Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 21:17

Midnight - I think you've misread what I said. I've never once intended to wait until days before the wedding to say no. I'm saying it'd be better to be honest now about how I feel than to wait, surely?

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 10/10/2019 21:18

Hi OP

Flying with a very young baby is absolutely fine. I've done it a few times as my husband is from a different country. The baby will be small enough to pop in a sling so no faffing taking buggies to the gate etc. They will just fall asleep and if they get at all grizzly then you can just feed them. No need to be taking them for a wee or worried about entertaining them or worried about snacks and meals and routine being messed up - at that stage they wont have one. Plus babies tickets are cheap unlike older children. Also if you're a nervous flier, having a baby that you've got to keep calm for, can actually help. They are always helpful at check in and the gate and everything if you have a tiny baby as well.

I would go. Skip the hen if it's a big expense and put that towards plane tickets for you both. Going up to Scotland shouldn't be mega expensive in June. And look for somewhere cheaper to stay like a premier inn. It's a long time away, there may be some way of making some extra cash before then? I found I saved quite a lot of money when I was pregnant as didnt go out drinking or shopping or anything as much.

I can see why she is upset. It sounds like you are trying to find reasons not to go rather than find solutions.

Ludways · 10/10/2019 21:18

I wouldn't go to the hen do but I'd definitely go to the wedding. I don't think it's very nice of you to miss it.

EC22 · 10/10/2019 21:19

You basically it’s nothing to do with the baby really, you just don’t want to spend the money (you’d already planned on spending) and are using the baby as an excuse.
Not best friend material.

Ginger1982 · 10/10/2019 21:20

Surely your partner would be going with you though so it's not as if you would be going on your own?

Beautiful3 · 10/10/2019 21:20

I spent around 6 weeks after each baby resting my sore bits and boobs. I was massively sleep deprived too. I think you're being very sensible to decline now, so you're not letting her down at the last minute. I agreed to attend a friends 40th birthday party, it was 4 weeks after the birth of baby number 1. I was tired, stressed, pnd and developed mastitis. I didn't go. I got the "I'm disappointed in you" also the "theres no money in the card you sent?!" 🙄 Some people have no idea how hard it can be after giving birth.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 10/10/2019 21:21

I took my 4 week old baby to my best friends wedding.

I don't really know why you can't make the effort to attend. You could also still be MOH if you wanted to.

I think you are making up excuses not to do any of it. If I was your friend I'd e more upset to see through the excuses rather than you being up front and honest.

anothernamejeeves · 10/10/2019 21:22

Why did you get pregnant after agreeing to be a MOH? You sound so self centred it's quite untrue

BumblePan · 10/10/2019 21:22

Your poor friend. She must be so disappointed. It sounds like you don't want to go as the excuses are not really valid ones. The wedding isn't a last minute event, so there is plenty of time to budget and plan.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 10/10/2019 21:22

I'm probably more her best friend than she is mine.*
*
And there we have it......the real reason

I feel sad for her

Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 21:22

Hmm.. okay. Thanks for all the replies. I guess I'll have another think, a re-look at finances and another chat to family.

If I wasn't pregnant then I would go. But I've got to buy everything our baby needs, as I said previously we have an unexpected solicitor bill, another holiday to pay for..

Everything has been a bit of a shock and unexpected and maybe I have overreacted.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 10/10/2019 21:25

Why did you get pregnant after agreeing to be a MOH? You sound so self centred it's quite untrue

Please tell me you're kidding!!!

timshelthechoice · 10/10/2019 21:25

You don't want to go to her wedding. You're just making excuses and bigging yourself up that you're doing her some kind of favour by deigning to be her friend. Just own it and tell her the truth.

MintyMabel · 10/10/2019 21:26

So save up or pay it off before mat leave?

It isn’t that she won’t have it, it’s that spending it on a trip maybe isn’t the best use of it when money is tight. 300 quid for accommodation, plus a couple of hundred for travel costs and meals etc. Not many on mat leave could happily splash 500 on what is essentially a party.

Whatever happened to “it’s an invitation not a summons”?

I travel fairly extensively. South England to North Scotland isn’t a big deal for me. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it 8 weeks after I’d given birth when I was still a sleep deprived hot mess. Nor would I have wanted to go to a wedding.

My sister didn’t make my brother’s wedding for the same reason. Nobody died because of it and the day went just fine for everyone.

OP, if you don’t want to go, don’t go. Don’t be guilted in to it by a friend who (I assume) has no idea of the logistics of a trip like this. Or by people here doing the whole “I flew round the world with three children under three” bit. People are different and deal with travelling differently. If your friend is a real friend she will be disappointed but will understand. If she decides to turn her back on you because of one event, she is no loss. Maybe she’ll understand when she has her first baby.

Actually way easier with a baby than say a toddler

Completely disagree. A toddler can be distracted by snacks and tech if they get antsy between Preston and Carlisle. If a baby wakes and cries, that’s a really long way to try to deal with it without being able to stop.

vavavoomdeboom · 10/10/2019 21:26

Hen do, no, but taking a baby at 2 months to Scotland is easy. If you drive they'll happily snooze most of the time.

Evilspiritgin · 10/10/2019 21:27

@Beautiful3

Sorry didn’t realise that everyone who answered the thread didn’t have children!! Oh wait they do
All op had too do was tell bride I’m pregnant , they baby is due 2 months before wedding, I am going to do all I can to be there as your my best friend but maybe I’ll stand down from being moh Just in case I have complications and can’t come

Flightsoffancy · 10/10/2019 21:27

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted to go that far with an eight week old either, and I would have worried about it dreadfully beforehand. Just because some people climb Kilimanjaro with their newborns doesn't mean to say you have to. I also wouldn't have left her overnight, let alone for two nights. Absolutely not. Do what you are comfortable with.
I can understand your friend's disappointment, but this choice is yours alone. Don't be pushed into something you're uncomfortable with.

Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 21:28

Thank you @MintyMabel Thanks

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 10/10/2019 21:28

I also can’t believe people are suggesting you just up and leave your baby for a few days at 8 weeks old. Yet if the post was about letting ex (or MIL) have the baby overnight at such a young age the replies would be very different.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/10/2019 21:28

We took DS from Bristol to the Hebrides when he was 4 weeks old by car (it was before the guidance about time spent by babies in car seats, but hey ho he's survived into teenager years). A lot easier than with him as a toddler. I have a memory of changing his nappy on the floor of the car boot in the middle of Glencoe.

MintyMabel · 10/10/2019 21:29

If you drive they'll happily snooze most of the time.

Uhuh. Those babies just get in the car and never wake up. 🙄

karala · 10/10/2019 21:29

I think you need to look after you and your family - you have no idea how you will feel after your baby is born. You might struggle with feeding or anything - equally things might go very well however I think that you have the right to stay at home with your small baby and enjoy it and not feel pressured into travelling and spending money that you don't have

tangled2 · 10/10/2019 21:30

With the benefit of hindsight, it would be fine in my experience. They will never be as easy to take places! Tiny, sleeps a lot, don't need entertaining, usually people will be super helpful and accommodating. It will seem a huge deal but I think it would surprise you. I would be devastated at missing a close friends wedding, or if they missed mine.

The hen do on the other hand I would probably sack off the clubbing bit, but go to the rest.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 10/10/2019 21:30

I haven't said I won't go or she has to change her plans
Yes, you have. In your own words...

I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place

Congratulations on trashing your friendship. Not because you aren't happy about going or because your reasons are so bad, but because of the overly precious, self-indulgent, arrogant way you've gone about it.

Newmumma83 · 10/10/2019 21:30

Honestly guys it depends on your baby my 8 week old didn’t sleep out of arms ... for more than an hour had colic and reflux I spent most of my time hallucinating from the sheer lack of sleep ... he is a happy 10 month old but still not a great sleeper

She doesn’t know what baby she is going to get and is trying to be sensible I would have not had an issue with my best friend if I was the one getting married

Though that is upon reflection having had a difficult first 4 months

Other babies absolutely transfer away! But it would be daunting to anyone that is finding their way.

Op honestly I get it and your friend probably would too if she had been in my shoes 👞

Also absolutely best to consider finances even with two incomes the other people on here commenting about being tight have no idea how much free money you and your partner had before and the impact of a baby to the sore cash you did have

For example I know I am £728 down per month with nursery based on 3 days a week ... I was to run up debt ... well let’s say I couldn’t repay it ... what if op is in a similar boat? You don’t know so please don’t call her tight.

You prob could do it one of my best friends had a baby slept 6 hours straight from day one and moved to Madrid from uk when he was 7 weeks old ... and my god I think she is marvellous but you can’t be told how to behave based on someone else’s circumstances we each have our own so try not to feel bad x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread