To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

Could you squeeze in MIL and FIL? The siblings don't need to be invited (and makes it more likely for her to refuse your offer, bonus).

You seem to be holding a grudge to has happened previously with MIL. She’s now saying she would like to alternate. If you’re not wiling to do it because you’re annoyed with her having the monopoly years ago then I think yabu.

DH spend Christmas with MIL because she pressured him to. It's taken a long time to cut the apron strings. She thinks she should have full control of his entire life.

Also my parents have no one else, no other children and their parents have died. Mil has other children.

We live 1 and a half hours away so can't just pop in.

So it's okay for Mil to pressure dh to spend Christmas with her when my grandfather died. And then next year say it could be his grandmothers last Christmas? Zero compassion from her

You say you are still cross DH didn't spend Christmas with you after your grandfather died, and you are blaming your MIL for this.
Your MIL may have the wrong i expectations and may put pressure on him... but every bit of your resentment should be with him. He's old enough to make decisions and priorities and it's entirely his fault and decision. Not hers

Alternate.... but Christmas day only so the year you do Christmas there you have Boxing day at home. Show you can compromise without bring a walk over.

It's more I can't forgive mil for saying "It could be DH's grandmother's last Christmas" after my grandfather had died the first time dh would not be spending Christmas at her house.

She made her bed. Sod her! Do what you want.
I never travel at Christmas - I invite people over after lunch but I said long ago that I wasn't willing to drag my kids to grandparents houses on Christmas day when they just want to be at home with their toys. And it's your Christmas too - mil's wishes aren't more important than yours
Although I will add that a lot of mils get blame for what is really a weak arse husband problem. Your dh ought to have been with you during some of those 6 years where he went to his mum's. You are blaming her entirely but half the blame should be placed on your husband.

What does DH and the DC want to do?

Odd the voting is in my favour but the comments are not

Very selfish of you. The fair thing to do is alternate. But you're not bothered about being fair you just want to upset your MiL.

It wasn't her fault DH didn't have the balls to stand up to her and have Christmas with you. That was down to him.

Are you always this controlling? Poor DH.

whilst its nice to see parents of either variety over the christmas period we no longer live close enough to see everyone on the same day - you and DH have your own family now and the occasional Christmas with parents is fine but the being tied to every other and constant sniping about what where when and how much is too much generally - I would make a point of saying not thii syear but next year we will come for x - ie Christmas day for a visit in am or pm or evening but not all of it. I don't think its fair to kids to never have Christmas in their own homes!! I don't ever remember being away for Christmas itself but remember lots of visits etc

Well from your last post it seems to me that you don’t really want suggestions. You just want posters to validate your decision to spend every Christmas in your own home with your parents.

Alternate, its the only fair way.

But its clear you want your own way every time, so this is a pointless thread.

(Oh and its Christmas tradition in most families to squeeze 10 or more people round a table meant for 6 - it's all part of the fun!)

She’s your husbands mum and your children’s grandmother, it seems quite unhelpful to hold a grudge against her forever when she is, albeit belatedly, trying to compromise. Just invite her to yours and when she says no say you’ll spend it with them next year instead. You can’t always see your family at the exclusion of his.

You don't have to invite DH's whole family, but you can still invite MIL & FIL as a gesture - even if it is a fairly empty one as you know they won't accept. You are not obliged to invite dhs siblings just because that is what they normally do, just as IL's are not obliged to accept the invite.

I can understand why you are annoyed with previous goings on, but it is really down to your DH as much as your MIL and if you drag it on forever by only spending Christmas with your parents then it really won't help the situation at all.

We live a distance in opposite directions from both sets but we both have siblings on each side.

We only visit 1 side sometime between Christmas and new year. Christmas Day always at home and we invite the side we are not visiting. If they choose not to come and they visit or host another sibling that is fine, that is their choice.

But we decided Christmas Day is always at home.

Spend it at home.

Dc is 22 months old so doesn't have opinion on the matter. Dh could go on his own if he is that bothered. Also mil didn't want us to have children because she is a toxic controlling *** (toxic inlaw book describes her perfectly) so she can't know suddenly want to spend Christmas with the dc. She was devastated when we told her I was pregnant because she can't stand to see her son as a grown adult. Yes I'm very bitter towards this women and as my username suggests I actually hate her

YANBU. You see her on Boxing Day!

I would however I vote her (just her and FIL if he's about) and if they say no, they say no. They could drop over after their own lunch for presents if they want?

M

Don't spend Christmas with someone you hate. Obviously there's more going on here than just where you spend Christmas.

Christmas Day is a day to be spent in your own home when you've got young children. When they're more or less grown up they usually begin wanting to do their own thing which is fine.
If you can manage a visit to relatives in the evening fine, but I always kept visiting for Boxing Day. I preferred having my little family totally enjoying ourselves with no pressures or unpleasantness, in our jammies as long as we wanted & making our own little traditions. I still hang the paper Transformer my eldest made for the tree aged 5 & leave Santa's port & mince pies on the same Santa tray last thing on Christmas Eve, even though we're only occasionally all together over the holidays. Happy memories aren't just for the kids.

Invite just your MIL and FIL, DH's siblings will probably be pleased to have a Christmas by themselves (could you get them on side with this?)

How many years has it been since you last spent Christmas at your ILs?

If she won’t come without the rest then it’s her loss. Boxing Day it is.

Your MIL hasn't come to terms with the fact that her son is now an adult with his own family and responsibilities. And he, for fear of upsetting her, is letting her keep on pulling those apron strings.

My DH was like this. It was very infuriating. I can see you are bitter about how the past 6 years has gone, but you need to put it right and forget the past now.

Your MIL said something marvelous - she said that the years should be alternated!! So, drop it casually into the conversation that you thought HER idea of alternating the years would be the best way forwards. You could say - as we saw you last year, we will spend xmas at ours/my parents this year. OR, we will spend xmas at yours this year, and at my parents next year. Then stick to it.