To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

Ha ha ha! I posted before I'd read your last post.

You want to take your own breakfast! Christmas lunch isn't till 3pm. Jesus, you're hard work.

I refuse to travel and so I host for everyone. Even back when I had a small house and it was a very tight squeeze. Everyone had fun and that was the aim. To be fair no one has ever complained but PIL have asked us to go but 3 hours drive, 3 kids plus gifts doesn't work for us.

OP, just eat breakfast before you go. It's ridiculous that she should dictate to you that you can't eat on that day before 15:00 and its ridiculous if you follow her instructions

This decision is between you and DH. Your MIL does not get a say in what you decide to do. You do not have to be 'fair' to her; you only have to be 'fair' to DH and his feelings about this.

That said, you should recognize that, at some point, DH may want to spend at least some of Christmas Day with his family (and he may wish for your DC to do so as well). If he does, I think you should try to compromise for his sake, not for the sake of anyone else.

Some things to possibly think about, if you talk to DH, and he feels like he'd like his parents to be more involved around the holidays:

• When old enough, DC is likely to want to do the same thing every year (or at least, this is what I wanted as a child, maybe not true for all). You will develop traditions that will be important to DC, and could potentially be disrupted if you have to alternate. Is there a way that you can make each year 'fair' (according to you and DH - nobody else)?
• If DH is not happy with just having Boxing Day with his family, what is it that he feels he's actually missing? Are there Christmas traditions that could happen on Boxing Day with his family instead of on Christmas Day (i.e. DC opening presents from MIL/FIL at their house on Boxing Day, for example)? Does the actual day matter? If so, can you invite MIL/FIL over for some part of the day? Is there some other way they could be involved, say on Christmas Eve? This will depend on what DH enjoys most and what traditions he wants to pass on to DC.

I hope this helps. FWIW, I'm pregnant at the moment, and once DC arrives, I personally will not alternate. I want to be at home every year to build up family traditions with DC. That said, I will try to include both my parents and MIL equally (FIL and partner are not close), but only because it is important to my partner to see MIL at Christmas, and because MIL is not horrible to be around (just odd). YMMV.

Oh wait, you stay over from Christmas Eve Are you saying she won't feed anyone until 15:00 on Christmas day?

I realise she's toxic and you can't negotiate or argue with batshit, but would it be an idea to suck it up and go this year BEFORE your DC really 'gets' Christmas? He'll be 2, which is a nice age but they don't understand the magic of advent and Father Christmas and all that stuff.

Next year, when he's 3 and will understand all that you can have it at yours. And then when he's 4 you can find a reason why you can't go to MIL's. Or maybe your DH will have seen the light by then.

OP, you have this all wrong. It isn't your mil it's your dh.
He chose to be with her at Christmas for 6 years, he chooses to sit and play games like a child instead of pulling his weight.
He's a drip and not interested in you and dc just pleasing his mother.
Tell him none of you are going xmas day, see if he still goes, that will be your answer.

venusandmars I mean we are not allowed breakfast. No food is offered or allowed until 3pm. Have offered to make my own breakfast - met with a no from mil. Have offered to bring and make my own breakfast - met with a no from mil. So I'm being unreasonable for wanting breakfast now????? I would happily make it myself if it was allowed

GPatz yes if you stay on Christmas eve no food is allowed on Christmas day until 3-4pm when Christmas Dinner is served

Alternate between your parents and his on xmas day but THEY come to you.

As children we had to leave our new toys and books and sweets every year within 30 mins of opening them to spend they day at our cousins house and seeing them play with their new toys. I swore when i was older my children would not be made to leave their house. My mum doesn't live in this country so its not an issue so in laws come to us.

There is no reason why they have to have you on Christmas days itself- boxing day can be just as special.

You have to hide and try to secretly eat snacks you brought in the bedroom (hoping she doesn't just barge in on you) otherwise mil will get annoyed

OP Just tell your MIL you will not be going to hers on Christmas Eve - you have too much to do and you like to settle down with a Christmas film and a sherry when DC has gone to bed. You will see them at x time on Christmas Day. It isn't difficult.

Anyway I thought a traditional Christmas Day breakfast was to rummage through the DC's stockings to find the chocolate? 🤔 It's tradition in my house anyway....

So just go on Christmas day, after you've eaten breakfast at home. Or behave like children and eat in your bedroom!

X post

venusandmars so it's okay for a grown women to scream at other adults for eating food? Why should I have to travel for 2 hours on Christmas day disrupting my dc's Christmas for a women that will complain its not enough?

Did MIL spend every other Christmas with her MIL? If not there's your answer. YANBU.

You're clearly not going to go. You don't want to go. You don't have to go.

You don't want MIL to come to you either. Fine.

Your husband clearly doesn't have a backbone so why don't you just tell her you and DS aren't going because you want him to be able to spend the day enjoying himself in his own home.

DH can make his own decision on what he's doing.

Your MIL sounds batshit crazy. What do you mean she doesn't allow you to eat breakfast? Tell her it's none of her business if and when you eat breakfast. Is she holding a gun to your head telling you you can't eat breakfast? Like what would she do if you said I'm eating breakfast.

Also, YANBU. Your MIL sounds rotten to the core. I wouldn't want to spend any day in her company, never mind Christmas Day.

I don't understand the not allowed breakfast thing. I would simply be making food and eating it whatever she said. What happens if you just do that?

I might

The words you're using to reply to posters, about your MIL, is making her sound incredibly abusive.

I wonder if MIL has had a similar upbringing or values the traditions she's made with her kids. She has very extremist ways/thoughts/views with people, and I'm shocked with the abuse you all get, yet there's only you willing to say the odd thing, here and there, to her - (by the way, I'm genuinely wondering, and am not wanting to be sarcastic at all. I think this is actually quite serious ).

I Might have missed this op but cant see where you have said that you have invited them to yours?

I think Christmas is about your family and young children. there is no way in hell that I would drag my ds to anyones house when we have our own home to relax and my ds can play in.
so we invited families over and everyone brings a meal. If you come then great and if you cant then great too. Your MIL has had her time raising her children and doing what she wants with them. She doesn't then get to dictate what happens with her gc. fuck that.

Yanbu. Did she spend every year alternating and running round here and there or did she have all of you dh’s youth at home and now wants you to carry on even though she never did?

Well while your MIL does seem madder than a box of frogs, at some point you married his son who allows her to act like this and plays fucking video games while you cook Xmas dinner? She's not the only one who's facilitating a man child, it seems.
Cop yourself on, love!

I'm sorry op, I think yabu.

Every other is fair and reasonable. Th said you clearly have so much hatred for this woman (who raised your dh so can't be all bad?) that any time you spend together must be horribly uncomfortable, with a poisonous atmosphere. I pity your dh