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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to re-home my dog

162 replies

Noselfconfidenceatall · 10/10/2019 20:07

My DP is terrified of my dog (his breed) he was physically attacked bybone and never got over it . He is a fantastic do, great with the DC, loves my mum's toy breed dog but mine he can't handle it. The hairs stand up on his arms when he even talks about him. He understands the upset it will bring in rehoming , however I don't want to 😭

OP posts:
Anothernotherone · 11/10/2019 06:39

If your dog's only 3 you can't have been with this partner long (assuming that you didn't get the dog when already with the partner) and you have young children by the sound of it.

Are you rushing into living together? That's generally a terrible idea when you have children, regardless of the dog.

Do you have systems set up to keep dog and children apart when you're out of the room? Surely you must do for the safety of both?

If you have a safe set up for combining staffy and children in one household surely you can keep the dog apart from your partner using the same system (stairgates or whatever)?

nrpmum · 11/10/2019 06:39

Frankly, I’d worry he’s testing you to see what you’ll give up for him. If you give up the dog, it’s a huge sign you’ll capitulate to anything he asks.

This in buckets. Do Not get rid of your dog for this man.

I have been in your situation. The ex was controlling, and the one thing that made me see it was them telling me it was the dog or them. I chose the dog. She's an SBT, and also far more loyal and loving than the ex was.

FunkySnidge · 11/10/2019 06:45

I think lots of posters have no idea how difficult this is and you need more sympathy!
You can't just pooh pooh away a phobia and at least this dp has a genuine reason for one! I'm a dog lover and if I had been attacked by a dog I think I would naturally be wary of certain breeds too.
However, I really don't think this is a reason to rehome your dog. How unfair for your dog to be passed to yet another home just because another dog attacked another person you just accidentally fell in love with!
Your commitment to this dog was there first.
Sometimes there is a practical reason for rehoming a dog, where some one can't care properly for the animal's needs anymore, but your situation is really not in that category. You are just finding the dog a barrier to something you are currently indulging in, you don't say how long term this relationship might be but you aren't even living together from the sound of your posts (sorry if I missed one). What other parts of you and your life are you going to just erase to accommodate this relationship? It's not a healthy mindset.

To be part of your life your dp needs to build a relationship with your dog - not necessarily magically get over his fear of this breed or other dogs.
You can start by joining a training class or agility club etc together. He needs to learn how to interact and communicate with your dog as a living being.

PixieDustt · 11/10/2019 06:59

I agree with PP's I wouldn't re home a dog for a partner when the dog has done nothing to warrant that. Your dog was there first.

DriftingLeaves · 11/10/2019 07:06

Going against the grain here but if you want a future with this man then the dog has to go.

People before animals, always.

If that makes you too sad then let him go and find a relationship with someone else, it seems only fair.

Momniscient · 11/10/2019 07:09

Keep the dog!

DP needs help if he wants to stay, but the dog was there first and loves you more!

Pringlesfortea · 11/10/2019 07:16

How will your kids feel about your dp if you get rid of their dog because of him? I imagine they would be very upset and it would impact their relationship with him..
I think this is just a sign your relationship is not meant to be x

Pringlesfortea · 11/10/2019 07:17

I was bit as a child by a Great Dane ,dosnt mean I hate the breed ..I got over it...your dp could to if he wanted to

Anothernotherone · 11/10/2019 07:18

DriftingLeaves I must admit that in the partner's exact position (i.e. in his case having been attacked by a dog of that powerful breed, and knowing that the phobia isn't irrational not only based on his personal experience but the fact dogs of that breed have maimed plenty of adults and killed children, no matter how lovely most are...) I'd be out of the relationship immediately, moving in together would be completely off the table in any eventuality.

If the partner was posting I'd say it's not the relationship for you, leave, or keep it casual and ling distance at most.

Moondancer73 · 11/10/2019 07:20

Don't rehome the dog. Your DP needs to get help. Your dog has been your loyal friend and you can't just cast him aside now

Anothernotherone · 11/10/2019 07:21

In the OP's case though the people who need to come first (before the dog or presumably relatively new man) are the children.

Children first by a country mile, then
Dog slightly ahead of
Partner

because the relationship must be fairly new. If the partner had been around longer obviously getting the dog wouldn't have happened at all...

...

Damntheman · 11/10/2019 07:28

I have a huge amount of sympathy for your partner OP, but do not get rid of your dog. You'll regret it forever!

Live apart, find someone who can look after ddog while partner comes to stay. Partner MUST get therapy, for his own good over anything else. A phobia that debilitating is no way to live a life.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 11/10/2019 08:37

I have a dog, and on the dating scene it's very much a case of 'love me, love my dog'.

I'm allergic to cats, and wouldn't date someone with cats because I couldn't live with them and I couldn't expect them to rehome a pet for me.

I could never rehome my dog for a man - it would traumatise the dog, it would traumatise me, and the grief of losing DDog would drive a wedge between me and the man. Plus, if I rehomed the dog and the relationship didn't work out I'd have lost both.

Your partner needs professional help, but your dog comes first.

userxx · 11/10/2019 08:53

Not a chance I'd get rid of my dog for a man. Noooooo way.

jumbojelly · 11/10/2019 09:01

Nope I wouldn't. He would just need to live separately. You made a commitment to the dog. You can't just pick and choose. It's not fair on the kids either.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 11/10/2019 09:20

Do NOT rehome him. It's unfair to him and unfair to you. And what happens if you and DP split? You'll resent him so much for choosing him over your dog I can see problems arising from that anyway.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 11/10/2019 09:29

Op do not rehome your dog. It's been rehomed once before, you are unrealistic thinking you can stay In contact and the truth is as a staffie it might not get rehomed. (I speak as someone who was savaged as a kid by my neighbours dog. I'd just got off the school bus and my friends heard me screaming.)

Your DP needs to get help in some way to overcome these fears. There are therapies you can get through your GP.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 11/10/2019 09:37

I had to give up my staffie cross due to circumstances out of my control and it killed me .I still cry over it sometimes nearly 7 years later.Please dont give it up its like someone has took your heart out,seriously.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 11/10/2019 09:38

Sorry I mean the feeling of losing the dog is like someone taking your heart out not that you are being heartless for considering it.Didnt want any crossed wires.

DeathStare · 11/10/2019 09:45

So your DP lives some way away and only visits sometimes? If that is the case is there anyway your dog can just stay somewhere else when your DP visits until your DP has some therapy?

When you say your DP has tried to deal with this, has he actually seen his GP and asked for a referral to an appropriate therapist? If not, he hasn't really tried that hard.

Singlenotsingle · 11/10/2019 09:58

Swop dogs with your DM? She has the staffie and you have the toy dog.

Howyiz · 11/10/2019 10:07

The dog is 3. S/he was already rehomed to you? So just how long have you been with this partner? If he lives far away how well do you know him?

TwoPupsandaHamster · 11/10/2019 10:27

Swop dogs with your DM? She has the staffie and you have the toy dog

What?!!

By the same token - swop your partner for your friends partner. She gets the bloke who is scared of dogs and you get a dog lover. Sorted! 😊

raspberryk · 11/10/2019 10:30

Swop dogs with your DM? She has the staffie and you have the toy dog

What?? That's Batshit!

Plus I'd rather have a staff than a toy breed round my kids any day of the week.

Anothernotherone · 11/10/2019 12:19

@Noselfconfidenceatall I didn't register your comment about a previous owner!

How long have you actually had this dog, given its only 3 years old and has a previous owner? Why did the previous owner re-home it?

How long have you been with your partner? Is this a case of a long distance boyfriend you've known 6 months, or an actual partner you've known a couple of years and merged lives to an extent with (holidays together, mutual possessions, met all of one another's close family and friends, actually know one another in a way only substantial time spent alone together achieves)?