Shitty message from 'best friend'

[HappyMondayKidz]

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

You're not being unreasonable at all.

I went to a local wedding (5 mile drive) when my son was 6 weeks old.
I'd had a c-section and I was sore and tired so I drove me and my son home just after the meal as I just wanted to chill out with my baby.

It's absolutely your choice - don't be bullied into it if you really don't want to go.

Those early days with your baby will go so fast, so make the most of them whichever way you want to

Don’t fly. Way too costly for our planet.

Either drive or go by train. Or don’t. Do what you want. It’s only a wedding.

Oh for goodness sake, you don't lose use of your.legs and other faculties when you have a baby

No but you can lose a lot of blood, need a c section, develop pnd, have anxiety, have a baby that has severe reflux, have less money, have pelvis/back/hip pain, find it hard to travel with a cot and everything needed...

Was there any need to minimise how other women feel in such a catty way?

Is seriously no one calling the OP a bad friend not seeing how being exposed to that many germs before having all vaccinationsis a risk? there is no way of knowing if the person next to you or who just touched the table is carrying around the flu or worse

YABU and PFB. I flew to the US with DD when she was 3 months old. You can easily manage a trip to Scotland. It clearly means a lot to her that you’re there. You should be flattered not offended.

It may come across as excuses, but I don't really see how it is. It's how my life is..

If we paid for the holiday and the wedding we'd have to put aside about £300-350 a month. We don't have that kind of disposable income, especially won't when I'm on mat pay.

We've been in court for the last year and have a solicitor bill that's much more than we expected.

DP has lost his overtime benefits as his company have stopped doing it. He also has to pay £400 a month in child maintenance.

DP won't be able to book his holiday until Jan, and most of it will be taken up by having time off to spend with his DC during his first year of court ordered time. This wedding isn't his priority, he's only met her once or twice.

I've said best friends. We were best friends at school, but have had periods of speaking and not speaking (not falling out) over the last 10 years. She doesn't have many friends, and doesn't talk to or get on with her family. She's lived in various places over the UK but I have always tried to visit her when I can, but she's not always made the effort to come and see me.

I've had bad sickness during my pregnancy so far, and have lost babies before so am probably more cautious and anxious than most. I'm worried about being in a club whilst I'm pregnant and so have said I'd leave early when they hit the clubs but she's unhappy about that and is expecting me to go and just not drink.

I've not had a baby before, so I don't know how I'll be. I don't see how it's unreasonable to try and be sensible about how I'm going to cope. I know I'm an anxious person, I'd like to be relaxed and chilled but not everyone is.

I agree with PP's that the way I've worded it maybe isn't the best, but I was just trying to explain my reasons. Anyway, after this I messaged her and she does actually appear to be okay and apologised for forgetting to reply.. She said she understands now because of my message and seems happier.

So, thanks everyone for your messages. I'm no longer going to reply to any more. There has been a mixed response, but I am surprised at some unnecessarily nasty ones.

Suggest you fly. You'll find it super easy with a small baby, much less so than with a shouty toddler!

What would have upset me if I was your friend, was the fact that you were so quick and eager to drop out altogether without even attempting to make it work. It comes across as if you really don't care much about her. You could have been more flexible and tried to show willing, but you didn't and in doing so you upset your friend who as you've said doesn't have many close friends to be her bridesmaid. Your email would have just added salt to the wound.

Ultimately you clearly don't value or respect her as she did you, and basically have decided you don't want to go, as evidenced by your numerous excuses that have emerged throughout the thread.

You are too anxious to travel to Scotland
You are nervous about flying
Your baby will be too young
There are regular fights in the nightclub and risk of slipping on the floor
You can't save £300 in 9 months
Your partner has childcare issues
Your partner can't take any annual leave
Your partners annual leave is unpaid

I wouldn't bank on your friend making much fuss about your new baby.

If you're breastfeeding you give your baby passive immunity for the first couple of months.

Op I flew to Morocco with dd at 8 weeks and it was a hell of a lot easier than with a toddler!

I did a 6 hour flight with my first dc when she was 10 weeks old, was a lovely easy relaxing flight, loved it.
Theres no way id miss my best friends wedding! Babies are very portable at that age, I cant even see the issue, you should be excited you get to have your little one on your bfs special day?!
Life is for living 😊

@category12 not had a baby yet but myself I would want to avoid crowded public places where possible until the first year or at least 6 months if I have no choice but to put them into day care. Yes doctors is unavoidable but other then that unless it was needed 100% for the baby no way

I think you’re making excuses not to go

It's not really practical or healthy to hide for the first year of a child's life, redappleandaquamarine1987.

@category12 how is avoiding crowded places hidding it? you can still go to places with less people. It's just train-stations air ports etc, shopping malls etc . All kinds of germs there

You are putting your child first than anyone else. CONGRATULATIONS AND MORE POWER TO YOU!!!
barely any women do nowadays 😔

I think you have made a decision far too early on both of these events and that you won't really know how well you will feel and how confident you will be with your baby until a lot closer to the time.

I can recall going on holiday at 8 months pregnant and whilst I wouldn't have been dancing and clubbing until the early hours I think I would have been capable of going along for a meal and drink - and that when the time comes and your friend actually sees you at 8 months pregnant she will realise herself that you are not exactly in a position to dance the night away. It's also possible that you wouldn't be well enough to go but if that was the case you could make your apologies at the time.

We also went on holiday when DS was 6 weeks old - to Cornwall which can be a 5/6 hour drive from where we live - and in fact we spent the first few months going for long drives every weekend as it guaranteed that DS would sleep and I also got to nap in the car. I wouldn't want to be making the journey with a young baby alone - but with your DP you should be fine. Again if things don't go to plan and nearer the time you realise it won't work then you can reassess at that point but I think it's impossible for you to know what you will be up to managing this many months away.

YABU. Last year whilst pregnant and suffering with HG I went on 3 hen dos (1 abroad) and 4 weddings (1 a week after hen do abroad) and was a bridesmaid. 3 of the weddings and 2 of the hens were heavily pregnant. Had a shitty labour ended up having an Emergancy section and flew to Ireland to visit family that were unable to travel to DS christening when he was 7 weeks old. If you want to be there you have to make the effort.

YABU. You sound dramatic. No wonder your friend isn’t talking to you

Just glad I’m not your supposed best friend op!

In your opening post you state “my best friend of 10 years”
However you now say “I'm probably more her best friend than she is mine. She doesn't have many friends and those that she has are generally twice her age or her partners friends. I've got lots of friends and I wouldn't ask her to be my MOH or GM to my child, for example”. How patronising. Does she know you feel like this?

Actually hope she somehow reads this thread! The above, plus the fact you’ve booked another holiday (which you are going on despite saying how hard up you are), should show her how unimportant she is to you!!

In answer to your question on “Shitty message from ’Best Friend’ on “Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really.. ”*
Yes you are and I feel so sorry for her that you actually don’t care enough to support her on one of the most important days she will ever have in her life!

Hopefully one of your actual ‘best’ friends will treat you like this and you will find out how horrible it is!

OP just don’t go, you have tried to justify with many different reasons; baby, travelling with baby, paying for accommodation, holiday already booked, solicitor fees etc.

I would go if it was me and my best friends wedding but it seems like you just don’t want to. So just don’t go! All this had wringing, It’s sounding ridiculous now!

@HappyMondayKidz I can't believe some of the responses you're getting here. I understand that you'd rather say no now, with 8 months to go, than with one month to go. You just don't know how things will go when the baby comes. Fingers crossed it'll all go perfectly smoothly for you, but mine was born 13 weeks early and I wouldn't have taken her to a wedding even 2 months after her due date, because of her immune system. You just never know what will happen. I do hope you manage to work things out with your friend though.

Flying to Scotland from England is not a "massive expense." You can easily get a round trip for less than 200 pounds. Babies will travel where you take them.

I think youve read to many threads on mumsnet about how you need to stop doing anything, not have any visitors and hide away from the world for the first three months of your baby’s life.

I don’t know anyone who has done this in real life, but read about loads of them on here.
Your baby would be fine going to the wedding. But, if you don’t want to go and be her MOH, just be truthful about it. Don’t use your pregnancy and baby as an excuse.
Your friendship will never recover but you won’t have to go to her wedding if you would rather not, no one is forcing you.

I am utterly stunned at the number and vehemence of the responses insisting that OP should go so far, to a wedding, with a new baby.

OP: don't go. Put yourself and your lovely new baby first. Family, family, family every time. I'd have been bloody annoyed if my wife had b*ggered off the other side of the country, in these circumstances.

Best of luck to you!!