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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to re-home my dog

162 replies

Noselfconfidenceatall · 10/10/2019 20:07

My DP is terrified of my dog (his breed) he was physically attacked bybone and never got over it . He is a fantastic do, great with the DC, loves my mum's toy breed dog but mine he can't handle it. The hairs stand up on his arms when he even talks about him. He understands the upset it will bring in rehoming , however I don't want to 😭

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2019 21:24

I personally wouldn't rehone my dog. I don't accept your dp can't get over his phobia, he needs to keep trying, or choose to live separately.

picklemepopcorn · 10/10/2019 21:25

Over time he will get over it. You need to introduce the dog very slowly- so pictures, seeing the dog being walked on the other side of the field etc. Don't even try face to face until he's used to seeing the dog at a distance.

You can manage for a while, don't rehome the dog.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2019 21:25

There are tons of tips and even whole programmes online about how to get over a phobia.

Even if you rehomed your dog, you cannot guarantee an owner will look after them. I recently read an article about a man, who was reunited with his dog he rehomed when he moved abroad. He had since moved back home after a few years. The poor dog was found homeless and by all accounts had had a dreadful time despite him taking great care to find new owners before he left.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 10/10/2019 21:26

I'm waiting for the perfectly perfect home in my town so i can keep in contact

Please be realistic. No new owner will really want to keep in contact with an old owner. Rehoming a dog is a huge risk, the people who fight them can easily get hold of them, or the type of people who rehome via gumtree etc instead of a charity are more likely to be those who won't prioritise spending on your dog if they need expensive vet treatment and so on. And you've got one of the worst possible types of breed to try to rehome.

Your dog is dependent on you. I'd keep the dog and the partner and I would work within the situation as best as we can.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/10/2019 21:27

The obvious solution if you are hell bent on rehoming the dog is to swap dogs with your mum. But personally your dp should be getting over his phobia.

Gingersstuff · 10/10/2019 21:30

If this guy truly can’t see past your dog and won’t move heaven and earth to make this work then he’s not the man for you, sorry. You can’t just give your beloved pet away, you’re his person, his whole world.
And @HotChocolateLover what a vile attitude to have. A living animal is not a fucking handbag you “sack off” when you’re bored of it.

Aprillygirl · 10/10/2019 21:31

A 'fantastic' man would do something to overcome his fear rather than ask you to give up your poor dog. I can't believe you would even contemplate this OP.

KingPrawnOkay · 10/10/2019 21:31

There’s nothing that could ever make me give up my dog. He’s family. And I was terrified of dogs myself. This sounds awful, but how would you feel if you gave your dog away and you and DP split up? Dog was there first so he should stay and DP needs to get help or stop coming over. Please, please, please don’t give your dog away. He won’t understand why you don’t want him anymore.

Original poster
Noselfconfidenceatall · 10/10/2019 21:32

Can I add i took him in and am in touch with previous owner, after seeing these replies I'm going to try other tacticys, I just can't do it 😭

OP posts:
Inebriati · 10/10/2019 21:33

If he has a deep seated phobia then it probably isn't treatable, but its not ok for him to demand you get rid of your dog. Its a terrible thing to do to both your dog and your children.

Idontwanttotalk · 10/10/2019 21:33

YANBU. The dog was here first so it should be a case of 'Love me, love my dog'.

Tolleshunt · 10/10/2019 21:35

Don’t get rid of the dog. Phobias are relatively easy to treat with hypnotherapy. DP needs to see someone about his phobia or live apart from you while the dog is alive. If DP is reluctant to seek therapy for you/ddog you should be asking yourself why.

Costacoffeeplease · 10/10/2019 21:35

No man would come before any of my pets, they would have to pass the pet test before a second date. If you do re-home (and the ‘perfect local family’ is a pipe dream) then never get another pet again

frankie246 · 10/10/2019 21:37

Choose the dog!

FizzyIce · 10/10/2019 21:39

I could never get rid of a beloved pet for a man .
Sorry but I just couldn’t .
He could seek help if he wanted ..
You said he doesn’t like the breed of your dog as he was attacked by one but then say he doesn’t like pits or huskies either .. so he has been attacked by both of these breeds ??

99RedBalloonsFloating · 10/10/2019 21:41

@Noselfconfidenceatall

You don't need a behaviourist for your dog, you need a referral to a trauma specialist for your partner. It will improve his quality of life and you will hopefully be able to live with both of them.

You have said "he tried so hard" to get over his fear but with trauma responses like this, that won't work. Currently the dog is the trigger for his PTSD symptoms but it does not need to continue like this. Your partner needs specialist guidance and it can do wonders.

The reason him simply "trying hard" to get over it won't every work without specialist support, is that traumatic memories are stored in a different, older, part of the brain to normal memories and so when triggered - in this case by your dog - that triggers physical responses like freezing, maybe flashbacks, panic, etc.

There are specialists who can help unravel this but he can't do it on his own. The good news is that if he is committed to getting over this, that is likely to really help with the treatment. Go to the GP and ask for referral to someone who can help. www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment/.

It can be done - I used to work with torture survivors who were in almost constant flashback and panic, and with proper trauma informed treatment they are very functional now and you would never know what they have been through.

EKGEMS · 10/10/2019 21:43

Keep the dog get your boyfriend professional help if he refuses re-home him

stanski · 10/10/2019 21:47

Staffies are very loving creatures. I wouldn't be able to rehome personally and would work around it somehow. Your poor dog would suffer immense stress. He's only 3 just a baby really.

AmazingAardvark · 10/10/2019 21:49

It’s a tough situation OP. What has your DP tried so far? He should be able to access therapy for phobias via the NHS - in many areas you can self-refer or he can see his GP for a referral.

Muumee · 10/10/2019 21:50

How long have you had the dog out of interest? As you say you are in touch with the previous owner, do you mean breeder or you rehomed him?

puppymouse · 10/10/2019 21:54

Choose the dog.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/10/2019 21:55

even worse to consider rehoming when you are the dogs 2nd owner, how awful for the poor dog to lose its family once again for another new family, no way should that be an option.
Your dp needs to get himself referred for some kind of therepy to deal with this asap.

RIBlue · 10/10/2019 21:56

I would, and have, decide that a man was unsuitable before I’d rehome my dog?! This is my dog’s house, boyfriends are visitors...

Inebriati · 10/10/2019 21:56

I keep hearing really good things about EMDR therapy for PTSD.

Butterymuffin · 10/10/2019 22:00

When you say he's tried so hard, what has he tried? Counselling/ therapy? What kind?