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AIBU?

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Original poster

Shitty message from 'best friend'

695 replies

HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 19:32

Just looking to clarify that I'm not being unreasonable really..

So my best friend of 10 years asked me to be her maid of honour back in May. Of course, absolutely buzzing for her, I accepted and started thinking about organising a hen do.

I live in the South West and my friend lives in the South, but they are getting married in Scotland. A lot of her friends live all over the UK so she is now having a couple of hen do's to make life a bit cheaper and easier for everyone (as funding travel and accommodation for the wedding in Scotland is proving to be quite expensive).

Since I have been asked to be MOH, I have found out I am pregnant (first baby). I am due towards the very end of March 2020 and she will be getting married very early June 2020. I have since spoken to her and said that I just don't think it will be appropriate of me to travel to Scotland with a very young baby - either by plane or by car (obviously I have apologised massively and told her how much I would love to celebrate with her if it was possible). I have also said that I'm happy to come on her hen do as long as it is in a reasonable venue due to being heavily pregnant when it takes place.

She has now sent me a message saying, basically, how disappointed in me she is and how she would 'move heaven and earth' to attend my wedding. I just don't think 8 hours + in a car is fair on a newborn and I don't feel comfortable flying with a tiny baby (especially as it's my first) - plus the huge expense when I'll be on maternity pay with bills to pay. She is also unhappy that I'm not willing to go clubbing for her hen do - all she can see is that I can have fun without drinking(!!). I sent her a very long response explaining my side in as much detail as I possibly can, she read it nearly a week ago and has ignored me since.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Please help! What can I do to make it up to her?

OP posts:
linentowel · 10/10/2019 21:48

I went to my best friends hen do 2 days after my mother died. She’s my best friend. I would never have missed it. I was bridesmaid 8 weeks later.

tenmum · 10/10/2019 21:49

No way would I ever miss my best friends wedding - your best friend must feel absolutely gutted !

Travelling on a plane isn't that bad!

Livelovebehappy · 10/10/2019 21:49

You’re having a baby. You’re not the first and won’t be the last. Millions of women all over the world have babies. Providing the birth is straight forward and no problems afterwards, I would go. Best friends, decent ones, are precious and you will be a huge support to each other during ups and downs in your life time. I found travelling with a baby was far less challenging than travelling with a toddler. They sleep and feed for the first few months and do nothing much in between.

ForeverBaffled · 10/10/2019 21:49

So does that mean because your baby did that, ALL babies will? Do people not realise that some babies are like that (other peoples) and some babies are a bloody nightmare and scream and wake up every 30 minutes day and night (like my baby did,). No way was I in a fit state for a wedding or a bloody flight. Why do people generalise about babies. They are all different, some high maintenance, some low maintenance!

Exactly this!! Great that some people could travel with their newborns. Would have been a horror show with mine. I’m delighted you’re putting yourself first OP, having a baby is a massive life changing experience and you just don’t know how you’re going to feel so better to cancel now than the day before!

maryberryslayers · 10/10/2019 21:50

Seriously, I don't understand why you can't go by car or plane! A 2 month old is very easy to travel with, they just sleep.
Car is probably easier to take all your stuff. Get a lie flat car seat when you're choosing so you can go longer between breaks. Stop over night somewhere if you need to break it up.
Surely you can stretch to it for your best friend. I'd be pissed off with you too.

SalrycLuxx · 10/10/2019 21:50

YANBU

Some people breeze through with first babies. Everything is rainbows and flowers. Others spend the first three months recovering from a c-section while trying to work out why the baby won’t lay for breastfeeding, before moving them onto formula and being pitched into post natal depression due to lack of sleep and feelings of failure.

You cannot know at this stage what you will feel or be like. So I think relinquishing the MOH position is both sensible and fair. Otherwise you could leave her high and dry with on out weeks to go.

zebrasdontwearbras · 10/10/2019 21:51

My first baby was very high maintenance - cried a lot, was v unsettled, and had colic.

I mentioned going to a wedding with him upthread - he cried a lot there - made it v stressful. DH had to take him out of the ceremony while the couple said their vows, and I had to keep taking him out during the meal/speeches. It was a nightmare, I have to admit. Also my best friend's wedding, so I wouldn't have missed it, but it was constant hard work. There were several babies there actually, including a one week old. I really take my hat off to her!

DS1 is 17 and wonderful now Grin

thebakerwithboobs · 10/10/2019 21:51

YABVVVU! And hugely PFB. It's your best friend's wedding. I'm honestly astounded that you'd already decide that you can't attend. You'll have a two month old baby and, I'm assuming here so apologies if not, a partner to help you? A two month old sleeps, eats and shits. That's it. A long car journey with a tiny baby is far easier than it would be with an older child. You will always regret binning it off. I would have been genuinely heartbroken if my best friends had missed my wedding.

namechangetheworld · 10/10/2019 21:52

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP. There's no way I would have travelled that far to attend a wedding with a baby that age in tow. You won't enjoy it, and baby won't either. Your friend has every right to be disappointed, but that's no excuse to speak to you like that.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 21:53

She asked for a definite yes or no for food etc and I just don't see how I can commit to it really. I don't want to let her down but I'd rather do it now than in April/ May!

Invitations haven't been sent out yet. She won't be getting definite numbers until around April/May! And even at that numbers can change right up to the day.

I think your title says it all. 'Best friend'. You're not too bothered. It sounds like even if you weren't pregnant you wouldn't be that bothered about going and would be doing so under duress. I think the friendship has definitely been fractured now. But maybe it's for the best. You both have very different views on the friendship.

Original poster
HappyMondayKidz · 10/10/2019 21:53

@thebakerwithboobs I don't even know if DP would be able to come to be honest. He can't really take any more leave from work as it'll all be booked already for when he has his daughter and his organisation are difficult about unpaid leave and we can't afford that anyway!

OP posts:
Oct18mummy · 10/10/2019 21:54

Personally as long as she’s happy to have babies at the wedding I would make the effort to travel for your best friends wedding, the baby will be fine.

You could also go to hen party I went to my friends heavily pregnant and would go out to the first part of the evening then go back to apartment when they all went clubbing- it worked fine I think she was just glad I made the effort to go x

ittakes2 · 10/10/2019 21:55

You get to decide how you want to mother your baby - but I would not have let having a 3 month old keep me from going to my best friends wedding even if it was overseas. My s’n’law took her 2 week old baby on a 12 hour long haul plane flight - for me this was too young but she was fine with it.

WAGatha · 10/10/2019 21:57

@HappyMondayKidz the money is an excuse, you knew it would cost just the same before you were pregnant, your saving money not going on the 2 Hen Nights.?

Jenasaurus · 10/10/2019 21:58

its interesting the comments about how easy babies are to travel and will sleep etc, I must have been unlucky as mine cried constantly. There is another thread on here at the moment about a mum being asked to leave the waiting room because her screaming baby was upsetting the other people waiting for a doctors appointment, so not all babies are quiet and content in public.

Basil90 · 10/10/2019 21:58

YABU and quite honestly very selfish. It's fairly easy to travel with an 8 week old. She's your best friend and it's her wedding!!

thebakerwithboobs · 10/10/2019 21:58

OP I'm sorry but now you're just making excuses. If you don't want to go, then own it and say so. If you're not sure your partner can get leave, find out! If he can't, make a plan B-your best friend would likely say if he can't come you can bring another plus one to help with the baby. It's as though you've decided it's not possible (even though 99% of mothers on this thread are telling you that travelling with a tiny baby is a piece of piss) and so you don't want to find a solution. That's fine, of course, but don't dress it up as anything other than you don't want to go.

I have honestly never written anything that harsh before, but this is your best friend. Put yourself out.

ChooChooItsAllAboutYou · 10/10/2019 21:59

Split the journey to Scotland up on the way there and back.

ELM8 · 10/10/2019 21:59

You're not sounding like much of a MOH.. there are a lot of excuses? Someone else's wedding might not be the most convenient for you but a good friend sucks it up.

See it from her point of view - you won't commit to your DP coming/not coming, there's the baby being used as an excuse but also money and travelling. It just sounds like you don't want to go tbh.

That's your prerogative but yes YABU and so you can't be surprised she's not speaking to you Confused

Jenasaurus · 10/10/2019 21:59

Also some people actually have child free weddings for that very reason, so I undersand the Ops concerns about going.

thebakerwithboobs · 10/10/2019 21:59

@Jenasaurus to be fair, the baby on the other thread is much older, not really comparable.

SallyWD · 10/10/2019 21:59

We flew to southern Europe with my DD when she was about 7 weeks old. It was fine. Small babies are very portable and it's MUCH easier than travelling with a toddler! I would skip the hen do and go to the wedding.

MutedUser · 10/10/2019 22:02

What @thebakerwithboobs said is spot on. There is always an excuse not to go somewhere and you seem to want to find new things to add to the pot. You clearly don’t want to go. I’m sure there will be others travelling down together for you to have company. You just can’t see past anything other than you not going. Just own it and maybe the friendship will survive and maybe it won’t .

WAGatha · 10/10/2019 22:03

Your updates are getting worse @HappyMondayKidz
Your just awful full stop about her.

Savingforarainyday · 10/10/2019 22:04

Why did you get pregnant after agreeing to be a MOH? You sound so self centred it's quite untrue

F'n hell!!! So if OP has been trying to conceive, then she just puts her life on hold??

I'm amazed at people's responses! I wouldn't dream of being upset if one if my friends couldn't come to my wedding because of that reason.

People who have had babies have the experience to draw from, but OP doesn't.
She could potentially be exhausted, she could have a baby that cries constantly.... travelling with all that stuff....

When mine was that age, I decided not to go to MiL's for Christmas. My baby didn't sleep- I was tired. The last bloody thing I wanted to do was travel, with ALL the stuff, and then be a guest.

Give the OP a break- she has no idea what she will be dealing with.

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