Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

I can’t even believe you have to ask if YABU, of course you are.

Hen do I wouldn’t go on, I’d take her out for lunch or for some spa treatments or something before.

Wedding, there is no way I’d not go and no reason why you can’t go. You either all go and your DP does as much as they can during the ceremony/ photos whilst you’re needed or you leave baby at home with DP or mother or something and go alone/ just with your DP.

If you’re breastfeeding you should hopefully be able to express enough for a couple of day’s worth of milk. You’ll be able to tell all this once the baby arrives. If you find expressing hard then baby and DP go with you, if you don’t BF at all, happy days.

I’d be so upset if my MOH refused to come to my wedding. Fair enough if nearer the time there’s complications, I’m sure she’d understand but atm your reasons are just excuses.

For a best friend I'd definitely make the effort to go. I'd go by train and book up well in advance for the super cheap tickets. First class might be worth the upgrade if you buy well ahead of time.

I’m with your friend - sorry OP. I’d be devastated if I asked my best friend to be MOH and then she said she couldn’t make the wedding. If you were due to give birth around the wedding day then that’s different (obviously!) - but the baby will be eight weeks! I’d definitely get a train up or fly though rather than driving.

YABU shes supposedly a best friend, so close she asked you to be MOH, but your pregnant now and all her plans mean nothing to you, no wonder shes not talking tro you , and a long detailed explanation of YOUR side wount have helped. You've basically said you dont consider her important enough to even think of putting yourself out now, i agree with her you should want to move heaven and earth to be with a best friend for her wedding , and a newborn is a few days old not a couple of months. i accept plans might have to change for hen nights etc, if you are ill or tired or cant manage it when baby is born if there is a reason, but you turning round now months in advavance basically saying ill only do what suits me because im playing the pregnancy card, instead of saying i wonder what i will have to do to try make sure i'm there.

Don't drive. There's a two-hour rule for driving a baby in a car seat - in case of restricting access to lungs and putting a strain on the spine. If you're going to go fly.

I think you've thought you won't know how you're going to feel having an 8-week old baby at that point and how you'll be coping and thought you'd pre-empt it by warning her you couldn't go rather than do it then. She doesn't see the problem as she doesn't have kids.

Some say they did this with their baby at 4, 6, 10 weeks etc but all babies and circumstances are different. I had a caesarian after a baby 2 weeks late so in your situation the baby would only be 6 weeks. I was so worn out I was having dizzy spells until baby about 3 months old. Apart from that it's copeable. Fly as only a couple of hours. Find a hotel to stay overnight then come home. No point hanging around for days.

Honestly, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The baby will be at least 8 weeks old at that point, they are really portable at that age, so much more so than when they are mobile. A flight to Scotland is what a couple of hours max? Its your best friends wedding, I can understand skipping the hen but to miss the ceremony altogether? I can see why she's upset to be honest.

Look, I get it, it's your first, but don't start pushing people away before you've even had the baby. You never know how much you may need them around when your in the mists or parenting.

It would be just over £100 for a return flight from, for example, London to Glasgow at the start of June. Not free but not particularly expensive. That's for an adult plus infant.

Another here that thinks don't go to the wedding. Having a baby, especially your first, trumps a wedding, which, these days, tend to be overblown, self-indulgent affairs that are eye-wateringly expensive to attend.

You have no idea how the late stages of pregnancy and labour will be, or the recovery or the baby's needs. If she's sulking now, imagine how it would be if you're trying to let your newborn feed and rest, while you feel a state and she's wanting and demanding whatever.

Clearly if op is suffering from after effects of a traumatic c section for example her plans might have to change. The bride is reasonably upset because op has just decided it's all too much effort before the baby has even arrived. I have 4 children and could have attended a wedding (including the flight) within a week of all of them. In fact I did after my first. And very glad I did too as the groom tragically died within the year.

When it comes to it op you might be genuinely ill or have pnd. Or the baby might be ill. But you might just be fine.

Posters should stop saying the baby will be at least 8 weeks old. Isn't it very likely her first born will be over due? Statistically this happens doesn't it.

The way I probably would have done it would have been to tell her that I would see how I felt after the baby but she might want another MOH as if the birth is difficult or the baby is later than expected I might not be able to travel.

If it all goes according to plan your baby will be more portable at 8 weeks than they ever will be again so I think it's slightly unreasonable to rule out travelling completely. But "move heaven and earth" takes on a whole new meaning after you've had a baby so your friend is being a bit melodramatic in her response too.

YABU, I’m with your friend and I’d ignore you too if I were her. You’re supposed to be best friends, she wanted you to be her MOH and you have now decided to pull out because you will have a 2/3 month old baby. At 2/3 months they are no longer newborns, they are quite easily transported and sleep most of the time. A quick flight to London would be easy.

You’re making excuses. I can understand not wanting to go on the hen do but the wedding is an excuse.

Sorry, meant quick flight to Scotland but same shit. It’s not a long haul flight but I have known some people do long haul flights with babies this young and all was fine.

Generally that age is the quietest a child will ever be .

YANBU - I don't get this 'my wedding is the most important day of my life and everything must be perfect' bullshit. You're happy for her and want to celebrate with her, but it's only a wedding. You are making another human and that should totally take priority. A couple of my friends couldn't make my wedding and I couldn't make BiL's wedding due to work. We didn't fall out and are all still talking!

Sorry, that's probably not very helpful, but this precious princess bollocks winds me up.

Do you have disabilities OP? If so then yes you are not being unreasonable. However, if not, then you definitely are - taking a nearly three month old on a short haul internal flight for your best friend’s wedding should not be difficult if you’re healthy.

JFC some of the replies on here!
No you're not being unreasonable. You are putting your family first. You don't know how you'll be feeling at 8 weeks. No way would I have taken my DS that far so soon.

Yes she's disappointed but she could be a bit more understanding of your view and react like an adult.

YABU,At 2/3 months they are no longer newborns, they are quite easily transported and sleep most of the time. A quick flight to London would be easy

Ha!!! Worra load of bollocks, sorry
Every baby's different, bully for you if you had a portable one that you make sound could just carry around in your handbag and sleeps all the time.
I've two kids - the first there'd have been not a chance I'd have been up to going anyway, as he was a 'mare for sleeping, and was pretty hard going as a baby/colicky etc.
Second, yes as slept more and was more placid.
You're being even more U than the OP's mate with your even worse attitude lol

I took my 3 week old daughter to a wedding. She slept all day.

I agree with the majority: step down from moh, miss hen do, but attend the wedding.

I would suggest a compromise.

Step down from MOH duties or any part in the bridal party itself. Just in case the birth has complications which mean you are physically unable to travel.

Plan to go to the wedding as a regular guest.

That way you don't cause a massive gap in the bridal party if an emergency stops you going, you won't have the pressure of being MOH while nursing a 10 week old. But you will still be there and part of the day.

Less pressure around the event will make everything easier.

And the drive will be fine - just take it slowly. We took our 8-week old on a 10-hour drive across the USA and while it wasn't completely relaxing for me it wasn't the huge hassle I was expecting.

This story just came up as “news” on my phone - apparently this is worth a story in the Daily Mirror now. I’d love to get paid for copying this crap into newspapers!

You're going to have a baby, everything in your world is going to change. Right now, you totally have the right to feel that you can't go at all.
Being called selfish and unreasonable for willing to take care of you and your newborn.. seriously, people are so dumb..
You got comment from people who don't know a thing about being a parent or from people who manage just fin but think everybody should be able to do the same and shame them if they don't.
8 hours drive is really bad for a baby, their backs are not supposed to stay in this position for so long.
And if it is too expensive for your family, it is, and you're the only one with the other parent involved who can say so.

Your friend has the right to be désappointed but it's only a wedding, just one day, nothing will change after this event.
If she can't understand having a baby is way more important, she's missing a point.
Your health and wellbeing, and those of your baby are your priorities and it is just fine and normal.

I'd personally do as I feel.
Stay strong, have a good pregnancy.

Of course @HappyMondayKidz isn't going to reply anymore, didn't like being told she was in the wrong eh?

Fwiw I wouldn't go to that club part of someone's hen do even if I wasn't pregnant but you're definitely right to say you would'nt at 8 months pregnant.
But seriously, your "friend" needs a new best friend and you need some education on how to treat people

I’m a FTM too, baby is 9 months old now. I was adamant on no flying and travelling until he’s older but we ended up flying to Amsterdam for a break when he was 3 months old. It was fine, the flight was so quick and done within 45 mins, Scotland would be the same. I think you should make the effort and put plans in place to attend, it’s your best friend after all. It’s really not that hard or bad when they’re 3 months old, all they do is sleep. It would be harder if your baby was older (or same age as mine!)

I'm slightly confused. She obviously sees you as her BF - would you agree y/n. if so is this pregnancy a happy surprise or planned. If planned why didn't you warn her, that way it would have come as such a shock. i know that info such as trying etc is private and as someone who had 4 miscarriages i do feel I have some understanding, but aren't you supposed to be best friends? I do feel you are being unreasonable to her. Of course babies are more important than weddings - but you've totally disregarded her feelings.

Hi OP
I go against the grain here, I think you need to say to your friend to see how you are. 6-8 weeks is still very young and you have no idea how you or baby will be. You could be feeling great with a fab baby or you could end up a c section or a baby that’s not thriving etc anything really. No one can tell you what to do- it’s you and your baby. I would say to her you will need it to play it by ear. It would be doable if all is well just hard work