and tell them his circumstances are changing and he is now living out of home. The entitlement might go up but it will take a time to be paid, but if he has a promise from Student Finance he may get a short term emergency loan from the university to keep him going until the amount is paid.

I would say, however, that if borrowing the money to help him may send the finances of the family in a downward spiral, you CANNOT help him. In such case he needs to get back home and commute until his loan is changed.

It is easy to say how you cannot help? But even a few hundred pounds loan taken at a time the family is not in a position to pay it back can sink the whole family in hardship for years to come.

diddl sorry I meant that expecting them to know it all straight away if they haven't been already taught these things is silly

Please don't bail him out. My parents never let my brother face the consequences of his choices, and now they have an utter failure of a manchild still living in their annex at 43. God only knows how he'll cope when they die. He won't be moving in with me, I can tell you that.

He's pissed £2500 up the wall? Sorry you need to see his bank statements!

Theres no point you telling him that you cant support him and then he comes in and says 'I need..'. Surely the response is 'we've already told you we couldn't help. He will work it out himself. And I don't believe it's your fault he's been very capable for a long while to work things out for himself.

I understand OP you have a child that's ill its easy to become overprotective and baby your other DC a bit and that's fine but he needs to mature and should be thinking 'I know DPs have some much on their plate, I won't add to their stress'.

Sorry OP as someone who's parents didn't do tough love, please don't do this. My DPs gave me money all the time when I was at uni, I fucked up massively even with huge student loans, money on demand I still got into loads of debt. It took me 15 years to really learn how to budget and pay off my debts. You will be doing him a favour by telling him to sort it.

Nrtft but how the fuck can you raise a child to 17 who can't make toast without burning the house down?

Does he work?If not, he'll need to be getting a job pretty sharpish.My 3rd dc is at university now and they've all worked as it just wouldn't have been achievable otherwise. He needs very little in terms of kitchen equipment etc, give him some odds and ends from your house and supplement it from a charity shop.You're unlikely to ever see any of it again.

Presumably he is moving into student accommodation, of some sort. The basics will be there, slightly dented saucepans plus odd cutlery and crockery. A kettle and microwave are standard.
I've put three through uni in the last five years, all they need is a few condiments and enough to see them through the first few days.
£700 for the basics plus a few weeks food is preposterous.