Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

@grumiosmum just because it is doable does not mean the mother and baby should have to go through it. Travelling that kind of distance is enough of a hassle without a baby. Also OP is MOH what if there are complications where the OP ccan't go? if it was my wedding I would want to know these things as soon as possible as I would need an exact number of guests and 8 weeks is not enough to pull a new MOH out of the hat

Babies are so much easier than toddlers so it’s good to get used to travelling unless you are planning on going nowhere for the next 3 years. Or travelling with a baby and a toddler! That’s hard.

I wish I’d actually travelled more before mine were moving about. Or before I’d had my second.

My babies were plugged into me, crying and I had to constantly change nappies. They can leak on their clothes if you don't change them often. That's why so many women choose to bottle feed I guess. I was also extremely exhausted from the lack of sleep, could just manage to feed myself, struggled to have a shower or sort out the laundry. OP, don't listen to the bullying and negative critisism.

I kind of think you're being unreasonable although I do understand your reluctance.
I took my first born 7 hours in a car at 2 weeks old for my dad's wedding (and he booked it knowing my due date ) she was fine it was worse for me as I'd had an episiotomy. Just stop lots and get baby out of the car. It was the end of August for us so the car was hot too! It's a good job dad's bride didn't mind sharing the spotlight as dd totally stole it

Sorry you've had such a battering on here OP, for what it's worth I wouldn't want to go either. I had a difficult first few months and I certainly wouldn't have been able to enjoy a wedding with a newborn, let alone actually have official MOH duties. It's not just the travelling. If she's really your best friend then you'll get past this.

I'm going against the grain here, but after a traumatic birth I had trouble going to my first baby massage session when ds was 9 weeks. There is no way I could have travelled to Scotland and sat through a wedding. Those who were able to do stuff days after birth had a lucky experience and it really isn't like that for everyone.
I understand your anxiety OP, and advise you to do whatever feels right for you. Weddings are akin to pfb in my opinion, people get as het up as they want to about it. It doesn't matter in the long run who was at your wedding, it's a lifetime of friendship that counts I reckon.

I've just never travelled as far as Scotland before

Oh that did make me laugh!!

But, I think YANBU to miss the wedding. Not all babies are portable. Not all first time parents are comfortable travelling with a tiny baby. I wouldn't have been

I took my 6 week old baby to Spain! Along with two others! You’re being a wimp!

I think you're being quite selfish. I travelled over 200 miles to a wedding when my now toddler was 3 months old alone! This consisted of trains into London (as we live in the Home Counties), plus taxis and then a long train journey out of London to reach our destination. I'm not surprised your friends annoyed with you .

I would be upset if I were your friend. I went to my best friends hen do whilst pregnant. I also travelled a really long way for her wedding a paid out a lot for the hotel. I have been to loads of weddings (far from home) where people have brought along their parents to look after the baby for a couple of hours. How do you think people with more than 1 child manage. I was back on the school run the day after having my last child - like almost everyone else I know.

So I went on holiday to Portugal when number 2 was 6 weeks old. It was great.

I think YANBU. You could manage the flight fine, I'm sure, but it's the actual wedding that's going to be a nightmare with a small baby. Who will look after the baby while you're getting ready/travelling in a car to the venue/being in the church/having photos taken. Who will look after the baby while you're at the reception, or will the baby be in a buggy next to you?

There are two sorts of people in life.

People who see obstacles ahead, and look for ways to overcome them.

And people who see obstacles ahead, and decide that life's just too difficult to make the effort.

These values all get transmitted to our children over time.

Spot on grumiosmum

I think you should go! Book a flight or a train and make a little holiday out of it - you can get there, do your bit of Bridesmaid duty - have the meal and then if your tired or need a break you can bail out at that point and relax in the hotel room with your new baby!

It would be worth the hassle for your friend! and a night away wouldn't be the worst!

From your latest update it seems mainly financial reasons you can't go which is different from what you told her

The previous poster is right. I’m definitely in the second camp with the OP. It’s easy to rectify. You could message your friend and explain that you are sorry and that you are feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of having a new baby (you can blame hormones!). Say that you think it would be unfair to her for you to be relied upon as the MOH because you don’t know what your situation will be (baby could be two weeks late and you may have a c section). However, you will do everything you can to attend the wedding. This way you can wait till after the baby is born and assess the situation then. You might find that you do feel able to go at the time.
I often see the ‘obstacles’ and say no but later reflect on it and think ‘actually I could have made that work’.

I have to go to Scotland for my aunts wedding in January when my littlest will be just over 2 years old.
I would rather take a young baby any day, he hates the car after 2 hours max and starts getting really arsy. It's a 6 hour ish drive from where we are.
Were intending on leaving early hours in the hope he sleeps until at least the border.
Flying isn't an option for me because 2 adults and 4 kids is expensive.

You know, you could say that you can’t afford two nights but you’ll come for one? That you’ll step down as MOH and can’t attend the hen?

I took my five month old twins to my cousin’s wedding. I had to travel a couple of hundred miles to get there. They both cried during the ceremony so DH and I missed the important bit. Then, one of them puked all down my dress .

But it was fun. True it wasn’t two months after they were born but I still would have gone.

I agree with others, yes this is possibly more about money but it feels like instead of compromising you’ve decided this is a quick and easy way to recoup £300 you don’t really want to spend.

@grumiosmum yes there are two types of people in this world. People that will put their familes first and know that their priorities change and people that don't these values are also transmitted onto our children.

Why should family always come before friends? Also, how is the family (I assume you mean the baby) negatively affected by this? He or she will be too young to care as long as their mum is around. I think it's more about putting yourself first, or putting yourself out for other people. I wouldn't do it for an acquaintance or an evening invite, but someone who cared enough about me to want me as a bridesmaid?

@Pandaintheporridge it is away from the routine. Babies at that age need it. Also not sure if you saw but some people even suggssted the OP leave the baby. There is no way she can look after the baby and be MOH. And of course family comes before friends.

*There are two sorts of people in life.

People who see obstacles ahead, and look for ways to overcome them.

And people who see obstacles ahead, and decide that life's just too difficult to make the effort.

These values all get transmitted to our children over time.*

Wow and there are two other sorts of people in life, those that can empathise with others and those that can't. Clearly you fall in the latter. Why is it so difficult to understand that women can have massively different experiences with new babies and it's not down to attitude? There are many valid reasons PP have given as to why they wouldn't have been able to travel with a young baby. I wouldn't. I would have collapsed with exhaustion.

Yet at 10 months and 2 years I was able to have beautiful holidays abroad on my own with my DS. The not being able to at 8 weeks had nothing to do with attitude!

I'll go against the grain. I think you should go to the hen and be helping organise it in a place where she would like (not where you would like)
Re travelling with baby- depends if you are two weeks late and have a c-sec or are fine and baby is fine. I would say if all is well you will endeavour to be there, however you can't confirm until you've actually had baby.

For what it's worth I refused to take my three month old to my cousins wedding across the country (but that's because baby was a good excuse to avoid the wedding of someone i couldn't stand)

Scotland is not cheap

Eh? That's as stupid as saying England isn't cheap! Do some people think Scotland is just 1 expensive town or something?! How ignorant. Let me tell you something that might shock you, Scotland is exactly the same as England, only smaller. Some expensive bits. Some not so expensive bits.