Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

I don't think YABU.
But she is obviously very disappointed so I'd send or take her some flowers with a card saying you're sorry to have upset her, but the practicalities of the situation make it impossible for you to honour your commitment. Say you hope she'll understand and that you hope she finds a replacement who'll be able to make sure her wedding is a special and happy occasion.

I think the OP is getting a hard time.

She doesn't know how she will cope with a baby she may be fine by then she may not.

Scotland is not cheap and even if she flies it may be a bloody long way from the airport for all we know.

The hen do doesn't sound great from her description, if there was a meal or spa option I'd say absolutely go but a grotty club no thanks.

I wouldn't fly with a young baby but I would drive. I would allow an extra day for travel though just in case baby didn't travel but 8 weeks is actually a great travel age because most babies are still very much in a sleep/eat/poop, play for a tiny bit stage.

Get a back seat mirror or sit in the back seat with baby perhaps?

A portacot is a great idea too but use it a few times before you go to get baby used to it.

Oh and YANBU to skip the hen do.

Ps all those people saying drive to Scotland... from the south west - this could mean Cornwall/Devon - are you bloody mad?! And do you know newborns aren't meant to be in car seats for that long?

You should skip the hen do. But go to the wedding. Your baby will be 2mths+ old by then. It will mostly sleep! Yes, it's a pain in the arse re the wedding location, but as MoH you should go, if you want to maintain your friendship. By 6weeks, many new mums start to hit their stride a bit. If it was 2-4 weeks after you'd given birth, I'd advise you not to bother. But it could be 10 weeks.

Skip the hen do and go to the wedding. It’s only Scotland, and small babies are easy! At least don’t say no now... maybe decline MOH but go as a guest, and if you really can’t face it cancel nearer the time... I’m sure your friend would understand... but I think you’ll be surprised ! I did a friends wedding a long drive away with 10 week old twins... had a lovely time!!

@JasBBGG Scotland isn’t cheap? Really it’s a big place and the OP doesn’t say where she is going . It could very well be cheap to stay where the wedding is she won’t say what area it is in. It could be Gretna or It could be the Orkney islands .

This will sound cliche but the best thing to do the apologise while giving your side of the argument and give it time.

Honestly you're being unreasonable, She's your best friend and you're her MOH.

When I was 7 months pregnant with my twins I was on my best friends hen weekend as she's was my best friend, and I was the MOH who has planned it all. The location didn't change to accommodate me, I just took it easy when I needed to.

Then went to the wedding and left the babies with parents in law for the night and we were back the next day. If you don't want to travel with Baby, then go alone.

I completely get why she is upset.

YABU.
I don't see why you can't fly with baby? Or get a train?

@mummy2oneandtwo why should she leave the baby or travel with it? the baby is her priority

@mummy2oneandtwo why should she leave the baby or travel with it? the baby is her priority.

^
This, x100.

Not read the full thread, just the first page. You;re going to have a 2 possibly three month old baby at a push and expected to be due at a wedding and a big role to boot at the opposite end of the country?!
Er, no. I'm the usually the one saying you don't want to miss out either, but come on!
You're not always up to it.
I'm assuming the bride to be is child free....

The OP is getting an unnecessary bashing. PFB? Remember to have some empathy here, she's suffered her share of miscarriages...
I don't believe you're BU, op.

I read "it's an invitation, not a summons" on mumsnet all the time. Surely it is up to the OP whether she takes a newborn all the way up to Scotland or not?

Yes, it's a let-down, but she's given the bride plenty of time to have another MOH. Sounds like her DP can't make it, and she will find the travel stressful and expensive. I don't see why a new mum should have to put herself through that if she really doesn't want to.

OP just needs to realise that it may be the end of the friendship - because brides tend to focus 100% on their big day. She may be more understanding when she gets pregnant herself

I do think the OP has been given some v harsh replies here.

I wouldn't take the baby to the wedding and I wouldn't be leaving the baby for the night or weekend either

Is it only on Mumsnet where weddings absolutely trump every other life event including first born babies? bearing in mind 1/3 of weddings end in divorce anyway!

It's great to see that so many PP had such easy babies that doing a long journey with a newborn was a piece of piss. Lucky you. Not everyone has easy births and babies. No way would I have been able to travel anywhere more than half an hour or so away around 8 weeks. I was on the floor with exhaustion most days. Admittedly my DC was born with a disability that impacted on the exhaustion, but it wasn't diagnosed in pregnancy so there was no way of knowing. Some people really take for granted how easy their lives are with their babies and have no clue that it can be the complete opposite for others.

I'm not suggesting this might happen to you OP. But it's a point that no one can actually tell you for sure how you are going to feel because not even the doctors can guarantee what kind of birth or baby you will have. You were right to be cautious and discuss with your friend.

With regards to the money side, again i can see how pre pregnancy the wedding could be affordable but now it isn't. Not being able to afford a wedding does not mean you can't afford a child! It just means your financial priorities are different now.

When it comes down to it, it's just a shame that both of your major life events come at a similar time next year. Neither of you are in the wrong for prioritising your own event and it's understandable she would be disappointed. But that doesn't make you wrong for putting you and your baby first.

Now she's talking to you again is it worth trying to suggest to her that if you feel up to it after the baby is born then you will of course be more than happy to attend, but you just can't guarantee right now how you will feel (because you genuinely can't!)? If she still insists you have to give a definite now then I would say no.

Sorry, '1/3 marriages end in divorce' would be more accurate

My best friend could not attend my wedding as she had just had a baby and the wedding was in a different town to where she lived (a three hour drive).

Different to this situation because her baby was only three weeks old but she still tried absolutely everything she could to be there. In the end it just didn’t make sense for her to make a ridiculous and extremely difficult amount of effort so that she could attend. I was of course sad about that but I really did not blame her at all. In fact that evening before the wedding we had a lovely long chat on the phone and both cried.

The point of this post is, even if she had an eight week old, I would absolutely never have held it against her if she couldn’t make it. Your baby absolutely comes first and yes people travel all the time with newborns but I would never EXPECT them to, so I think your friend is BU for sounding like she expects it.

I would tell her that you’ll keep an open mind, but that you just don’t know how things are going to go. You don’t know if your baby will come two weeks late or how the birth will be or the recovery.

I think this is sad.

You say she doesn’t have many friends or close family and she valued her friendship so much that she asked you to be her moh.

But then you’ve just dropped everything to do with her wedding.

Especially since she has little friend and family support I would have thought you would have more consideration for her and try to work out a way to get to the wedding, but you didn’t even try.

I would be prioritising getting to her wedding and being there for her. Certainly not as her moh, in case you are genuinely unable, but as her guest.

Flying with a 2 mth old to Scotland which takes around 45mins to and hour depending where your going. I don’t see the issue myself. Very different if it was within your due date or close but your not talking about a new born , he or she will have had there jabs and be around 8 weeks. I found travelling with them young the easiest as they fed and slept. I would be going for my best friends wedding

Whereabouts in the large town of Scotland is the wedding?

It’s like an hour on the plane by the way.

When I had just had my second, I think she was two weeks old, we drove about 150 miles (I'm guessing here, it could be 200) for a wedding. She's never travelled well but I was so glad I went. But I also know that doing it again now would probably finish me. And Scotland is such an age away when you live in the south. I don't think you were wrong to say you wouldn't go, some would and many wouldn't. For her this obviously feels like the end of the world because she will be caught up in wedding wedding wedding. She'll either come through over time, or you'll have one less to invite to any future christening.

Wh year on earth can’t you fly with a 2.5 month old? That’s not a newborn . Really rubbish way to treat your best friend. Life doesn’t stop because you have a baby.