Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

I was a week off my due date & suffering from crippling spd . We got the ferry to Ireland travelling from London 5/6 hrs journey to the venue at the other end. Whilst suffering awful morning sickness throughout. So if she was actually your best friend. As other have said you would move heaven & earth to attend. This is an extremely lame excuse , some women have to go back to work after 3 months. I really can’t fathom people logic nowadays..

your baby would be fine travelling remember they fit in with your life all it would need is food and you, I went on holiday when my first born was 2 weeks old, having said that I think your friend is being un reasonable the costs will be huge to you and as you say on maternity leave, I wouldn't be going on the hen do either for lots of reasons and that's your choice not hers, people spend too much on weddings and the before and after parties plus the day all at a cost to guests, I have a friend who is going to two next year and will have to forgo her family holiday to cover the weddings which isn't fair on her kids or partner but it's her choice, don't be pushed into doing something you don't want, if she is a good friend then she would see your side and not bombard you with what she would do for you, she isn't the one pregnant, look forward to having your baby it will knock spots off any wedding, weddings can be hard work and costly and over in a flash!!!

OP I would also be gutted in your friend’s shoes.

I'd probably forgo any extreme hen night(s) if heavily pregnant. However babies are massively resilient - As long as they're regularly fed, changed and warm, they'll go where you go! Personally I wouldn't travel by car for 8 hours just after having a baby but that's down to the resilience of the mother and whatever interventions may have been necessary during birth!

I think you're (naturally) being a mother of a first born and overthinking it. Look at it this way - A lovely hen night dinner celebration, not too far from where you live and, where you can kick off the hen celebrations, might go down well with the Bride. Get someone else to manage the logistics of any other crazy hen nights around the country that you've organised !

Perhaps she's thinking you're just bailing on everything. If she was my bestie I'd do everything to be there on the day. Best friend's newborn + bride and groom in wedding some of the wedding day shots!

Hope you have a wonderful birth and your mate has a great wedding day.

YABU!

I travelled from the south to the Scottish Borders for a family wedding with an 11 wk old and our 3.5 year old. We hired a camper as baby fed every 90mins round the clock and 3.5 yr old not reliably potty trained. It was a bit of a mare tbh. Not for the feint hearted but I wouldn’t have missed it. I do that only for my siblings or very best friend tho.

With my first I travelked to go to a friend’s wedding with our colicky 8 week old. The sleeping was interesting as the baby didn’t... but it was fine as events with babies go. I did it because the friend was very prickly about me declining on account of my new baby ‘its just a baby just bring it along etc’. So I did. Interestingly she had a baby 3 yrs later and had a stressful time, barely left the house for 3 months, and when I went to visit, fair play to her, she ‘before we say hello can I just say first: I now realise how much effort you went to to come to my wedding, I don’t know how you did it.’ Which I thought was really nice of her and meant a lot.

I think the short answer is it depends on your birth and baby as to whether you can manage it. I suspect the diplomatic thing is to plan to go but abdicate your MOH role incase you cannot go. But make all the right noises about provisional bookings because she probably thinks that at the first hint of an excuse you have bailed.

I couldn’t put my baby down until he was 3 months old, he spent the first 5 weeks in the intensive care / special care unit and then screamed and screamed and screamed when he came home. It was debilitating. We hadn’t slept for months. There’s no way on earth I would have taken him to a wedding.

If she was my best friend though I’d have left the baby with his dad (although I was bottle feeding) and made the effort, even if i just stayed the one night and left early. I couldn’t have left our baby with anyone else. Or take them both with you but go to the wedding alone.

All that said everyone we knew knew full well we’d been through hell so I would presume they would be sympathetic.

I went to all sorts of nights out when I was preggers (up until it all went to shit) I quite enjoyed being sober and driving! Clubbing is enjoyable when everyone else is drunk and you’re not haha.

I love these threads.

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: yes, massively so
OP: No I'm not! strops off

I would have demoted myself from MOH but still attended on the proviso my baby was healthy and I hadn’t had a c section. I get that it’s your first but I feel if she is your best friend just cancelling completely is a bit precious of you. If I was able to go to her hen do without putting my pregnancy at risk I’d still suck it up and go.... I would apologise to her say you’ve thought about it and of course if all goes well you’ll be there

I flew UK to Indonesia, with a 3 month old and a three year old, Scotland should be doable

Omg poor you Op what a hard time you are getting on here !
Seriously there is more to being a friend that attending their wedding . You’ve clearly given reasons why you don’t feel you can go . Spending £ on weekends away when on mat leave is a big deal . Also I understand the anxiety around flying. You know if it was the bride posting here the girl would probably be told she was being a bridzilla !
You can’t win them all OP . I know I’ve had to turn down various invites as I live abroad and i get the guilt trip but you don’t see too much coming the other way .
Arrange a day out with ur pal .. say a spa day prior to her hen. That would be special and just you both . Good luck with your pregnancy 🌷

I completely agree that you can’t go clubbing etc when heavily pregnant but to my calculations the baby will be about 3 months old and I don’t think that it would be awful to take the baby by plane or car to Scotland. Many people fly far further than that with babies (I’m assuming it’s only an hour or two flight). Also by car you can make lots of comfort stops even doing the trip over two days and staying off somewhere the first night. Babies are more resilient than you think. Not great for them to be in a car seat for a prolonged amount of time so like I said many comfort stops and I’m sure you’ll all be fine xx

I also love all of the I flew to Outer Mongolia 2 hours after giving birth responses. Everyone and every baby is different. I took my 6 month old to a christening last weekend and he cried from Noon to 5pm. I just don’t care so much now but I’d have been stressed and mortified a few months ago.

You should be fine, you have many supporters here anyways

You are being fair and reasonable

She doesn't have a clue about pregnancy and new babies

It's not safe or practical to do such a long journey with such a tiny baby. Baby's should be in car seat 2 hours max, although in reality that's a long time if they wake up mid-journey! You'd need a lie flat car seat for anything longer, but even with that I wouldn't dream of an 8 hour plus journey!

You will have a 2 month old baby
Might still be sore bleeding dripping breadt milk tired overwhelmed emotional and knackered
The most important is new baby and you
If she cared she would be voncerned for your health and baby
Tell her to get stuffed
Enjoy your baby
You have to focus on being a new mum and it is not like a soap opera

I took DS1 to New Zealand from London when he was 3 months old. It was fine-ish. 14 hours to Singapore, then 9 hours to Mebourne then 4 to New Zealand - in one go.

Not sure i would do it again but it was to attend my sister's wedding and I was on my own.

Its quite easy when they are small and non-mobile. It was more difficult at 18 months (same route) when he could walk (and was non-verbal).

I think you are understandibly anxious, but probably over thinking it.

To be brutally honest and I apologise for what I am about to say but sometimes you have to hear some honesty... sometimes people can be slightly ‘precious’ when it’s their first baby. You can travel with a newborn, if you take your time stopping on the way to the wedding or take a newborn on the flight (easier that age than a crawling baby or toddler). Sitting in the back
Of the car with baby will be a less stressful journey. I know this is very special for you but you can’t just pull out of all your friends plans because they don’t fit into yours now. It’s harsh I know, but you have no idea how you will react when baby is here but you should try to just roll with it. nothing is perfect and sometimes other things are important. Don’t get me wrong not above your new baby but possibly your expectations need to change a little. Try not to fall out over this, it’s her arrangements yes but is there a compromise you can reach with your expectations?

Well everyone has a different opinion, so you should go with your own choice and instinct. It a wedding you only need the bride and groom, if your planning to hold it far away then you have to accept that some people won’t want to travel.
For what it is worth I wouldn’t have entertained taking my new born but heh everyone is different.

What is it with people, "I have a new baby I cant do anything" poor baby. Sort your stuff and be there for your BEST friend. A couple of exhausting days, you'll recover soon enough. Life goes on......…..

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: yes, massively so
OP: No I'm not! strops off

Clearly you haven't read the whole thread because there have been plenty of posters, including me, you doesn't think the OP is BU.

What is it with people, "I have a new baby I cant do anything" poor baby.

What is it with people thinking weddings trump everything and that all babies are the same?

YANBU.
Being pregnant or a mum with a tiny baby is the best excuse for not having to attend pointless hen parties, fancy weddings etc. Make use of it.

These days, I usually just say thanks for asking but I’m busy that day and decline the invite.

I genuinely don’t understand what everyone sees in these events?
It’s a total waste of time and money for everyone but the couple and their immediate family.

yanbu

Did everyone miss the fact you are going to be skint on maternity leave and going on your own as partner couldn't come??

Hope all goes well x