To not help DS although my heart is breaking?

[121feelinglost]

Bit of background DS 19 started university this year, he initially decided that he’d stay home and commute the 17 mile journey by train, he gets dropped off and collected from the train station (home) so not much walking. He has now decided that the hour there and the hour back is too much for him to cope with and he’s decided to move out. I’m not going to lie I was gutted when he said he was leaving because I really wanted him to stay home and also he couldn’t cook toast without burning the kitchen down. I told him that if he made the decision to leave I was unable to help him out financially, DH is the sole earner as DD has a health condition I stay at home. DS knew that we would be unable to help and I tried to guide him to university services available to see if they can help him with short term loan as he’s now paid a deposit on a room and having to pay rent in advance. He went to uni today and he said that he hasn’t been able to get anywhere with help from uni and he needs me to lend him £300, also buy his essentials for his move and make some frozen meals or he’ll go hungry next week.
When he mentioned he wanted to move I started to teach him how to make a quick chilli and few other quick meals so burning down the house isn’t the issue but he hasn’t got money for the ingredients.
I’m so angry with him that he’s so unorganised and has decided to move without any planning. He’s looking for work and has said he’ll pay me back but his lack of urgency to get things done, his lack of planning and his immaturity that parents will always be there to help him out is really annoying me.
I could help him out but it will be through a loan and will be difficult for a while.
WIBU to say “I’m sorry I can’t help?” But the thought of saying that to him is killing me and I’m fully aware he needs to grow up, but why am I finding it so hard.
(Name changed)

There’s a very old saying ‘easy come, easy go’ and that’s what your son is learning and living.

@Mammylamb
That’s seriously what you think??
Just what is class anymore?
I know kids of all backgrounds who succeed, it’s about determination and hard work. Cossetting and handing over cash doesn’t make anyone a success unless they work for it.

He has a student loan and you say he has frittered money on nights out etc. You also mention bursaries etc but that he wont be bothered to sort it out - that will continue to be the case unless he needs to. That's his choice. I wouldnt give him the £300 and put him in a position where his choices therefore must change as a necessity. Harsh life lesson but a decent one. I would set him up with a week or two worth of food cupboard items where he would have to make dinners like the chilli you taught him to make from scratch. That wont cost you too much if you do a quick lidl shop. Make it clear you're doing that to help him get started as there may be a little delay while he sorts out his loan situation but that's all he is getting and its up to him now to make it work.

Talking from experience, being absolutely horrific at finances and like your son and spending what I couldn’t afford on expensive clothes rather than mundane everyday items I needed, you are setting him up for failure with what you’ve decided to do.

He will now expect that every time he runs out of money his parents will bail him out. It’ll be the odd £50 here and there to top an amount up and get bigger when the credit lines start disappearing. Are you sure he doesn’t have any payday loans, credit cards or overdrafts yet? As he seems like the type who would go and get one without considering the payback or consequences.

I hope it all works out and he becomes an independent young man, there’s just an odd speed at which this is going at. Deciding to move at lightning quick speed - my commute is 17 miles and a 45 minute to an hour drive each way and I’d never think of moving closer to cut that out!

Poor girl that ends up with this chancing mummy’s boy🙄

Actually, nowadays, many more educated women and women in careers are wising up to useless gits like this and dumping them asap. My daughters in no way put up with men like this. Hopefully men like this will be more likely to end up single and not procreating so their sexist crap goes down with them.

100% what mathanxiety said.

You are spoiling him and enabling him.

All this emphasis on fucking cooking. Good grief, he's nineteen, nineteen year olds at uni, it's not about cooking healthy meals even for many who were good cooks at home. You're working, studying, living the student life, it's all Rollover hot dogs, beans on toast and cheese sandwiches.

Stop with the frozen din-dins. This is the UK, not war-torn Syria, he can go to Tesco metro like everyone else there. YouTube it.

'Well son, you've made some decisions that have serious financial consequences and we don't have the money to front you to bail you out. What are you planning to do about it?'

FFS, I do this with my teenagers now including one with SN. 'How do YOU plan to pay for that if you do it?'

He's only a hour away, plenty of young people his age are off thousands of miles away in the forces doing dangerous jobs.

He can sell the phone or go back to the provider and ask if he can do anything about changing the contract.

I'm not understanding the outrage here.

Most students receive financial support from parents. That's the expectation from Student Finance and the reason why parental income is assessed before the loan is awarded, unless the student receives maximum loan the expectation is that parents have to top up the loans.

It's also normal for parents to pay the deposit for accommodation and then going forward to be guarantor on tenancy agreements.

No one accuses the majority of students of being feckless or immature.

Is he in halls?
As your going to have to pay the rent if he won't, they always use a guarantor.

OP - you definitely need to take some responsibility here - 19 years old, can't cook and can't take care of money? Something's gone wrong with the parenting IMO.

Hes only 19 that is still pretty young... yes its be nice if hed got his act together a bit more but honestly many young people his age make similar mistakes this is not unusual.... I think it's important for him to be and stay at uni... hes already doing quite well to be there at all and is on the path to being able to support himself well.... so honestly I would try and help him out a bit here.... at least by doing him a basic food shop or something... just fill up his cupboards with baked beans and bags of pasta and porridge... and give him £50 and say that's all you can do.
You arent going to help him learn to support himself if he ends up dropping out of uni...
I wouldnt be destotuting yourself to give him exactly what he asks for but I would attempt to help him a bit on the food side of things.... but make it clear you arent happy and csnt really afford this so he is going to have to get a job asap

he has up until his next student finance instalment comes in to sort himself out

Why would he bother to do that, when he's being bailed out yet again and knows there's every chance it will continue? Unlike rent and food, words are cheap and listening to mum having a bit of a rant occasionally is a small price to pay for the endless bankrolling

Still, it's a useful thread to remember next time we all wonder how useless adults got to be quite so useless ...

I still think people are being a tad harsh. He’s only 19. Of course he doesn’t want to do a two hour commute to uni daily (not that I’m saying this was a good decision). I also find the OP’s stance of planning to charge him for ingredients for teaching him to cook just a bit odd. I would do everything I could to help my child out at that age, even if I couldn’t afford to pay for much.

Why do you want him to waste money coming home on Fridays? Are you expecting him to spend every weekend at home too? I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Is this thread for real? How has your son got to that age and you and your DH have raised him to be so hopeless with everyday life skills??

How does he not know how to cook?

Also an hr commute each way is most people's norm.

Sorely tempted to report this as a well disguised begging thread.

Commute from home for his 1st year then work over summer and switch the student loan so he can move out next year?

My DS has just started at university.

It took a huge amount of effort helping him get self sufficient. Lots of showing him meals and getting him to cook, showing how to shop & budget (he was already a capable cook but needed advice on making cheap meals)

He had my support in getting all the essentials for his room and kitchen etc.

And also needed to practice doing his laundry.

It was a long and expensive operation but I'm happy to say he is is settled and completely independent, managing his money (what little he has) well. He could not have achieved this without the guidance and support he got from me.

I also assisted him , in the beginning, with his loan applications and accommodation application although now he manages all that himself.

Please help your DS, don't refuse help because you don't want him to leave home.

I think students who live at home can really miss out though. It's not as easy to make friends because you aren't around to socialise as much - you're only there for lectures. He might find it hard to get a group to move out with next year.

He clearly thought commuting to uni was going to be ok until he's tried it and now sees that it isn't working. Whose idea was it to live at home?

It’s ok to say that teens at this stage of life require financial support and the OP is simply terrible for not providing this 🙄😒 but MANY teens are in situations where parents can’t offer any financial support.

I couldn’t go to uni as a teen as my parents didn’t have the money to support me and I understood that they couldn’t pull it out of thin air 🙈

If you clearly told your DS that you would not be able to financially sub him then it’s on him to take that info and make appropriate plans, not on you to magically pull cash out of nowhere. He needs to learn responsibility else he’ll never be able to budget...etc and will expect to be bailed out.

Personally, i know that if I were you and my 19 yo needed a loan from me that I would give it to him. I'd just struggle through. At 19 he's still a kid and I'd expect that he'd need a little help now and then. Just being honest. Can't say if it's the right thing or not just that I'd do it.

He made a choice to move out. He needs to find out the hard way otherwise next month he will be back with another reason he needs you to pay for him

At 19 he is an adult.

IMO, he should sort it all out for himself, hard tho this may be for you to watch. He chose this.

There are two problems here which come down to one thing and that is that as a wonderful mum you have supported him,loved and cared for him and maybe have wanted to hang onto him.Now one problem is that he cannot care for himself i.e cooking etc..but the second is he hasnt learnt how to be independent.It seems like he now wants to do these things but doesnt have any idea how to do it.You need to gently pursuade him to stay for the first year.Then he has time to sort a job,finances etc..It also gives you time to teach him how to take care of himself.good luck

I bet he will be fine. You will always be there to offer moral support. This can be more helpful than practical support sometimes. Being a mother is not just the practical side and have been clear from the start what you are able to offer.
He made the choice to move near the university and could get a part-time job, a lot of students do this. Is there anyway he can change his application to saying that he requires a grant. If not I would imagine he can do it for the next year. He will now have a lot more opportunities to enjoy university life if he lives near by which I would imagine he would miss out on if he lived at home. I believe it is important for teenagers to build their characters and resilience before they go out into the big wide world, with you nearby. He will not starve - I know I didn't when I was in a similar position years ago- a bit of hardship- but I am sure he will have fun too.

It is simple. You shouldn't lend him the money and he should move back in until he gets a job. Don't get into debt to help him.

Sorry but he sounds like a spoilt boy to me! Hes a grown man at 19, sending him off with some food and doing his washing is part of the course but taking out loans for him!! NO WAY would I do this.
He wants to move out, obviously thinks hes missing out on the fun the others are having, but there not telling him the bad stuff.
Tell him he needs to fund himself as his decision to move.
How many wish they could live nearer to home!

I would say he should stay at home until he gets the appropriate loan sorted out. That's the consequence of being careless with his money. If you bail him out now, it'll set a precedent and it won't be the last time. I would go along and help him sort out his loan etc. Get him to work through it with you so he learns what's required.

I am really surprised at the amount of people who seem to think supporting your DC through Uni is strange Obviously if you cannot afford it that's different but generally it is not the norm