To not want to re-home my dog

[Noselfconfidenceatall]

My DP is terrified of my dog (his breed) he was physically attacked bybone and never got over it . He is a fantastic do, great with the DC, loves my mum's toy breed dog but mine he can't handle it. The hairs stand up on his arms when he even talks about him. He understands the upset it will bring in rehoming , however I don't want to 😭

Live separately from your DP. Often a good idea anyway.

Choose the dog. I could never get rid of my dog for a man. Heartbreaking

Right, you’re the dog’s second owner, so you cannot rehome. Totally unfair.

I appreciate money is tight. If you and DP are serious, you can live apart and save over the longer term until you have enough.

Your DP may never like most bull breeds etc but he can certainly learn to like your 1 particular dog, with expert help.

He can go on a waiting list via his GP for help.

If he won’t pursue these options then think about what that is saying about how he values your opinion and your emotions.

I do wonder if there is an element of incipient control here.
I worry this could be the case because you’ve said it’s getting stressful for you. Why? If you live apart and your mum loves your dog and can look after when he visits, where is the stress coming from?

Frankly, I’d worry he’s testing you to see what you’ll give up for him. If you give up the dog, it’s a huge sign you’ll capitulate to anything he asks.

Push back. He needs to get professional help to work through his issues.

I love my own dogs and can't imagine abandoning them, but from your partner's point of view, I also can't imagine sharing my home with a breed that terrified me.

He may not want to undergo therapy for this, because he may feel that his fear isn't "wrong". I haven't been attacked by a dog, but there are certain breeds that I simply would not be willing to live with. It's not a phobia, it's a decision.

It's a difficult situation. I wouldn't blame you for choosing your dog over your partner, but neither can I blame him for wanting to feel safe (and being unable to live happily with certain dogs). I hope you're able to work something out.

He needs therapy, I wouldn't rehome my dog for a man but I've certainly put a man up for adoption.

He may not want to undergo therapy for this, because he may feel that his fear isn't "wrong". I haven't been attacked by a dog, but there are certain breeds that I simply would not be willing to live with. It's not a phobia, it's a decision.

But, he appears to be asking to live with OP. Knowing she has a dog he is phobic of. He’s asking her to decide something he isn’t willing to do work on (or that’s how it appears).

Swap dogs with your mum?

Keep the dog.

Most fears are based, IMO, of being unable to predict or understand dog body language and communication. Thinking small=safe and larger=killing machine suggests that your boyfriend doesn't actually know what a dog is thinking when their ears are pricked up and forward but still relaxed, the various sounds they make that aren't growls but general talking - can he even identify the 'play with me' dip?

DP grew up with working dogs around where he lived - so the most interaction he had was of one protecting their home. But we would sit on the beach and watch the dogs playing, investigating, saying to anybody who knew to look OHMIGODTHISISAMAZEBALLS, BIRD!BIRD!WATER!BIRD!SEAWEED!COLD!, what on earth is that? Muuuuuuum?, MUUUUUUUMLOOKI'MRUNNING, or my favourite YAYYAYYAYYAYI'MONABEACHANDTHERE'SPEOPLEWHYHELLOPEOPLESITTINGTHEREDOYOUHAVEBISCUITSINYOURBAGNICETOMEETYOUIMOFFTOSEEIFANYBODYELSEHASBISCUITSYAYYAYYAYILOVETHEBEACH.

It didn't take him long to learn what they looked like when happy, unsure, excited - all of which a frightened person is unlikely to be able to discern, especially with talkative dogs like Staffies, as a lot of their grumbles, moans and witterings sound like growls to the unknowing. the fact they have heads like breezeblocks and no effective braking system doesn't help. He's now happy when the monster staffie/black lab down the road insists upon having fusses from me whenever he sees me and has fussed him himself when it's decided well, the man's with the friendly lady so I'll say hello for a bit (he's a bit of a jumper, but he's learning to try and keep at least three paws on the ground). And he's said he would like us to get a puppy when the time is right.

DP knew I loved animals and, having seen how the DTwatCats behave (again, he had outdoor/farm cats, not 'pet' cats), he decided that he needed to understand why/how I deal with them. He made the effort, despite his upbringing telling him that dogs were dangerous, cats were scratchy and so on.

Had he not made that effort, he would still be scared all the time. And not with me.

I would never abandon animals that were dependent upon me, that I have a lifelong responsibility towards, just to make somebody else feel more important.

How long have you been with your DP. And how long have you had the dog. I couldn't give up my animals but I would never get an animal by DP was scared of if he was in the scene first.

My DP is terrified of my dog (his breed) he was physically attacked by one

but any pit /bull /husky / malamut type he freezes

is it just the type of dog he was attacked by or any large dog? Or was he attacked more than once?

That is a lot of dog breeds he seems to have problems with.

No fucking way would I rehome the dog, and I'm not even particularly a dog person. It will cause such massive resentment that surely it would kill the relationship?! Can't you keep the dog in another room or with a dog sitter when he visits? He could and should get therapy for his phobia. What if you split up? You'd hate yourself. And your kids will be devastated surely? Not to mention the poor dog.

Your dog might last longer than your relationship.
How will you feel if you and DP ever break up and you've given away your dog?

"If I had the money I would pay a behaviourist in a heart beat "

Why do you need a behaviourist?

How long have you been in a relationship with him? I once dumped a boyfriend who didn’t like my dog, there was no future for us because the dog was part of my life and it was like asking me to send away my child. I have no regrets.

OP, how are you even considering this :(
I hope it isnt serious and you just wanted support in knowing your 'D' p is unreasonable

For example I recently lost my 15 year old mix breed and now my toddler has some of her traits as odd as that sounds

Ah, the absolute batshittery of some dog owners 😂

@TrendyNorthLondonTeen it was me that made the suggestion of a behaviourist... because I am one.

Not because theres anything wrong with the dogs behaviour, but because they'd be better placed to do a number of things...

Explain dog behaviour clearly.
Explain how to introduce dog + DP in a way thats safe and keeps DP under threshold (basically treating DP the same way you'd treat a phobic or terrified dog in other words) so you might have them walk in the same park, parallel but 30 or 40ft apart, or he watches dog from the other side of a fence whatever distance away makes him feel safe.
Explain how to set up the home so that both dog and person can be there without either suffering (when that point is achieved).

A good behaviourist understands fear, what drives it and how to counter condition it, regardless of whether that fear is in a human or a dog.

Overcoming fear involves a LOT of different factors - understanding and being able to predict behaviour is one, positive reinforcement is another, understanding thresholds is yet another...

I would do this alongside DP seeing someone who treats phobias in humans as well of course, and probably with the use of anti anxiety drugs as well (I certainly wouldn't attempt treating a deep seated phobia in a dog without the appropriate drugs from the vet).

This is really NOT something he is going to 'get over' simply by 'trying', he is going to have to seek outside help from probably several experts.

A dog is for life - a partner... well, who knows how long they will be around.

I'm sorry but I think this is just a sign of basic incompatibility, it's like a non smoker expecting a smoker to give up when they don't want to. So I don't think it's good sign that he is making this your problem, ie that you have to be the one that gives up your dog.

I'm sure there are books out there on dog phobias in adults with techniques you can try.

But I don't think you should give up the dog as I think apart from that being the morally wrong thing to do would create so much resentment I don't think the relationship would survive anyway.

If it was an allergy, then maybe. I could understand an allergy that may be so severe even the strongest meds couldn't help.

But a phobia? No, i wouldn't rehome my dog. Especially not when the dog has already been rehomed once! The dog relied on you. You're his pack.

Your DP needs to get help for his phobia. If the phobia is so bad, he must struggle just seeing big dogs in the street. Getting help will be good for his whole wellbeing.

If the only way to live with my DP was to rehome my dog, it would be the DP who would go. There are only.some exceptional cases where the dog would be the one rehomed. Very exceptional. I have a husky who drives me bonkers with his separation anxiety but would never rehome him for a guy.

You, your DC, and the dog will all be unhappy if you rehome, your DP will be happy. One man's feelings do not trump everyone else's in the equation.

Jesus. So the dog has been rehomed once already and you are going to do it again. Fuck that shit.

Your kids dog is going to be taken away from them so what, your do can move in?

You cab be in love with him. He just cant live in until he gets himselfnsime help.

Would your oh look at doing cbt? That is an effectice treatment for phobia.

I'm sorry to say, I wouldn't consider rehoming my dog. I would encourage my oh to seek therapy and in the meantime meet him elsewhere than my house without my dog. It's not ideal but for me this would the the best option.

Why it is always a staffie on most dog threads.