Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

@evilspiritgin - I did say that to start with. Then it went from there. She asked for a definite yes or no for food etc and I just don't see how I can commit to it really. I don't want to let her down but I'd rather do it now than in April/ May!

No don’t plan to leave your baby or drive fir that matter

But saying I want to see how I feel isn’t too bad, I can understand why you don’t want to let her know last minute

I don’t know how then but it might be ok

Laughing here about fucking complaining about logistics between England and Scotland

Oh for goodness sake, you don't lose use of your.legs and other faculties when you have a baby. I bet you'll love the P&C parking spaces right by the store entrances. You would've had to travel by some method or other with or without a baby so what's the difference?

YABU But first baby = anxiety which is normal. You could go to Scotland. You could fly. You can still have fun after baby. Baby fits in with you and is usually happier for it.
Her upset is understandable. If it were a week in Italy with the expense and new baby sleeping issue then fine. An over nighter is totally do able.

But @HappyMondayKidz no guest can be 100% definite yes or no they can say yes but no one knows what the future holds.

Honestly I’d rather have gone to wedding she DD’s were 8 weeks than at 3 and 1. Baby will most likely just fall asleep. I’d try and make it Op

I’ve been to a wedding with a young baby and a toddler. The toddler experience was utterly horrific. Baby was fine. But then I found the toddler years much harder than newborn/ pre-crawling stage.

Babies don’t move! They may sleep in a buggy if you’re lucky.

The truth is that she’s not that good a friend to you? As said above that’s fine but be honest rather than making excuses. For a best friend you’d take a 2 month old baby and find the money.

You'd definitely have to step down as bridesmaid so that's not unreasonable. However I'd tell her that you will have to see how you are once baby arrives. Baby could be late so would only be about 6 weeks, baby could be early and have issues, you could be breasfeeding so can't leave baby with the dad - there are many things to factor in. All going well you will be able to go and bring baby. So why not tell her you will wait and see how the birth goes and you hope to make it, but you cannot be bridesmaid. Start putting a few pounds aside for travel just in case. As for the hen, I wouldn't be bothered myself if I was heavily pregnant so you could give that a swerve.

You will get a cheaper hotel than £300 too . What area of Scotland are you going too. If it’s really touristy then travel lodge premier inn etc I’ll be in abundance.

Ouch. I'd be very disappointed.
Why can't you split the driving up into two days? It's not every day your best friend gets married.
I'd have done everything I could to get there.

Having said that, you don't know how well you'll be or if baby or you'll have any complications etc. I had severe pnd, it nearly didn't end well.

Try to keep it open, say you can't be MOH or bridesmaid cos you can't commit but you'll do everything you can to attend.

Well of course she is upset and rightly so, you accepted to be MOH but not are going back on it because your pregnant? You do realise baby's fly all over the world when they are newborns. Going to your best friends wedding in Scotland is the right thing to do.

@MutedUser yes, you're right. But I felt pressured for an answer and it just seems to have escalated from there. I guess I'm maybe thinking worse case scenario and as people have said am trying to be sensible for my baby, and for me. Finances as much as what I'm actually going to be up to doing. I just don't know, because I've never had one before. For all I know, I could (tough wood I don't) not even make it to March and be in a completely different situation altogether.

A hen do when pregnant does not sound enjoyable, but there is no reason you can't help plan it, and perhaps the two of you can find a way to have a spa day together (a spa day was amazing in late pregnancy! I did it both times).

As for the wedding, you will be absolutely fine to travel with a 3 month old, assuming you are both generally healthy after the birth. I know plenty of people who have traveled further. Babies under a year are super portable. We went to a wedding away (ours was 7 months at the time), but he was super easy and slept in the sling until we left at 10. We had a great time.

I wasn't able to be MOH in one of my oldest friend's weddings though after my ds was born and I'm still very sad I couldn't do it. It was entirely logistically impossible. I'm not British and had to submit my passport while my immigration case was decided (all fine, I have indefinite leave to remain now, but it took a very long time and I couldn't travel or have my passport during that time). Because I didn't have a passport, I couldn't get my ds a passport (being non-British, I have to submit my passport with his passport application). I couldn't get him a passport to travel, so even if my passport had come back in time (it arrived a few week's before the wedding), I couldn't leave him as he was bf and wouldn't take a bottle. The wedding was abroad a 10 hour flight away. I would have had to be away probably 4 days. It just wasn't possible. If I could have taken him with me and just gone for the weekend, I definitely would have, so hopefully you'll consider it.

@SoyDora

I can see her point to be honest. It’s Scotland, not Australia.

Exactly what I said in my head!
Op you're being extremely precious! You'll have a small baby but Scotland isn't the other end of the world! Tbh I would travel to Australia with a baby that age for my bestest friend (if I could afford it!).

I travelled on a 2hour flight with a 4 week old to wish my family and it was the easiest flight to date! Slept whole way 😀

I'd ignore you too.

Don't go if you don't want to but leave all the excuses.

I've just never travelled as far as Scotland before...daunting

What the fuck? Do you think it turns into Dystopia when you hit Gretna? Really, why would going to another bit of the UK be "daunting"? Why? Do you think the motorway will run out and you'll get stuck in a forest? Or that you won't understand how the place works? Really, what the fuck?

Can’t believe the response you’re getting OP. No way would I commit to a wedding with a newborn (and particularly firstborn). Stressful and exhausting, particularly if you’re breastfeeding. Don’t feel pressured to go. You can legitimately put yourself first here.

Hi Op,

Is she asking you to go without baby? I understand that pregnancy can be overwhelming, but wonder perhaps if some of her reaction is due to hurt? That you appear to be prioritizing holidays with your partner and purchasing baby items (much of which could be bought second hand), over her wedding.

Have you offered to do something alternative to her hen to celebrate with her? Is there bits of the hen you could do? Is not wanting to club about cost? Or? (As someone who has been incredibly sick in pregnancy I understand having to adapt events, but always try my best, and would prob consider going for an hour and then slipping away if at all possible - and driving to save on taxi etc costs).

Many of us that live and work in the UK (or anywhere!) have family elsewhere, travel with babies far younger than 8-9 weeks. It is unpredictable as it does depend on you and babies health, but it seems as if you’ve made a decision in advance that no matter how you feel, you won’t be there. If you were my friend, I’d be hurt by that.

Overall, in your anxiety, you’ve communicated to her that other things are much more important to you (than her or her important life event) and while that may be true, it’s understandably hurtful to her (she did ask you to be her MOH).

YANBU, having your first child is a life changing event. I would also be uncomfortable with committing to this wedding in your place. This is information you didn’t have when you initially agreed to be part of this wedding.

Unfortunately, some people hold weddings above all else in life and think missing one is unforgivable. I disagree.

I imagine you are feeling acutely aware of your new responsibilities in being pregnant and feeling torn about doing the right thing for your child versus your priorities before you found out you were pregnant. I think your reaction is normal and I would also want to be up front with my friend now rather than pretending all is fine and then having to drop out later on and cause greater disruption close to the event.

Do what is right for you to have a healthy pregnancy and don’t let this overshadow the birth or those first months with your child. If your friendship is real, you’ll find your way through this (whether the consensus is that she’s being a bridezilla or that you’re feeling over sensitive about having your first born).

So like I said at the beginning then. You mean more to her then she clearly does to you.
I feel really sorry for her. If you wanted to be there for her you would, instead of all the excuses you keep coming out with.

I would be stepping down from MOH role and possibly not attending her hen do.

But YABVVU not attending the wedding at all. It is perfectly ok to travel a 2 month old. I can understand why she is so hurt, I think you've ended this friendship...how sad.

Some weird responses on here. Perhaps from women who haven't gad children

"I travelled on a 2hour flight with a 4 week old to wish my family and it was the easiest flight to date! Slept whole way 😀"

So does that mean because your baby did that, ALL babies will? Do people not realise that some babies are like that (other peoples) and some babies are a bloody nightmare and scream and wake up every 30 minutes day and night (like my baby did,). No way was I in a fit state for a wedding or a bloody flight. Why do people generalise about babies. They are all different, some high maintenance, some low maintenance!

@MissingCoffeeandWine no she hasn't said about baby coming or not. But she does (did) want me to stay with her the night before. The holiday was booked before she asked me to be MOH, and I am buying things second hand.

I've absolutely offered to do something alternative. For both the hen do and the wedding. I've said I'm happy to go for a meal or anything else and then leave when they hit the clubs.. but she's not happy with me leaving early. I don't even know anyone else who would be going and I'll be 8 months pregnant and probably feeling uncomfortable. I'm 17 weeks now and still having morning sickness.

Maybe I have done. And I haven't meant to hurt her at all. I don't know if I've explained myself well on here at all, and definitely haven't been as 'matter of fact' about saying things as I have just now. I actually had 5 people read through my message before I sent it to make sure it didn't sound 'wrong' or harsh.