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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 11/10/2019 01:03

I live in Cornwall and I would think twice about attending a wedding in Scotland with or without a newborn and putting the money issue aside. So long as the bride and groom are there does anyone really get so het up about who attends as guests? OP has given plenty of notice for her so called best friend from 10 years ago to find another MOH. Looks like she is ok and made up with this friend anyway and there are some people seriously deflecting on this thread.

PickedByYou · 11/10/2019 01:05

YANBU

I think you did the right thing to cancel now too. I would want to cancel in your situation and I've had four babies and travelled the world with them including numerous trips when they were tiny babies. I had to travel due to living overseas/work etc and even though it always seemed to go well I would much, much prefer to have stayed at home and enjoyed my baby in the comfort of my own home.

For every poster on this thread saying how it was so easy for them to travel with a little baby I bet I could find a dozen threads saying how utterly exhausting and overwhelming it is looking after a little baby.

New Mums should put themselves and their babies first!

Mumsnet is REALLY weird.

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 11/10/2019 01:06

Why can't you fly with a 2.5 month old
I know I wouldn't have been up to it.
Everyone's different.
It wouldn't have meant I didn't want to be there or anything against my friend.

CherryBathBomb · 11/10/2019 01:08

I think a baby outweighs a friends wedding! If she's a friend she should understand that!

0DimSumMum0 · 11/10/2019 01:10

I agree with a lot of the other posters and think you are being really unreasonable about the wedding. The hen do is quite understandable. It's probably the best time to travel with a new born. My son was only 2 months old when my brother got married in London and we were a 5 hr drive away. It was fine and I wouldn't have let anything stop me from going. My son slept through most of it and I had a lot of help which made it e trend KT doable. It really isn't an excuse and like your friend I would be upset. Sorry.

Talkingmouse · 11/10/2019 01:11

Travelling with a young baby is generally pretty easy...they also sleep a lot so you’ll get some time to enjoy the wedding. Yabu.

jumbojelly · 11/10/2019 01:58

Why wouldn't your dp just bring his dc? You both sound so incredibly flakey.

OkPedro · 11/10/2019 02:32

I think you saying you’re her best friend but she’s not yours says it all op
Why did you agree to be her MOH? Do you want to remain friends? Or has the friendship run it’s course?
I think you made a mistake getting involved in the wedding at all..
I personally would explain again you won’t be attending the wedding and wish her well

Seahorseshoe · 11/10/2019 02:43

2 nights away shouldn't cost you £300.

Not going to the hen night is understandable, but if you'd agreed to be moh, I think you should honour that.

PenelopeFlintstone · 11/10/2019 02:48

YABU

hammeringinmyhead · 11/10/2019 02:51

I wouldn't have gone. At 8 weeks I had only just stopped crying all the time from hormones, and my lochia went on for 7. Babies are only meant to do 2 hours at a time in a car seat. DS was in a pram with carrycot that wouldn't fold for a train. And also I went to a Scottish wedding near St Andrews the year before from Wiltshire and the drive was nearly 11 hours. Just no!

beestripey · 11/10/2019 02:57

HappyMondayKid Flowers for your losses. I can understand this is a time of mixed emotions.

YANBU If I were your friend I would completely understand. I'd be disappointed for myself of course, but would realise that having a baby changes things and could not hold it against you. I would also be horrified at the thought of pregnant you coming clubbing unless it were to somewhere really safe and friendly (I can't think of a club like that though!).

I think it is also the risk the wedding couple take when having a wedding away from home/far from their guests, and also when booking a wedding pretty far in advance like that. South West to Scotland is still quite a trek and an expense. You can't reasonably expect that other people will be able to prioritise your wedding over everything else, no matter how their lives change. If they were having their wedding in the south, then the OP would very likely still be going, so it is a problem of the bride's making really (unless her fiance is Scottish).

If people feel fine about this kind of travel with a young baby then that's fine for them, but its U to demand it of everyone.

Best wishes for and congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Rachelover60 · 11/10/2019 03:09

hammeringinmyhead
I wouldn't have gone. At 8 weeks I had only just stopped crying all the time from hormones, and my lochia went on for 7. Babies are only meant to do 2 hours at a time in a car seat. DS was in a pram with carrycot that wouldn't fold for a train.
.......
I was like you, hammering. I bled for eight weeks and felt generally weak and tearful, also a bit scared; slept when my baby slept. I didn't even like going round the corner for groceries, never mind going to a wedding and being with people. I'm sure I couldn't have done it.

It's a shame for the op's friend but she may understand when she is eventually pregnant and has a baby.

Transpeaked · 11/10/2019 03:38

She’s a shit friend. Bin and move on.

Ce7913 · 11/10/2019 03:48

If you do go, definitely don't drive.

An 8hr drive turns into more like 12-14hrs with an infant.

Even if you very optimistically assume the best case scenario - that your baby is happy and peacefully sleeping most of the way - it's neither safe nor good for their spines to be in the carrier for hours at a time. So you have to stop frequently and get them out.

Plus there's feeding, changing, comfort stops if they're distressed.

Flying or a train is far more sensible.

RightYesButNo · 11/10/2019 04:12

I've just never travelled as far as Scotland before and have obviously found it all a bit daunting.

You don’t want to go. You need to just be honest with yourself. You’re daunted by a journey-length many people take once or more a week (a one-hour flight), with a baby that’s totally fine at its age to fly, by an amount for accommodation that most would find totally normal to spend on a wedding. It all adds up to you not really wanting to be there. And that’s all right. You’re allowed to say “no” to things in life. But people who use their babies or children as excuses end up being generally disliked pretty quickly, so just be careful of that. To clarify, it’s not an excuse to miss the hen do - it sounds like it wouldn’t be that safe of an outing for a heavily pregnant woman, in packed nightclubs. You can tell the difference, though, because you don’t have six back-up reasons for why you can’t go to that.

Mishfit0819 · 11/10/2019 04:26

I think a lot of now experienced mothers who are saying "babies are really portable at that age" etc have forgotten what it's like to be heavily pregnant thinking ahead to post baby...

I think you probably could make it work fine to either go by plane or train at that stage. However, I totally get that it's hard to plan and think of just now as there are so many variables in terms of due date/how labour will go and recovery/whether you breastfeed and if you'll be established enough to do so in public for so long at this point / how you'll be coping with the wee one generally.

If your gut is telling you not to go then it's good to have given your friend notice, but I think you might regret it if everything goes well and you realise by that point you could have easily gone..but you won't know that until baby is here so go with your gut now and hope she's a good enough friend to get over her disappointment.

AgentProvocateur · 11/10/2019 04:32

I've just never travelled as far as Scotland before...daunting

FFS, it’s Scotland, not Syria. We have roads and trains here, too, you know. Hmm

Witchinaditch · 11/10/2019 04:45

OP I wouldn’t use the we have another holiday booked excuse to your friend as that will look even more like you don’t care about the friendship. I think only you know your money situation and It’s up to you at the end of the day, the baby would be fine to travel. I went to Australia alone with my 3 month old it was more than fine the journey has been worse as they got older! You just have to be prepared to live with the consequences to your friendship of this decision.

Nearlyadad · 11/10/2019 05:12

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. If the baby’s due at the end of March and she goes a couple of weeks over the baby will be about six weeks old in early June, and the OP could still be recovering! Imagine if she has a c-section.

That said why don’t you tell your friend you’ll do your best but can’t promise you’ll be there? You might feel up to it in June.

Grafittiqueen · 11/10/2019 05:30

YABU, I told my DD to Rome when she was 8 weeks old. They're very portable at that age.

CanICelebrate · 11/10/2019 05:49

Does anyone else find it slightly suspicious that overnight there are suddenly lots of supportive messages for the OP?! sock puppets?

KatherineJaneway · 11/10/2019 05:55

I think it's clear from your op you have no intention of going. You ask 'What can I do to make it up to her?', you can't. You clearly don't want to attend the wedding and that is something she might not forgive you for.

iismum · 11/10/2019 06:14

I would be disappointed if I were her too. My cousin came from the west coast of the US to England to be my maid of honour with a 12 week old baby (also get first).

stayathomer · 11/10/2019 06:14

Theres so many peopke saying they wouldnt go to a hen do when pregnant!! I've been twice and tbh if it's a good one then whether people are ossified or not you'll have such a laugh and a s you said the tougher night clubs won't let you in. You'll be able to tell on the night or go home early if needs be. Before I had first I assumed my social life was over and I had to be the sensible mum and never socialise at all but plenty of people bring babies to weddings, just discuss it with her, although I think she could have handled this all better too. I also think possibly it is that she's not your best friend (not meant in a bad way, in fact, you alluded to it above)

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