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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 22:04

I have honestly never written anything that harsh before, but this is your best friend. Put yourself out.

Weeeeelllllllll...... She's not OP's best friend. But OP is HER best friend.

So, even if you weren't pregnant, it was unlikely your DP was going to go anyway as he doesn't have spare leave. Even though June would be from next year's annual leave entitlement?

OP, it really does sound like you are just making excuses now. I think your friend has sensed that you're not fussed and bring pregnant is a handy excuse.

It's fine if you don't want to go. But your reasons for declining at this stage are pretty flimsy.

MarshaBradyo · 10/10/2019 22:04

Ha at getting pregnant after agreeing is that a joke

Squirrelplay · 10/10/2019 22:04

You were hasty cancelling on her. If you really wanted to be there you could have waited to see how you felt at the time. You might well not be up to it, and that would be fine but you're not even willing to try. As maid of honor that's fairly dishonorable IMO...

The excuses about money are daft too and do you no favours. If you're that hard up that you can't afford a night in Scotland one year in advance then I'd be thinking twice about how you'll afford a child... and yet you can afford a holiday Hmm ...

I imagine you're just selfish and are glad for an excuse not to make an effort for your friend. She's better off I think.

HariboBrenshnio · 10/10/2019 22:09

I've had a baby, two actually, and I'd be pissed if my best friend missed my wedding because she had a 2 month old. Babies are portable, easy to travel with at that age and happy to sleep a lot. I'd rethink your plans on not going to the wedding. Drive up and plan stops.

Riddikulusness · 10/10/2019 22:09

I wish you’d done a poll. I personally think you’re being very selfish

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 10/10/2019 22:10

You sound perfectly sensible and putting your baby first. At that young age the baby will still not have had most of their vaccinations. As someone that travels frequently no way would I take a child to a air port or train station without full vaccinations. It's a breeding group for illnesses with people coughing and sneezing. Please don't let people guilt you into this. Also how will you be able to care for baby and be maid of honour? at that age they still in a lot of cases rely on breast milk.

On top of that what if you are not up to it due to complications or the birthing being more strenuous? You did the right thing

Wellie89 · 10/10/2019 22:11

I can see your point OP. It is a long way but it's not impossible if it really means that much to her. I can see why she's pissed off if she really really wants you there for her, but she's also being a bit bridezilla not talking to you. Is it that she wants your emotional support, or just your spoiling the idea of the perfect wedding she has in her head? A wedding is just a day after all I think it daft to get too worked about it. I don't think I'd have been gutted if anyone didn't make it - I'm a soppy 'it was about me a DH' and just wanted to celebrate with any friends and family who wanted to. I didn't get to talk to anyone for more than 3 minutes each. I'd have felt terrible if they didn't really want to be there, it'd caused issues, been too expensive for them etc.

If I were you I'd really try and look at options to get to the wedding if you can, but skip the hen do. Nooo way would I have attempted a club at 8 months... I'd given up work by then as just wadding about the office in my Whale like state was too much! But everyone is different, others could be playing tennis until they literally give birth lol

PixieDustt · 10/10/2019 22:11

Pretty harsh responses on here.
I wouldn't want to fly or travel 8+ hours with my 3m DS.
Of course she is going to be upset but at the end of the day it's the OP's decision and that's final.
If the friend decides not to speak to her anymore over it then that's what it is.
Hopefully you will both be friends still but I also think the bride should see it from OP's POV.

Mummyshark2018 · 10/10/2019 22:13

I agree that Couples should not put off ttc due to other people's celebrations however when I was ttc and was asked to be moh and bridesmaid (3 times) I did tell them (jokingly) that I might be pregnant so they knew it was a possibility (re location and dress suitability) . Unfortunately i never was and needed ivf but I think if they're your bf then you should feel able to tell them that you're ttc and put it out there especially if you are anxious/ have a fear of flying etc and then the bride can be at least semi prepared.

DorisDaisyMay · 10/10/2019 22:13

Not read the full thread but I went from the south to Scotland on the train when my baby was 3 weeks old to a wedding and it was fine x

WAGatha · 10/10/2019 22:16

For those posters saying it's such a long way just stop! It's bloody Scotland not Australia, or does life not exists outside the M25??

Schoolchoicesucks · 10/10/2019 22:16

I travelled 4 hours to my db's wedding at 5 days overdue. I would have gone with a 5 day old too - basically as long as I wasn't in labour.
My best friend came to my wedding - a 7 hour drive - with her 6 week old. I'd have been gutted if she had missed it.
Book cheap train tickets OP. If you really can't make it, then deal with it then. But do everything you can to be there if she is your best friend.

Ohyesiam · 10/10/2019 22:19

Op, the wedding might be possible. We flew from Bristol airport to Glasgow for a wedding with our 6 week old firstborn. I was breastfeeding so just needed nappies and clothes. The hotel where the reception was gave us a room for the evening so i could feed her. It was quite straightforward, and I am not one of those capable superwoman types at all.

Whatever you end up doing I hope you make it up with your bf.

TabbyTurmoil · 10/10/2019 22:20

Omg. Yanbu. Ignore the madness. You have no idea what you'll be dealing with at 8 weeks and if you don't want to commit to travelling to Scotland you don't have to.

Apolloanddaphne · 10/10/2019 22:20

Where in Scotland is the wedding? Maybe we can help you find cheaper accommodation.

Snausage · 10/10/2019 22:21

I wouldn't miss my best friend's wedding for anything, so I can understand why she's pissed off.

I went with DH to his oldest friend's wedding 6 weeks after giving birth. It was an 8 hour drive (wish we'd flown, now!) with a few stops and it was fine. I was self conscious (fat) and uncomfortable but DS was brilliant and we had a great time.

It sounds as if money is the issue but, if you really wanted to go, you'd make it happen.

Welshy545 · 10/10/2019 22:25

I am on mat leave just now and in the past couple of months I have been a bridesmaid for one friend and maid of honour for another. Yeah it is hard when you have a baby and the expense when your on mat leave is difficult but I wouldnt dream of missing thier weddings especially since they asked to me to be part of the wedding party. My sister also came to my wedding and stayed over night when her baby was 2 weeks old, we mutually agreed she wouldnt be a bridesmaid as her due date was actually the day before my wedding! But my nephew came two weeks early and they still made it even though she was in agony after a difficult birth and I will always really appreciate that. Your baby will be 2 months old, you could definitely find a way to make it work if you really wanted to.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 10/10/2019 22:25

She's not OP's best friend.

Well, she was at the start in the OP's original message: "my best friend of 10 years"

But then the OP didn't get the responses she wanted and it all changed to mask what a massively self-indulgent princess she is being. She has changed her wording quite a bit already when challenged.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that you are not up for taking your very small baby to a wedding or with flagging now that maybe there should be a back-up plan in case baby doesn't play ball. There is something wrong with telling the bride six months ahead that you don't think it's "appropriate", saying you'll do the hen only if it's somewhere also appropriate, then responding to the bride's hurt with an extremely long email banging on about your own side "in as much detail as I possibly can".

As I said before, the OP has probably wrecked this friendship not through her concern over her baby, but through the sheer self-absorbed snottiness of her approach.

TildaTurnip · 10/10/2019 22:28

YANBU. It is utterly irrelevant that others have had a baby and done it. Many have had babies and also wouldn’t. If you don’t think you’ll be able to financially or have the confidence to with a baby then that is ok. I wouldn’t be cross with a friend who couldn’t come for this reason. Disappointed they were not there, not cross.

Meshy23 · 10/10/2019 22:28

Hi had my first baby in May and was bridesmaid early August in Cotswolds (4 hour drive) and fly regularly to Scotland from London to see family (first flight from 9 weeks after first set of jabs). To be honest it’s possible and I would go to wedding for my best friend. It’s a short flight.

I’d go to any day time event for the hen do (I went to my friends drinks at 38 weeks pregnant) and just leave when they go clubbing.

So yes it’s not easy and inconvenient but it’s more than possible when baby is 3 months old.

So I think YaBu (I know it’s because it’s your first though).

Delatron · 10/10/2019 22:29

She’s mentioned saving for a holiday so a night in Scotland for her friend’s wedding shouldn’t be too much of an issue money wise. I think basically this isn’t OP’s best friend (friend thinks otherwise) and she just doesn’t want to go.

Stuckinanutshell · 10/10/2019 22:29

Not sure why you can’t travel to the wedding with a baby. I went to a birthday weekend for a friend’s 40th with a very young baby and I’m a single mother. If you have a partner it’ll be more than fine.

Sounds like you’re either a bit precious or using your baby to make an excuse not to go.

‘Not fair on the baby’ - really? The baby just wants milk, sleep, and love. They won’t mind being at a wedding. What you mean is ‘it won’t be fair on me’. You sound like hard work.

BustedDreams · 10/10/2019 22:29

Actually @HappyMondayKidz you don’t need our opinion if we feel if you’ve bu or not. Congratulations btw. Our opinions don't really matter on this one. Your friends wedding is a priority to her and your first born is your priority (both understandably so). You need to do what’s in yours and your babies best interest on this one. Hopefully your friend can be as pleased for you as you are for her.

Relax and enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to motherhood.

Drogosnextwife · 10/10/2019 22:31

I missed one of my best friends weddings because I had given birth the week before, she was getting married 5 mins from my house! YANBU

BillieEilish · 10/10/2019 22:31

When she gets over her sadness she'll see you did her a favour. You sound like a patronising and self absorbed former friend.

Doubt she'll have much to do with you now.

Maybe you're jealous of her being a bride and you not? Maybe you want it to be all about you?

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