Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

You don't even need to feel bad she should understand your early stages of pregnancy is quite critical and if she was your best friend she will understand that there is nothing more important then you and baby health

My best friend will be getting married only a few months after my little one is born. I wouldn't miss her wedding for the world.

YANBU. Princess Bridezilla is being a selfish dick.

You’re about to become a mum.

With so many child free weddings these days, how refreshing in some ways to see a bride demanding inclusion.

I reckon your body, your child trumps her wedding ceremony and her hen do.

She’ll only realise what a twat she was to you when she is pregnant and having a child herself.

Let it blow over. I’m not sure she’s accepting of your life change so you’d probably have drifted apart anyway.

Is she normally so selfish??

I’m afraid I think the wedding should be doable. I know it might feel daunting thinking about it now but it can definitely be done. If I were you, I’d try to make the wedding and perhaps miss the hen do.
I think you’ll really regret it xxx

I took my dd1 to a very good friend's wedding in Scotland when she was four months old. It didn't occur to me for a moment not to.

We flew and it was her first time on a plane and she screamed for the full entirety of the flight. She screamed throughout the ceremony so my husband had to stand outside in the wind and the rain with her. She screamed through the dances and the speeches. She finally fell asleep during dinner. On my lap. So I couldn't move for the whole thing. My husband and I spent no time together because we were just wrangling her. She kept us up all night in the hotel room. The whole thing was a blur. Don't remember who was there or who I spoke to. All I can remember is my baby crying.

But I would do it all over again rather than miss my friend's wedding.

Can I ask why you’re going on maternity leave so long before your due date if money is tight?

I took my son to legoland for his birthday with a 2 week old! Babies only hinder you if you let them. I'm not surprised your friend is upset! Why don't you travel up halfway and stay in a travelodge then complete the journey the next day?

Exact situation happened for us, except ours was our second. I went to my best friends wedding!!!! I barely even saw baby as every grandma and broody friend was having cuddles. Go to the wedding.

Your choice obviously, but I do think you are being unreasonable not attending the wedding. I don’t even think it’s unreasonable to step down from bridesmaid duty, but it is shitty to not attend at all. Not going to the hen do is completely understandable though.

Your baby will be a minimum of 8 weeks old, that’s not newborn. I flew with both of mine much earlier than that with no problems (family in Scotland and we live in SE).

Tsk...tsk..of course YABU, don’t you know that you should not marry, have a baby or even die once you have been named maid of honour?

Frankly, I wouldn’t mind travelling to the wedding with a young baby BUT I would resent enormously having to be organising hen nights and rushing around while heavily pregnant.

There are two separate issues here: whether it's easy to travel with an 8-month-old baby, and whether your alleged "PFB-ness" is going to destroy your friendship with the bride.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all not to want to travel with a baby that age. It could be easy as pie, it could be a nightmare. My DC screamed and breastfed constantly at that age. I was tired, brain-fogged and found just getting through the day at home hard enough, let alone travelling.

I think your friend is being unreasonable, like many posters on here, by guilt-tripping you. "If it were my best friend" "wouldn't miss a wedding" "are you really her BF?" Are you all 14 years old? I'd be sad to miss my friend's wedding. If I were the bride, I'd be sad my friend couldn't be there. But I wouldn't expect her to drag herself along to my "special day" when she might be exhausted, at a time when her baby and her own well-being have to come first.

YABU. I'd be devastated if my best friend didn't come to my wedding! She's just upset, understandably. Newborn babies are totally portable and I would use a sling and fly, it really won't be very stressful - much less stressful than when they're toddlers! The hen do, I understand, I still went to my friend's hen do pregnant but I didn't really enjoy it, I would do it for a best friend or family but it's more understandable. I'd really rethink your plan about the wedding - it's totally doable!

Erm, I would be upset too if I were her!! The hen do is understandable but not going to the wedding is just a bit rubbish to be honest.

If your friend won’t even reply to your messages or have an adult conversation with you about your concerns & fears as a first time Mummy (& knowing what you have been through) then I think you are making the right decision. Yes you could travel with an 8 week old baby, god willing that all is well (& I’m sure you it will be) & yes you could probably find the money. The point is, you don’t know & you have tried to manage expectations now rather than last minute. I think her reaction would seal my decision. I can understand she is disappointed but if she was a real friend she would have talked it through with you, not gone NC. Let her sulk & if she makes contact, talk it through. If she doesn’t make contact, focus on your family, minimising any stress in your life & your real friends.

I was in a similarish position except my baby was three weeks old, 5lbs, had spent a week in neonatal unit and I had no mother to help. I was also trying to establish breastfeeding. It was four hours away in heavy snow and my DH said he wouldn’t go as it was madness. My friend never forgave me citing a friend who had a baby the same time as me who brought her mother to look after the baby in the hotel. You don’t seem to be making an effort though when you say in advance you are not going. I wanted to but just couldn’t an I was still not forgiven. Weddings are a huge deal to people

To be honest you do not sound like a nice person after your reply, so maybe she’s better off without you

You would probably be able to go on the hen doo if your having a healthy pregnancy, my friend cane on two and just didn’t go out on the night. I think you’d be fine to travel with a baby, as long as baby comes on time and there are no issues.... I’d be wary about making any kind of plans whilst pregnant as my second came 9 weeks early and so if I’d have been planning to travel far for a wedding I wouldnt have been above to go

YABU, nothing wrong with travelling or flying with small baby. She is your best friend!!!! We lived in the south and in laws in Scotland, no problem with first baby at 4weeks old & 11hr drive. Deal with it!

I personally would be Annoyed if one of my best friends said they couldn’t come to my wedding. Scotland isn’t miles away and the baby will be 3months I don’t see the problem with getting on a plane it’s not like it’s miles away !!

YANBU!

Wonderful that so many of you had dream babies who travelled well.

My baby didn’t thrive, Ds had severe reflux. Only diagnosed in hospital, at 3 months, after weeks of hell! I couldn’t imagine travelling with him at this stage.

I also suffered with PND. I thought my life was in tatters. Absolutely awful time!

If I’d gone on to have dc number 2 and I’d been in the OP’s position, I would have done exactly the same thing. I wouldn’t have wanted to commit to something so important, even after 8 weeks.

Just giving another perspective on this.

To take the pressure off, OP, I would maybe suggest you couldn’t commit to being MOH but if everything went well you would try your hardest to be there for her wedding.

Ignore the posters saying you should go, your baby will be a little over 2 months at the wedding. Babies should not fly until at least 3 months. They can easily burst their eardrums, they are not able to equalise the pressure before then. Google it, dont risk your babies health.

I’d be a bit pissed off as well although perhaps that is unreasonable.. She’s probably been dreaming of this day her entire life and she’s clearly disappointed that you won’t be there!

The baby will grow up, and then it will be nice for you to actually still have a best friend..

Hi OP, congrats on your pregnancy! I am in a sort of similar situation as i'm my sisters MOH next year - her Hen do is 2.5 weeks after my due date, her wedding is in Spain (we are in UK) 2.5 months after my due date. In my head I cannot see myself going on the Hen, if I go overdue (likely - this is my first baby) i'll potentially have a newborn who is only days old. But, i've just said i'll try my very best to be on the Hen, and ensured I'm not signed up for any activities that need to be paid for in advance so I don't lose any £. I'm still taking an active role in planning it, along with her best mate. My sister is grateful weddings make lots of people (namely brides) lose sight of reality, I know if this was me telling my sister about this if I I was planning to do for someone else she'd be saying "just say your'e not going!" but instead of saying "no, you don't need to be at my Hen you'll be new mum" she just said thank you. Could you go back and just say you'll try your very best to be on the Hen? Then see how you feel nearer the time? At least it shows you are putting her feelings first.

Do you have any support in the form of someone you could bring to the wedding to help care for your baby? Even if they're not an actual guest? My bridesmaid had a 4 week old and I invited her parents (who were not on the original list) who helped her and her partner a great deal on the day, then went up to the room with the baby after the meal. I know not everybody has this, but it could be worth asking if you could bring an +1 as an extra pair of hands? Appreciate this is a silly thing to ask if realistically you cannot see yourself going to Scotland at all. Good luck with everything x

I think you could make it work, easily! A roughly 8 week old is easy to travel with. We’ve just driven Aberdeen to Manchester 6.5hrs with a 7month old 🤷🏻‍♀️. Why you’d not want to make the effort to be at your best friends wedding is beyond me..is there more to this? As for the hen do, be there for whatever is decided and suck it up and leave early, she’ll understand