To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

NoSauce he hardly every addresses his mil about her behaviour and if he does she makes out like I'm the problem. She think family should just be able to barge into your bedroom and know every intimate detail of your life. When I say I don't want it, it's me trying to drive a wedge between family according to her. It's always me being awkward according to her

Seaandsand83 about 22

Look op - you can argue with everyone on here, you can fight your case, and you can do whatever the hell you like for christmas. Yes, she was inflexible before (not alternating) , yes she's an absolute shitbag for saying it could have been his grandmothers last christmas in an effort to guilt trip him. Yes, she sounds like she is controlling her son.

This does not detract from the fact that she is now saying to alternate christmases. It is now YOU who is actively saying no. You want to get back at her for all those times, you want to throw all your toys out of the pram in an act of defiance to show her that, you know, tit-for-tat. If you thought she was acting childish and being an absolute basket case then, well, congratulations, youre doing the same now. All for what? To get back at her?

I feel sorry for your husband and children the most. You clearly hate her, its it plain as day to see, and youre dragging your husband and kids into this. Will you make them choose where to spend christmas? Or will it just be you choosing? Good luck whatever you do, and yes, i have in-laws who are toxic too, a million times worse than your MIL so before you accuse me of not knowing what I'm talking about, i do. Im sorry for your situation, but currently, youre not helping it.

Does your H agree with his mum or you?

Well done for going low contact, and grey rock. But still doesn't change my questions about whether you are willing to compromise at all?

Go once, just for Christmas Day. Then not again for several years.
Or on one of the years when BIL is not there, invite PILs and SIL to yours, instead of inviting your parents.

It sounds like you've been quite good at standing up to her at times, so just TELL her what time you're arriving on Christmas, eat, open presents then leave - after all you've got a long drive home and a little one to get to bed... (and presumably your parents to see on Boxing Day). Grey rock all her moans, pressure etc. Then next year just STATE that you will be at home.

Tbh, if I had a DiL who hated me as much as you do, then I'd be disappointed about a pregnancy - not because I didn't want my ds to be a parent or to find happiness, but because I'd be sad about a difficult MIL / DIL relationship[ knowing it would affect my relationship with dgc.

But it's ALL her fault isn't, OP? You are only willing to repeat your hatred of her, you haven't said what your dh thinks / wants. You haven't mentioned what compromise you might be willing to make.

Let's face it OP. You and your MIL were cut from the same cloth. Both demanding, both spiteful and neither willing to compromise. Your MIL wants to see her DS and GC at Christmas. She doesn't want to see you. You can either stand united with your DP and all go for a few hours- every 3 years! or let DP take his DS to spend time with in laws and you go to your parents.

The choice is yours.

My first MIL sounds very much like yours. I wouldn't have chosen to spend any time in her company. I did because she was my DH mother and grandmother to my children.

DH spend Christmas with MIL because she pressured him to

You husband is an adult, he needs to stand up to her, or maybe he actually enjoys spending Christmas with his parents and siblings and it's you he needs to be honest with.

Either way, I could cope with a hubby who wouldn't stand up for himself.

Its your husbands fault he wasn't there when your grandfather died, your anger is aimed in the wrong direction,

You sound really bitter, I'm not saying its unjustified, it just sounds horrible and I'm sure it's not nice for your husband and won't be nice for your 20month old once they are old enough to understand.

It sound petty that you won't do every other because she didn't (you sound 10years old).

No, you shouldn't "have" to do anything you do not wish to do on Christmas, sometimes in marriage, people compromise in order to help their partner out.

One day Every other year is the most fair way, IMO

Would it be an option to book to eat out on Christmas Day so everyone could attend ?

venusandmars I didn't hate her when I got pregnant. She became worse and more toxic afterwards.

What’s she like with her GC???

You still haven't told us what your husband wants. Or does he not matter?

NoSauce not that great. Barely interested in seeing him. When she sees him occasionally she is more interested in talking to my DH like a child and telling him what to do rather than interacting with dc

NoSauce I get the vibe that dc is an inconvenience to her

That’s sad to read. What’s your husbands take on that? Does it upset him?

And what’s his take on all of this, surely he must have an opinion?

I bet your DH thinks the same about your mum too, plonking herself at your table every christmas. Quite convenient how the drip feeding only started when people started telling you how unreasonable you are

NoSauce he said he thought his mum would be more interested in our dc. So that bit does upset him. He doesn't talk about it much other than the few times he has said that

How about you spend Christmas Day with your parents, then go to MILs on Boxing Day. Following year, spend Christmas Day with MIL, and Boxing Day with your parents. Decide Boxing Day will be a very special day for you and your DCs when your parents are there. Forgive your MIL for her comment - life is too short. Your resentment eats away at you and does your MIL no harm. I had 3 sets of parents to visit at Christmas (in-laws, my DM and her DH, my DD and his DW), and we did this sort of thing.

Teddybear45 I do all the cooking and cleaning while dh relaxes playing video games. Which he enjoys and he wouldn't get to do that at mil's. She would be bossing him around. Also my mum isn't a toxic controlling narc like DH's mother is. Dh actually likes my mum

It's so sad to see how this has got a real strong hold of you. It's clearly an awful situation to be in.

No matter what anyone asks you though, it'll be a very skewed reply, as you've got such a strong hatred of her. I'm not saying she's not toxic, but you're not going to think rational with such strong feelings, and it won't necessarily be objective.

You don't mention how your DH feels in all of this - despite being asked numerous times.

A tough situation all round, but compromise is needed in relationships (home, work, family etc) and we all need to do things we're not 100% happy about.

Good luck.

It just won't be enough if we go on Christmas day. It will have to be Christmas eve and staying until boxing day. We will have to get up when she wants and do what she wants. So of she can't be pleased no matter what, why bother?

I'm friends with someone who always has his DW's family round - not just Christmas - he really likes her parents and says he doesn't mind them being round. Except he does, no matter how much he likes them and they have common interests. It's natural and allowed.

@ MaryPoppinsUmberellaHandle - exactly. Every person I know whose partners prioritise their parents for special events thinking they’re better, dislike them - whether secretly or publicly. OP is being naive thinking she’s the only one in the family with a troublesome mil.

So your (d)h does nothing to help at Christmas, no wonder he likes your mum if you let him sit playing games doing bugger all, yet his mother made him work when you went there? It sounds like you’ve got a real peach.

'I bet your DH thinks the same about your mum too, plonking herself at your table every christmas'

He's not there normally, is he? He's with his DM and family.

Not help cooking the Christmas Dinner. Help with chopping vegetables. It's more dictating to us every moment we are there. We also arnt allowed breakfast, arnt allowed to bring anything for breakfast to make and eat ourselves and dinner isn't served until 3pm.

It just won't be enough if we go on Christmas day. It will have to be Christmas eve and staying until boxing day. We will have to get up when she wants and do what she wants. So of she can't be pleased no matter what, why bother?

You DON'T have to go Christmas Eve till Boxing Day. You just state (as said above) what time you will be arriving and leaving on Christmas Day. Be an adult. State your plans. If she can't accommodate that, you have your get out.

Or does your dh want to spend some extended time with his siblings?

When my family come to stay for Christmas I like to have plans. With lots of people to cater for I like to know when people will be up in the morning, opening stockings, exchanging presents. If we've got young children with us (dgc these days) we all accept that they get up early in the morning, and for one day in the year we cope with that so we can share in their excitement. I like to have family breakfast, champagne etc. I hate to be stuck in the kitchen while everyone else is opening presents elsewhere so I need to be able to plan my day. I'd hate someone to be opting out gaming on their own. That makes me sounds as controlling and difficult as your MIL.