Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

Money?? It’s your best friend’s wedding and she’s asked you to be Maid of honour..!

YABU and I’m not surprised your friend is upset.

The hen party I can understand to a point, I would probably go for food and then go home and skip the club.

Attend the wedding, there will be plenty of people to hold baby if necessary. Travelling with tiny babies is a doddle, I took DS to a close friends wedding at 3 days old and it was a lovely way for everyone to meet him without having to come to my house
Probably an extreme situation as I was absolutely fine but I’m sure providing you have no major issues you would be okay. It’s only one day and I wouldn’t jeopardise an otherwise good friendship over being a bit precious.

Hen do - YANBU
Wedding - YABU

Where are you going on Scotland and I bet we could find cheaper accommodation than that.

OP I don't understand why you're saying you don't have the money? You already knew where the wedding would be and that you would need to stay up there and get transport. None of those costs will change with having a baby.

Your baby won't need to be without you overnight?? Take the baby to the wedding. I'm sure your friend won't be expecting you not to have your baby with you.

I think you're overthinking things x

I had a baby 3 days before one of my best friends wedding. I ended up in theatre and came home the day before the wedding. I felt like death warmed up and knew there was no way i was in any state to attend a full day wedding. I went for the ceremony though. There was no way I was missing that.

I think your concerns would be more valid if you were due to have your baby the week of her wedding. But you're not. Not even close

If all is well with the baby, I'd definitely go to the wedding but with the hen dos I'd only attend pre-clubbing bits. If she really is such a close friend, then not going to the wedding is BU I'm afraid...

I think you sound quite tight, OP. How many times does your best friend get married with you as MOH?

But she’s probably better off asking someone else.

OP, I think you are immensely sensible in your first plan, not to travel with your eight week old, to a wedding you wouldn't be able to focus on because your baby would be taking all your attention. You will be tired with an eight week old, you might still have injuries that need consideration, getting a shower a day might be a miracle never mind dressing up for a wedding. The baby will cry, you won't have everything you need because you won't be at home, it will be a nightmare.

All these 'she's your best friend, you must go' people are … well, not thinking it through.

Don't go. You're right, so right. Don't go.

depends on the birth and the baby. My first cried every 20 minutes for the first 6 months, but he was born with low blood sugar as I had preeclampsia and I had to feed him constantly, he was very clingy and wouldn't take a bottle. My second was very content and an easy baby could have travelled with him at 3 months, not so much my first and if I went too long without feeding I would leak, so as MOH in the spotlight I would be embarrassed.

@queenenid I understand that, and I had a plan to be saving. I'll be on mat pay from February, and we already had a holiday booked before all of this so that's our main holiday. We now also have a solicitor bill to pay that's double what we were expecting. That's why we just don't think it'll be affordable for us.

I'm not trying to come up with excuses, and of course I don't want to miss her wedding. I just want to be careful I don't get myself into debt and I've obviously been anxious about a number of other things.

Maybe it's the way I've worded everything then. I just thought it'd be best to be honest about how I feel than wait until just before the wedding to say I can't make it for whatever reason.

I think you should plan to go. I would be so upset if my best friend said she couldn't make it.
I do understand you fear as you don't know how you'll feel after baby is born but a few months in I think you'll be fine.
I managed to get myself and baby over to France for a friend (not best) wedding at 7 months and I was so happy I did.

I'm sure you could find 2 nights accommodation for a lot less than £300.

Wheres the wedding??

I flew to America with my second when she was 10 weeks old. A friend attended a mutual friends wedding in france with a 6 week old. I.think YABU to miss her wedding and I would be very upset if I was her.

Re money - presumably your DP is in work and so with two incomes before mat leave kicks in you have some time to save extra?

Don't bite the hand that's feeds. By that I mean, if this is a friend who you may rely on at a later date to help you through a difficult period then do you really want to turn your back on her now?
My friends have been there for me through thick and thin and I have been there for them. No way would I miss my best friend's wedding. Fair enough id offer to step down as MOH but id love heaven and earth to be there for them.

I flew Bristol to Inverness with ds1 at 6 weeks
It's really not difficult

Just as I suspected, you are actually just too cheap/broke to go to the wedding and it actually has nothing to do with having a baby. 🙈

What part of her message was 'shitty'?

I hate hyperbole, it's usually a sign someone is over-compensating. You're clearly not 'absolutely buzzing' for her and are quite pleased that you have an excuse not to attend. And I probably would choose not to go too.

Sorry - you intended to wait till a few days before the wedding day to tell her you weren’t coming?

Sorry - but you’re being massively unreasonable. I’m not surprised she’s angry and ignoring you. You’ve come up with so many excuses - under the guise of being g truthful to her. The real truth is you don’t want to go. Just tell her that, because it’s silly to blame your child as the reason you can’t go.

There must be cheaper options re accommodation and if you had said to your 'best friend' that you were worried about money am sure she would have tried to help - seeing if any local friends could put you up, hitting local knowledge about b&b's etc....

On the train would be totally fine with a baby

Don’t go to hen do but flying or train should be ok for a baby

Driving can be harder

Bianca - OMG absolutely. And none of this has been to deliberately upset her. Not at all! And I know deep down she knows that. I've supported her through so so much, and she has with me.

Over the years we have been on and off close, and you're right, I'm probably more her best friend than she is mine. She doesn't have many friends and those that she has are generally twice her age or her partners friends. I've got lots of friends and I wouldn't ask her to be my MOH or GM to my child, for example. But that does not mean that I'd do any less for her than any of my other friends in terms of support etc.

I've just never travelled as far as Scotland before and have obviously found it all a bit daunting. Apparently being overly dramatic about that, but I guess everyone has their own reasons don't they.

An 8 week old baby will be fine. It’s her best friend. I went to my brother’s wedding at the other side of the country with a 10 day old baby. I didn’t have a great birth either but it was fine. Everyone held the baby and he slept lots and I had a great time. The baby will be 2 months old. It’s a perfect age to go.

It's sounds as if, you were or weren't pregnant you wouldn't go either way.
You seem unwilling and just want out and it's a shame that someone who holds you so high that you would return the favour by doing this. Without taking into consideration their feelings.
Surely you have sounded this off IRL to friends/ family and gauged their reaction and opinions?!
I'm sure many people on mumsnet would love to have such close friends as I've read peoples posts recently - those that struggle to make friendships at a late stage in life.