Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

My friend had an emergency caesarean 2.5 weeks ago here in the Uk but she lives in Dubai - she’s flying back to Dubai 6 weeks after a dramatic birth.

The train is a very good option.

You are being a bit pfb- better response would be that you will move heaven and earth to be there, but you may have to pull out if something unforeseeable happens (eg baby is unwell) - so maybe downgrade from MoH to just guest so you don’t disrupt the wedding party.

Re hen do - my sister was too pregnant for both my hen and overseas wedding (not allowed to fly) and I was sad, as was she, because she was my only bridesmaid, but she and I did a special sister hen do of spa and dinner, which was a lovely alternative.

I think your friend is unhappy because
A) you didn’t bother to speak to her, or see her in person but just text her
B) you didn’t offer an alternative (even just having dinner together, doesn’t have to be expensive)
C) you didn’t leave an option open for still going should everything go well with birth etc

All of my good friends got married not long after me, and DD1 was born 13 months after we were married. So I went to several weddings at the other end of the country when DD1 was small- one when she was 8 weeks old, another when 10 weeks old, two others before she was one, and one a few years later, a child-free one when DD2 was 3 months old, my mum was upstairs with her and I kept going up to breastfeed.

I'd be the same as you, OP. I turned down a wedding invitation for when my baby would be roughly the same age and that would only have been about 4/5 hours drive. You've no idea how you'll be feeling or how well recovered, let alone carrying a baby around (and there are limits as to how long they should be in a car seat, as I'm sure you know). Although I probably could have attended in the end, I was very glad not to have the pressure and everyone completely understood. Better to give advanced notice than pull out near the time.

Personally I'd go to the hen do and possibly slip out of the club early when I needed to sleep!

Don't let people on this forum bully you into going to the wedding with their "I went on holiday and flew the plane myself half an hour outer giving birth" stories

I'd look at flying to the wedding. I would not do the hen do. Baby should be okay on a flight at 12 weeks old. Agree that the long car journey is a bad idea.

I feel really sad for your best friend. Please make an effort to go. I went to my best friends wedding with an 4 week old and just left the reception party early.

No one is obliged to accept a wedding invitation, it doesn't matter what the occasion is, no one should be bullied into feeling they 'have to' accept an invitation and hosts should be gracious and understand that. Too many people are utterly obsessed about weddings, just because it is a really special day for the bride and groom really doesn't mean that it is so special for everyone else.

You’re getting a really hard time here. It’s actually perfectly ok for you to do whatever you feel comfortable with, the issue being that you don’t know how you will feel. Sil booked her wedding for a week after my due date (I was already pg) in another city. I had to respectfully decline in that I didn’t know whether I would have had a baby/what state I would be in. She actually moved the wedding a further 3 weeks back, which I thanked her for but still said I would need to wait and see. She was very gracious. In the end baby was 2 weeks early so was 7 weeks at the time of the wedding but I had a terrible delivery (massive episiotomy, broken coccyx, baby in neonatal for a couple of days). I did go, changing my mind literally on the morning of the wedding and getting in the car with DH. she was delighted and it was good to be there, but it was physically and mentally gruelling. I’d only do it for someone very special, and I wouldn’t go to Scotland (2 hours drive was hard enough)

Fly up with the baby, it’ll be fine.

I think you are being unreasonable. You are important enough to be asked to me MOH , of course you can travel to the wedding. It's not Australia! And even if it was I would manage it for my bf

Travelling with a young baby is far easier than travelling with a toddler so it's a good idea to get used to the logistics before it becomes (a bit) more tricky! It might feel daunting if you overthink it but it really isn't that bad as their needs are pretty basic at two months old. We regularly took an eight hour trip in the car to Scotland from when my DD was this age (and flew a couple of times) and it wouldn't have occurred to us not to just because we had a child. Would've felt horribly restricted!

There is no way I would miss my best friend’s wedding (I had my first baby in February). Flying with a baby at that age is easy or you could do the drive in stages, maybe with a cheap overnight stay included. I can understand you not wanting to go to the hen do but again that is doable.

I think you are the shitty one to be honest. To say now,, before you've had the baby that you won't go to her wedding is a bit ridiculous. Baby will be at least 8 weeks.

For what's it worth, I had an absolutely awful first birth with a long recovery and a c section my second. I'd still have tried to make the wedding on both occasions.

'Too many people are utterly obsessed about weddings'

Yy. They seem to have become the one thing that must be put above everything else, at least on MN. (Looking forward to the coming slew of threads on the other MN sacred absolute, Santa).

Fwiw, I was travelling right across Germany when my older two were around 8 weeks or a bit younger (once by car, once by train), but when dc3 came along I didn't feel up to doing an equivalent journey until she was 3 months (and only did that because we were moving and needed to look at houses/schools), although I had walked home from the hospital with her in a sling four hours after giving birth; mentally I just needed to take things more slowly. In those early weeks (and the baby may arrive two weeks after the EDD) it's impossible to know how you'll be.

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable.

Your baby will be about 3 months old at the time of the wedding. Many people have flown with a baby of that age or have driven 8 hours. This is really not the big deal you are making it out to be.

There is absolutely no way i would let me best friend down on her wedding day about this and I'm not surprised she is upset. It's your call at the end of the day but I think you're being a bit precious.

The hen-do... could you not go along to the rest of the activities and then if you are tired leave when they go clubbing? I assume they aren't starting out the night in a club?

I'm interested at how many posters on here are positing attending this wedding as some kind of ultimate proof of friendship. Saying how 'devastated' they'd be if their 'best friend' did it to them, or the lengths they went to to attend their own friends' weddings. The implication is that OP is a bad friend and a bad person for putting her potential needs and those of her baby first. Is this just another iteration of the demand to 'be kind' that's being discussed on another thread (about Christmas there)? Especially because a wedding seems to be the one time it's socially sanctioned for a woman to chuck 'being kind' overboard and put herself completely and utterly first, so it seems to lead to an excess of self centredness? I can't help thinking that if I were so self important as to be 'devastated' and end my friendship with a friend because she didn't feel up to travelling across the country to attend my wedding with a very young baby, then actually it would be me being the bad friend.

What is wrong with travelling with a newborn ? Its only Scotland not Australia !

Op dont let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting to travel with your tiny baby. I didnt go to a very, very close friends wedding when my ds was 2.5months old. I turned down being a bridesmaid well in advance as well.
She had no problem with it.

What I didnt expect was by 2.5months my ds was suffering from severe colic and I was having a bad case of baby blues. There was no way in hell I would have predicted that. It could have all worked out fine as well. BUT plans needed to be confirmed in advance and costs needed to be factored in so I would think the best case to is decline. I think you are being way more considerate as you are letting her know in advance.

This is not to say that new parents should never attend any events, you need to do what is comfortable for you and your baby.

I could understand you not wanting to be MOH with a you my baby, but to refuse to attend the wedding and hen party is a bit mean. U can travel with a baby; it’s not difficult. And you can go on a hen do whilst pregnant; I’m sure ul do much more strenuous things whilst pregnant! I would do whatever it took to attend my BF wedding. X

I'm going to let everyone into a little secret; weddings really aren't that important. They are a day for two people to sign a bit of paper that says they are legally tied together for the rest of their lifes, and these days that doesn't actually happen that often.

When my baby was 12 weeks old we went on holiday to Northern Spain, driving and by ferry (from London). It was tiring, but not difficult.

And when I was 8.5 months pregnant I attended a standing-only rock gig.

These things are really not as difficult as you think they are going to be - don't let having a baby trump a lifelong friendship.

My brother in law took my 6 week old nephew to visit his parents in oz and my sister stayed home to look after other kids, no ideal I know but babies are very portable at a young age. If he can do that I'm sure you could jump on a quick easyJet flight up north if you actually want to go to the wedding which I think is the issue here. Now you have a baby coming you have no interest in your friend or her wedding.

@grumiosmum of course a child especially a baby comes before any friendship. That baby will be the most important thing in her life.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable too. 8 week old babies travel really well - from experience I found it's much much easier then than when they are crawling / toddling! A short domestic flight with a baby of that age will be a doddle. I wouldn't miss my best friends wedding for the world! I'd be upset if I was her too....

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 - context. Of course a baby is the most important thing in a mother's life, but an 8 week old baby isn't going to mind going to a wedding or a hen do! It's the Mum's reaction to having the baby which is the issue.

Your baby will be 3 months old by the wedding, it's personal choice but it's perfectly safe and easy to travel, so if you don't want to go it's just you don't want to go (if the wedding was 2 weeks after your due date that's different). I flew long haul at 6 weeks postpartum, no choice, it was fine - Scotland takes an hour, or drive through the night maybe. If you don't want to go it's absolutely fine but the baby isn't a reason unless she's refusing to let the baby be there