Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

We travelled to Ireland with a 6 wk old. They are very portable at that age. You just have to go slowly!

Although I agree does depend on baby and how you’re feeling.

YADNBU Do what is right for you

I think you would be fine on the plane. However, it is up to you. I understand with it being your first mum's get nervous about newborns and how they will cope but honestly the baby will be two months? So, you should be able to have got used to being a mum a bit and I assume your partner would be there to help? But you don't have to make excuses for your decision if you don't go. Does she have kids? I find people without kids have no clue the amount of organising it takes to travel with them.

I was bridesmaid for my best friend when my son was 6 weeks old. It was a 5 hour drive. I also Organised her hen weekend and was out with them all till 4 in the morning. I suffered yes but worth it to be there for her. (Wasn’t my first however). I think everyone needs to do what is right for them but I can totally understand why she is upset. There is long enough between the baby striving and the wedding in my opinion.
I once attended a very good friends wedding when my second child was less than 48 hours old. I only made the sit down but (are and ran) but she meant a lot to me so I wouldn’t have missed it.

Cost I completely understand. If you can’t afford it due to maternity pay that’s fine. However, there is no reason that a healthy baby cannot go on an hour’s flight to Scotland. I have been on flights where small babies are travelling to the other side of the World - many have no choice if they want to see their families.

Seriously, what is it with people and their frickin' weddings?? Just get married, why put the guilt on people if they can't come. As far as I'm concerned, they're a complete waste of money. Special day, my arse.

I was a bridesmaid to my sister in law's wedding....it was the NEXT day after giving birth to my FB. I was 18. Yes it was hard work and I only attended the day and wedding breakfast but, totally doable if you want to!

She’s being unreasonable & a “bridezilla”!
There’s no way I would have gone to Scotland with a newborn for a wedding & who would look after baby during the service? She’s obviously not had a baby otherwise she’d totally get it.

You are being completely unreasonable and precious! Yes I understand this is your first baby but it’s not like the wedding is the same week or even month! The baby will be 8 weeks plus and more than fine on a plane, train or car! I travelled solo to Scotland with a 2.5month old and she slept the whole way on the plane and the car journey back! I would never forgive my best friend if she had missed my wedding day where I wanted her to play such a huge part because she was too concerned over the journey! Miss the hen do if anything!

FFS - I took mine to India at 5 weeks - babies are very portable, it won’t be a day old. You let her down. YABU

Hen do you can afford to miss, wedding you cannot.

She's your best friend and speaking as a mother of 6, travelling with an 8 week old is not the end of the world... you can go by plane, train or car.

I can understand your nerves but I assure you, you will kick yourself for this when you are looking at your lovely baby on your best friends wedding day wondering why you made such a fuss.

Book an air bnb for a few days to a week so you can get properly settled in with all your baby paraphernalia and if you need financial assistance then tell her that is the deciding factor and could she help you with this.

Communication and compromise is the solution.

If you're not prepared to do this it's because you don't value her as much as you think you do.

Yep, sorry OP IMO YABU. If everything goes smoothly with the birth (which I'm sure it will - and congrats of course on your little one) that age, honestly, is the easiest time to travel. We went to two weddings in Scotland and Manchester in our dd's first few months and it was fine - though we cried off a wedding in Austria when she was 4 months as we just couldn't afford it (time or money) - for both we flew actually but train would probably be even easier. I would go. I think you'll really regret it when you're stuck at home watching Netflix and your best friend is tying the knot - also I think it'll affect your friendship - especially if she ever has kids and realises how easy it is to pack 'em up and go ;-)) I wouldn't personally have enjoyed it leaving my litte-un behind that young but loads of people do and it's totally possible if you have parents or siblings that might be up for helping. Good luck. I really hope you're able to work this out - friendships are so valuable.

My ex husband was Scottish and we travelled from Oxfordshire to Edinburgh regularly. One of our sons was 7 weeks old on one occasion. Babies usually sleep on car journeys unless you’re very unlucky. I think you are YABVU.

Bloody hell, you are allowed to say no!

You're being super precious. Take the baby to the wedding! She's your best friend fgs.

You can fly from Bristol to Edinburgh return for £50 in early June next year - and that's without having a decent search for the cheapest possible flights.

I'm not surprised your friend is disappointed. You seem to be looking for excuses rather than for ways to make it possible.

Hate people like you, FAKE!!

I'm probably more her best friend than she is mine

Yet in the tittle of this thread you refer to her as your "best friend". If you have that many friends surely she wouldn't qualify as your best friend, clearly you can't stand her!

She doesn't have many friends and those that she has are generally twice her age or her partners friends

How come you say she is having a couple of hen do's because "A lot of her friends live all over the UK"? Sounds like she does have friends! Does it really matter how old her friends are or if they are her partners friends? You sound jealous of her!

I've got lots of friends and I wouldn't ask her to be my MOH or GM to my child, for example

Strange, isn't she your "best friend"???

You didn't want to go in the first place, you don't like her, you think you are better than her and you are jealous of her! Horrible, nasty person, at least be honest with her and stop pretending you are her friend.

I know you're not posting again, OP, but if you are reading: I agree wholeheartedly with @MintyMabel and @PlasticPatty

A lot of the responses here seem to be a mixture of "I climbed Everest with a toothpick, and my twin babies in slings, and we were all fine", and "my life would be over if my friend missed my wedding". Surely only Year 8 girls have "best friends"? As for all this hen night stuff: oh FFS. Get over it, people. Mumsnet seems to be turning into Hunsnet by the minute.

OP, there is no way I'd have been going anywhere while heavily pregnant with any of my DC. I found it difficult to stand up in the latter stages, never mind go anywhere. And there's no way I was taking them anywhere when they were 8 weeks. It took me a lot longer than 8 weeks to get over the first birth. And even if it hadn't: you need time to just gently "be" with your baby, not flying/training off to sodding Scotland.

I also think it would be quite mad to spend a huge amount of money on this shindig when you're feeling the pinch. What kind of friend would expect that?

If money is the real issue then fair enough, can’t do much about that and it’s a legitimate excuse.
But travelling with a 2 month old baby to the wedding is totally manageable and I think it’s wimping our a bit if that’s your reason for not going. Babies add extra logistics and planning but they aren’t shackles around your ankle!
The journey shouldn’t really be an issue. Thousands manage far more.
I’d be annoyed if I was her as it comes across as not being prepared to make much effort.
Hen do’s are a bit miserable but she is your best friend so I’d maybe endure it!

I had exactly this situation: mate's wedding, miles away 6 weeks after my due date. I ended up being 2 weeks late and having a c section. There was no way I could travel across the country with a reflux-y baby, sore boobs and no sleep and be in any for shape for a wedding so we had a little celebration later on when I felt better. I had planned to go but when the whirlwind of a new baby hit I just didn't think I could. Play it by ear and don't force yourself to be wonder woman.

I’d be gutted if I was your friend too. If you are that close that she asked you to be maid of honour then I believe her when she says she would move heaven and earth to do it for you. A wedding is so much more important than the hen night! Maybe she likes you more than you do her?

I’ve missed many Hens due to being heavily pregnant 4 times! Hens don’t really matter IMO but it would take a lot for me not to go to my besties wedding. I’ve missed both sisters hens as I couldn’t travel as I was so pregnant. I did join them for a meal ahead of big day.

Flying IMO is the easiest option, get a sling and you’re hands free with baby. Flights will be cheaper now. Train is longer but quite pleasant to travel with babies - especially if you upgrade to First. Travel with helpers! I always book a table of 4, regardless of how many are travelling so we have extra space for baby things.

We live in Scotland and repeatedly tell people it is quicker to get to Scotland than crossing central London at times! We are not Australia far away 😆

Get amazon or tesco to deliver baby supplies to your accommodation, then you can travel light. Sling for baby and borrow a buggy up here (or get one off gumtree for the weekend!). There will be no shortages of cuddles for a baby at a wedding!

I’ve co-slept with all of mine which saves travel cot issues. But plenty of hotels have them, just ask!

Go and enjoy your best friends wedding. Apologise for Hen but she should realise it’s not fun to be heavily pregnant watching everyone get pissed - can you join them for a meal??

But at the end of the day, it’s just one day. I’d have been disappointed if my friends couldn’t make my wedding - some did as they already had holiday plans etc But they’re still my friends 12 years after!

I would go to the wedding for sure. Newborns are pretty easy and portable. I travelled with mine since they were tiny, and usually on my own. I didn't have much choice due to family living elsewhere.

Hen doo maybe not but the wedding will be fine. Baby I’m a sling v short flight will be fine!