Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

Put the baby in a sling.

Fine for some. But not if you're 4 foot 11 and 6 stone and give birth to a 12lb baby who's about a mile long. To coin a MN phrase, slings didn't work for me.

Also can't believe the 'devastated', 'gutted' etc comments. If you would be devastated about a friend missing your wedding, what word would you use to describe something that actually mattered?

not going out clubbing seems reasonable but not attending her wedding is not great tbh. If she is an important friend and you were intending to go before you found out about your pregnancy then I really don't see why you can't go.
As many people have said getting a train or a very short flight with a two or three month old baby is really no big deal. Frankly you sound a bit precious and I would also be annoyed if I was your friend.

People have been so mean!

Op you don't have to go and don't feel guilty either! Having a baby is s massive thing and not everyone has this stress free blissful first 8 weeks! I had bleeding for 8 weeks, had separated abdominal muscles so literally couldn't walk without a corset to hold my tummy together, struggled with breastfeeding, was sleep deprived and just adjusting to a new life! I would have felt the same as Op.

don't feel bad Op x x good luck with pregnancy x

Its too bad this is causing a rift. Having a baby doesn't mean you stop living your life. Strap the baby to your front, get on a plane or a train and go. You were asked to be the MOH. That means something to the bride. Maybe less to you.

I would plan to be at the wedding. If you have any problems with the baby you can pull out, but there are many ways to make the wedding work.
I did miss a wedding after I had my third as it was when the baby was 4 weeks, not yet feeding well, and I was recovering from surgery. Everyone understood.

The OP just sounds selfish, uncaring about her friend and dragging up every excuse possible. I don't think the friend's message was shitty either, but probably deserved. The friend is upset she's being let down. You're entitled to let her down, she's entitled to be upset. It doesn't sound like the friendship will last, you don't sound like you'd be bothered.

A bit of a mixed response on here, you are obviously feeling all sorts of emotion ATM, and probably wondered if you could actually pull it off for her. By the same token your friend will also be emotional, and may have wanted to see your Baby. Either way, with or without the baby, by June you should be fit enough to climb Nen Nevis. YABU, Be with her on that special day.

I don't see why you can't go to the wedding.

I flew to my sisters wedding with my 8 week old (post c section).

Babies are easy to travel with especially if you breastfeed.

However after my second I travelled on a train as the only adult, 2 changes, 6 hours, with a 1 year old and a 6 week old, to visit family for Christmas. No problems.

YANBU. Different people have different standards for how they treat their children but little babies hate travel, especially flying (they can’t clear their ears so it hurts) and I personally would not fly with a young baby unless in emergency.

As for the long drive, little babies aren’t supposed to spend more than 1hr in a carseat at a time as it’s bad for spinal development. Also, again, babies hate travel.

She’s asking you to put her feelings ahead of those of your baby. How selfish.

Even if your baby was fine, you don’t know what state you will be in post-birth but certainly you are likely to be very tired and feeling hormonal and not feeling like travel.

If she is actually your best friend then she should have some interest in you and your baby’s needs.

Congratulations by the way. Children are so much more fun than anyone tells you...

No hen do. that won't be fun. My best friend flew from the US with a 6 week old. It is doable. She stood up at my wedding with her. It was not easy but possible. There was another mum attending with a 7 week old. Both breastfeeding. Just make sure your friend understands that you won't be leaving your baby and that there is a possibility of the baby crying (very possible). if she is relaxed than go for it. One of my friends travelled the world with a newborn. Anything is possible. or not. you decide.

I don't think yabu I wouldn't have travelled that far with a newborn either. She needs to get over it.

Agree with most posters here - my husband and I took 6 week old twins on a 5 hour csr journey to a ferry and then an overnight ferry of like 14 hours to see my parents who were in another country and managed just fine and that was with twins!!! As a bonus on the way back 3 weeks later they did their first all nighter..... fed them at 11pm and they didn't wake up until 6am..... and stayed that way from then on in. Also a friend of mine had a baby at the end of March and still came to my wedding (90 mile drive) and stayed over night - left the baby with her Mum and was in fact jumping for joy at the thought of getting away for a weekend. I'd be like that.... lots of things will happen in your life after baby comes along and you'll just have to get on with it. Life can't stop because you've had a baby and yes they are v v portable when they're young.

I think your being a little bit unfair tbh as your currently pregnant and she’s not getting married until next year 🤷🏻‍♀️ To me it sounds like your making excuses up not to go. I have been friends with my best friend for 12 years she got married last year I was her maid of honor and she got married a month after I had my first baby in Greece and I made sure I went! You can’t use having a new born baby as an excuse not to go. Also why have you already discussed it with her? Why wouldn’t you have try to figure something out instead of giving her your final decision. If you was my friend I would be very hurt and upset if u made the decision without even thinking properly about it first. Instead of writing on here you should try and discuss your issues with your friend instead of basically bad mouthing her online because she’s disappointed in you! Your not a very good best friend in my eyes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Finally I see that some people have come and posted some. Sense. A wedding is a way smaller event than a new. Baby. It's just getting dressed up and having a party. No hormones, birth, physical changes..... Etc. 2 months is not long after birth for a first baby and all of you who went on safari or similar when you baby was a week old or whatever other nonsense..... Bully for you but you were thinking of yourself not tour baby. The OP is putting her new baby's needs over her best friends wedding. Good.

Newborns are pretty easy and portable

Yeah, MN is full of posts about how easy newborns are.

Honestly... You're being unreasonable not attending her wedding.
Like someone said, babies travel just fine, specially at such a young age.
Of course you can't know that because you haven't got a baby. But I'm telling you... If I were you I'd go on an awesome first road trip and I'd take lots of photos. You're not going to have the opportunity of doing that when your baby gets a bit older. When they're around 1yo they get very impacient and hate being in the car sit. My son Zion is now one and half and he OPENS de belt. Teresa is 6 and hates being in the car and after 30 minutes she starts complaining and won't stop till we get wherever we're going. Your baby will sleep quietly and you'll enjoy every minute of it, including you bf wedding!

Wow I dunno if I had my baby so recently that I am more empathic to the OP or if everyone else is nuts. OP could be recovering for a section, could have terrible reconstructive surgery on her lady bits. Could end up with a baby with colic and sleeping 2 hours a night. So yea, really selfish thay the OP might be worried about an 8 hour trip, with her first baby and no idea what kind of labour she might have or even if the baby might be late (2 weeks is very common with new mothers). I was 2 weeks late and baby was in hospital for a week after that with my first. Nobody who loves me in my family in Scotland would dream of expecting me to travel there after having my first baby within the first few weeks post delivery, and a loving and compassionate friend would more than understand.

The hen do part however I would attend, even if it was a bore whilst sober, even with my 11lb son who tore my insides apart, I would have made that effort for a loved one.

Yes that's a fair point if you drove you would have to stop every hour under current guidelines so not really an option to drive unless you buy one of those lie flat car seats £300 I think.

You should plan to go to both but not do MOH. Go for an hour or 2 to hen do (you can always pull out if pregnancy is weighing you down - she should understand that!). And if you need to pull out of wedding you can do that too. But definately work on premise that it’s all possible!

I would make the effort to go to the wedding and travel by train. Assuming you have a straight forward pregnancy and birth you should be fine at 8 weeks for a one off event.

I’d go to the wedding. It’s easy enough travelling with a 2 month old. I’d definitely not miss my best friends wedding. I get not wanting to go to the hen do though.

I understand that it seems daunting this side of the birth but honestly, I think you’ll be grand. My best friend got married when my son (first and only) was about 10 weeks old, so similar age.

If I were you, I’d plan to travel by car with your partner driving if you have one and he is invited. You can then easily tend to your baby’s needs. It probably seems daunting staying overnight somewhere but at that age, most babies are so utterly focused on eating, sleeping and pooing that they will do it anywhere, pretty much. Yes, you’ll have to pack a load of equipment but I’d say that’s the most tiresome part. Everything else will be ok.

It’s up to you of course. But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go and honestly, it will be fine.

My only caveat to this would be if she makes noises around you needing to leave the baby with someone else for most of the day as SHE needs you. Some brides do want this level of undivided attention and you def won’t be able to give her that.

I’d totally can off the hen dos. Nothing to do with drinking. They’re just not fun when you’re canal boat sized.

Good luck.

No, YANBU, but all the people criticising you in this thread are.

If I was your friend I'd never forgive you for missing my wedding.

Hen do fine but wedding, no way.

My DC are much older now but I'd never have missed such an important occasion when they were babies.

There's lots of things I couldn't do when they were really young but attending a good friends wedding wouldn't be one of them. I think you'll look back and really regret not going to be honest