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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
johnlennonsglasses · 10/10/2019 20:52

Yanbu to miss the hen
Yabu to miss the wedding

CatteStreet · 10/10/2019 20:52

*massively against the grain. FFS.

Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 20:53

Wow. Didn't expect such a response..

Seems I'm being unreasonable then..

I guess my main 'excuses' as some of you are saying is money - I just won't have any disposable income and air bnb's aren't cheap - the one I booked a whole year before the wedding (free cancellation) is costing over £300 for 2 nights. And again, a train isn't actually that cheap. I think it's a lot of money for someone who will just about have enough to cover bills?

Flying - I'm a nervous flyer anyway and quite an anxious and stressed person.

Leaving baby - it's my first baby, I don't know how I will be but I don't think I could leave my baby without me overnight that young.

Maybe I am being 'precious' but then this is also my first baby and I'm not sure what to expect really. I'm the first of my friends to have one so I don't even really know what to expect at all..

Hen do - The nightclubs here are rammed.. I've been out before and 2 men have been fighting and (without even knowing them) I've ended up being punched in the stomach. I know for a fact that at least 2 clubs in the area refuse entry for pregnant women for their own health and safety reasons. I haven't said I won't go or she has to change her plans, I've said I will only go to what parts I think are reasonable, like I'm more than happy to go for a meal and a quiet(ish) cocktail bar, but I refuse to party in fever where the floors are full of spilt alcohol and are slippy.. I just don't want to risk that. Especially since I've lost a baby before..

OP posts:
MutedUser · 10/10/2019 20:54

The OP has a previous post about not getting access to her DC so not sure if this is her first baby.

Someonesayroadtrip · 10/10/2019 20:54

Sorry, why can't you drive or fly? My husbands family live north Scotland and my family live South Wales. It's about 10 hours drive time. I have drive back and forth since babies have been 3/4 weeks. Actually way easier with a baby than say a toddler. So I'm confused as to why you can't?

Tippety · 10/10/2019 20:54

It's understandable you don't find the idea of the hen do very appealing, I wouldn't either when I was pregnant. However could you have still arranged something? Maybe a meal first and then night out, the meal would have suited you anyway and as another poster has said, at least it's not as bad as basically saying I'll go if I don't have to do anything even though I said I would, and only if the plans revolve around me. Flying is easier with a small baby then when they learn they can grumble, flail, grab amongst other things. It would have been sufficient to say you understand her side but sending an email is a bit savage. I don't blame her for being upset.

boredboredboredboredbored · 10/10/2019 20:55

Yabu!!!!!

ArtichokeAardvark · 10/10/2019 20:56

I had this with a 4 week old, also my first baby. He was due 1st April, they got married on 25th.

I skipped the hen (big weekend in Brighton when I would have been 8 months pregnant) and backed out of being a bridesmaid. I definitely went to the wedding though - she's one of my best friends and it didn't occur to me not to go! She was also really understanding and pleased I was still coming, and asked me to do a reading instead if I couldn't be bridesmaid.

I do appreciate that the idea of travelling with a newborn is daunting, but it is doable. I assume your partner would be going too? So you can manage between you.

TheTrollFairy · 10/10/2019 20:56

I guess my main 'excuses' as some of you are saying is money
So save up or pay it off before mat leave?

user1471449295 · 10/10/2019 20:56

Yabu and precious. Why is it unfair to make that car journey with your baby? Tbh it sounds like you just don’t want to go and have found what you seem to be a great excuse. I would also be very upset if o was your friend. Sack the hen do off, absolutely. But your best friends wedding? She would probably have difficulty moving past that.

doublebarrellednurse · 10/10/2019 20:58

I guess my main 'excuses' as some of you are saying is money - I just won't have any disposable income and air bnb's aren't cheap - the one I booked a whole year before the wedding (free cancellation) is costing over £300 for 2 nights. And again, a train isn't actually that cheap. I think it's a lot of money for someone who will just about have enough to cover bills?

You have from now to June to save though, that's 9 months! Put some away whilst you're working.
*
Flying - I'm a nervous flyer anyway and quite an anxious and stressed person.*

Drive. Regular stops and stretches.
Train. Can move around freely.
*
Leaving baby - it's my first baby, I don't know how I will be but I don't think I could leave my baby without me overnight that young. *

Take them with you?

Maybe I am being 'precious' but then this is also my first baby and I'm not sure what to expect really. I'm the first of my friends to have one so I don't even really know what to expect at all..*

You have literally 10s of people whole have multiple children telling you you'll be fine. If it makes you feel better my son was 3 months when we did a 17 hour flight. We drove 6 hours every 6 weeks for years just to see our nearest family. He's not died or grown a second head or anything.

Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 20:58

@muteduser that post was from my DP about his child. I've lost babies before during pregnancy, this will be MY first child. Hope that clears up your confusion there.

OP posts:
WickedLemon · 10/10/2019 20:59

Interesting @HappyMondayKidz you have another thread about access to your DC... but now you’re claiming this baby is your first child???Hmm

doublebarrellednurse · 10/10/2019 20:59

The OP has a previous post about not getting access to her DC so not sure if this is her first baby.

🤔

Wattagoose90 · 10/10/2019 21:00

So I went to my best friend's hen do at 39 weeks pregnant. It was far from ideal, a couple of hours away from the hospital we were planning to have the baby at and I was dreading having to spend a weekend watching everyone else drinking. Turns out I had a great time, I'm so glad I went.

The wedding is a tough one. The amount of anxiety I'd have in the same situation travelling by car for 8 hours would be unreal, so I totally understand why you'd worry. At a few weeks, it's likely you'll still have a very sleepy baby which should hopefully make the journey easier. Advice re babies and car seats all say that you shouldn't let your baby spend more than two hours in a car seat at a time, so you'd need lots of breaks and your journey would likely be more than 8 hours (not to mention traffic). Then it gets more complicated if you're bottle feeding what with having to sterilise and make up bottles etc. A lot of the same applies to flying and trains, I'm actually feeling anxious on your behalf just thinking about it all! The more I think about it, the more I see it from your perspective.

If it were for any other reason, I'd be backing you 100% in your choice not to go to the wedding, but this is your best friend. It's super inconvenient but not at all ideal, but have a real think about the implications of missing it. It's not a time you can get back and it sounds like a friendship you wouldn't want to lose. If you decide you really can't make the journey, making it up to her is going to be a tough one too, nothing you can buy can really compete with having you there.

Kahlua4me · 10/10/2019 21:00

Could you and your dh treat this as a holiday and spend more time travelling each way. Then you are not in the car too long each day, will see some lovely parts of uk and the cost won’t seem as bad if it is your main holiday. As others have said, babies are very portable and the change of scenery may be good for you too.

I would do everything I could to be at my best friends wedding if I was you.

MutedUser · 10/10/2019 21:01

@HappyMondayKidz that makes sense

sallievp · 10/10/2019 21:02

I wouldn't miss it...I flew to India by myself with my 2 month old...it was fine!

QueenEnid · 10/10/2019 21:02

OP I don't understand why you're saying you don't have the money? You already knew where the wedding would be and that you would need to stay up there and get transport. None of those costs will change with having a baby.

Your baby won't need to be without you overnight?? Take the baby to the wedding. I'm sure your friend won't be expecting you not to have your baby with you.

I think you're overthinking things x

Newmumatlast · 10/10/2019 21:02

I wouldnt miss my best friend's wedding when baby is 3 months- that is old enough to take baby with you on airplane or to leave with Dad and attend yourself. You could go the evening before and get back in good time after the wedding the morning after. Baby would be fine.

TheTrollFairy · 10/10/2019 21:03

@MutedUser I search after you said that.
The post was on the dadsnet big (I didn’t know it existed).
It’s all very odd and the OP says pregnant with their first child Confused

Tistheseason17 · 10/10/2019 21:03

I would not be offended if I was the bride.
I also would not be travelling with such a young baby - there is lots of updated guidance about car seats and bouncers regarding lenght of time in them - it's much less than it used to be. I can understand your hesitance and anxiety as you have lost a baby - sorry for your loss.

I think she is just really disappointed. This did happen with one of my bridesmaids and it was disappointing but a baby is pretty important compared to a wedding. She can get over this - I did.

However, we are no longer friends but not because of this - she hijacked my very expensive wedding photographer to take baby photos at my wedding and then logged into my wedding photos website before me and bought her baby pics....

TheTrollFairy · 10/10/2019 21:03

Missed the update before I posted this^

WatchoutfortheROUS · 10/10/2019 21:04

Oh dear OP. This will likely be the end of your friendship. I understand why she is so upset. You could go if you really wanted to (your baby will be a couple of months old I'm not seeing the issue), but you clearly don't, and that must be very upsetting for her to realise if she thought you were close enough that she asked you to be her maid of honour. I feel very sorry for her.

EC22 · 10/10/2019 21:04

I wouldn’t miss my best friends wedding. I understand her disappointment.
I think you’ve been too hasty saying you won’t be there.

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