To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

You need to sit down and have a talk with your dh because he is a massive part of the problem.

Calmly explain to him (write down points if you need to) what you’re feeling, why and what you think should happen. It doesn’t sound like you two have had a thorough discussion about this if ever. Keep to saying “I feel...” and to how this has been effecting you and how you feel about his support. Bring up his mum’s behaviour, but still keep it to “I feel when she does xyz..” don’t call her names or be rude about her. Ask him what he thinks, feels and what he wants to do about the situation and let him speak freely. Don’t interrupt him. Once he has finished, talk about what he said and try to find a solution.

I don’t think MIL should get Christmas Day because she wants it. It is your Christmas as well as your husband and child’s and you two should be able to choose how you spend it whether it’s together or apart. There is Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, perhaps your family gets one day and his gets the other, and you alternate each year who gets which of those days.

I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with someone I don’t get on with and most people wouldn’t either especially if they’re going to treat you bad on top of it.

Your DH was responsible for the decisions he made, not your MIL. He did not have to do what she wanted.

And the OP was responsible for her actions. She didn’t have to go. She was invited and went. MIL can’t have been that bad eh.

@AllTheUserNamesAreTaken no, DS can stay with OP as if MIL is that much of a nightmare why would you want your child around her?

Then it's up to DH where he wants to spend his Xmas. Good luck to him...😬

The op might not want her child to spend time with the mil, but if the dad does it's tough. He's their parent too

Christmas is about goodwill and giving. Spreading love and joy.
It’s not about self-centred hedonism. Sometimes, and particularly at Christmas, we should put others needs and wishes ahead of our own otherwise we are teaching our children that relationships aren’t important and life is all about our personal preferences - sure fire way to misery.
Alternating is good. Doing it with kindness, compassion and goodwill is even better.

As the Father, OPs DH also gets to decide whether he'd like his DC to visit family, or not, at Christmas/on Christmas Day.

There's clearly siblings & cousins too.

OP really needs to talk and listen so they can compromise and find a way through this. Otherwise, she will end up in an alternative Christmas Day setup by default, due to her and DH separating.

DH has asked mil what she thinks about her and fil coming here for Christmas. She was furious with the suggestion because it has to be the whole family for a sit down meal, DH's brother, sister, their two partners, his gran, aunt and cousin. Even the suggestion of a buffet type thing for his family was met with a no.

Stephminx thanks, good advice

NoSauce it took me a while to realise how toxic she was. And she became worse when I started not giving into her demands. Then she got worse when me and dh got married and had children. I can now see she is definitely toxic and would not trust her unsupervised with my dc. She is the controller, the manipulator and the critic from the book toxic inlaws by Susan Forward.

Don't his siblings do alternate Christmas's though? So next year when brother and sister are at their respective ILs, MIL and FIL can come to you.

According to her his Gran won't be around next Christmas anyway.

Sorted.

Why can't you just take bread and make yourself toast for breakfast on Xmas day, and eat it v e r y calmly while she screams at you, then give a shake of your head as if you can't believe a grown up could behave as she does, calmly clear away when you've finished. It's ridiculous that you all allow her to force you to fast for so long, and your dcs deserve better.

Or, just tell her you'll be popping round on Xmas Eve to drop off gifts but won't be staying

Or say that there will be a buffet meal provided at your between these times if she and fil want to drop in....

Decide what you are going to do and then tell her. You write or email if you don't want to witness her reaction, but equally u can deliver your message and hang up the phone or leave the house.

Frankly I just don't believe that the mil is fully evil. Otherwise the dh and his siblings wouldn't be so keen to spend every Christmas there. Furthermore OP has spent Christmases with mil, and if they were so terrible she wouldn't have stood more than one. She certainly wouldn't have kept returning for more if the mil's treatment of her was so abhorrent.

I know what it's like to dislike a mil. My mil was pretty awful, and I know that one can work oneself up into a knot of almost hatred and interpret every single one of their actions negatively. Stuff that if your own dm did you wouldn't bat an eyelid, if you looked at things brutally honestly and dispassionately.

All I know is that trying to estrange your dh from his family is going to end in tears. Maybe not now, but sure as eggs is eggs it will cause trouble. I agree with pp that you need an honest discussion with your dh and one that doesn't just consist of "I hate your dm".