To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

YABU

We alternate - Christmas day with my family and boxing day with DH family then swap around the next year and so on. It works well and then you get to see everybody without anyone feeling left out.

You need to let go of the past and be the bigger person. Yes your husband wasn't there at Christmas when YOUR grandad had died but that was his decision. Holding onto all this resentment and anger is never going to allow you to move forward

Teddybear45 time with the grandkid she didn't want to be born

OP if you aren’t happy to alternate with your ILS then the only fair option (and I meant fair to your DH who you supposedly love) is;
Alternate every year.
Invite both sides of the family every year.
See one side of the family Christmas Eve and the others on Boxing Day but Christmas Day just you, DH and DC.

I hate visiting relatives at Xmas
I’m antisocial anyway but can’t cope with it all. Too noisy and everyone ends up ill so we stopped
I also have a shit family and don’t like 90% of them so we stay at home or go out just us (me dh and dcs)

Tell your family you were going to have a small Christmas this year? Or go to hers just got this year to break the cycle (I'm assuming your family assume you'll host them forevermore). Sad you hate your mil, must be a tough one (for all of you)

so OP should spend every other Christmas without her kids just so that mil can have her own way? Fuck that.

So DH can't ever have Christmas Day with his parents and child because the op insists that every Christmas is spent with her parents and you think that's fair?

If the op and her DH split up then she will definitely only spend every other Christmas with her child won't she?

Ps most places could host more th ask that number, you'd just have to get people squish i ng in, ask others for chairs etc

We are miseries and flat out refuse to be anywhere but home for Christmas day itself. Although one year I had both sets of parents over and did a big dinner.

That won't be repeated as it was a pain.

Saves any hassle at all and no worry about either set of grandparents and whose turn it is.

Of course the rest of the Christmas holidays we do see everyone, it's nice to have a few different meet ups and spreads the present giving/receiving out. And it's wonderful to be just us at home on the 25th. (I also quite like having the 24th to ourselves to prepare for Santa's visit and look for him in the sky and put out reindeer food etc. But if it's the only day we have to see mine or DH family then we do that instead.

Surely when your grandfather died your parents appreciated having you at home by yourself rather than with dh and he was only a boyfriend then as you say hanging around. The job then was to support your bereaved parent, rather than your dm having to cater for and entertain someone else. That situation was quite different to the current dilemma.

YANBU - We stopped the "but it is not fair!" game by finding excuses the first few years and now everybody just accepts that we celebrate without parents. Newsflash: Life is not fair, get over it.

This is especially true with a narc-MIL, avoid her at all cost. Her offer to alternate will definitely turn into "but you were here last year, it is a tradition now!" Nope.

That being said, it is worth checking how your DH feels about having your parents over. If he puts you first by ignoring his mothers requests (at last), offering him the option to have Christmas with just his wife and child seems sensible.

How does your DH feel about the fact that you hate his mother?

@AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil I'd just stay in my own house every year and invite PIL and your parents to come. You know the ILs won't come, so there's no fear of having too many. And when you/Dh does invite them make sure it's clear the invite is just for them, not siblings etc. That way they cannot complain that they don't see you as they have chosen to decline your invite. You have a small child and would rather stay in your own house. That's totally understandable. Christmas is one fucking day. We see relatives either side of that day if it suits. When our parents were alive they were invited here. If they didn't want to come then we couldn't force them. But we stayed in our own house and visited them either side of the day. Don't feel bad. Unless your Dh is devastated not to see them for that one day then there really is no issue, given you see them at some stage over the holidays. MIL does not get to dictate!

Some years ago your DH chose to spend Christmas with his own family rather than spending it with you and your parents after you GFather died. He's stepped up and backed you since. You need to let it go. For your own sake, and that of your relationship. You are making yourself come across as unhinged to be honest.
She might be a nightmare but you can't control her behaviour, only your own. Look to your own little family. What does your DH want? Not what he thinks you want but what does he actually want?
If you are going to hold this against them for ever then crack on. If you are ever going to find a middle ground then, for what it's worth, this year may be the easiest one logistically : you dc is only 22 months and much more portable than a 3 year old with a bike to pull out of a stocking on Christmas morning!
Have you spoken to your DPs? They may not be bothered and be happy enough to come to you on Boxing Day instead. You are making this all about you and your relationship with your MIL ( who does sound difficult tbf) but you are not the only one affected here.

Usernamewillautodestrustin
She is manipulative and controlling and I spend YEARS submitting to her every request to keep DH and MIL happy. But after realising that nothing I did would make her actually like me I gave up. this is my Mil and what it was like for me. Then one day I said f**k it ill do what I want now. Went low contact and started to grey rock. Then I became the black sheep of the family. And this is why she was devastated I was pregnant

What is she like as a grandmother OP? Does she love her grandchildren and want to see them?

What is about you that she was so opposed to you having children with her son?

But they aren't divorced, Tequila, so it's irrelevant. If they were then the OP would be alternating so the kids could be with their father. No parent is under any moral obligation to give up Christmas with their dc so that a grandparent can have them!

If the DH really wants to alternate spending Christmas day with his mum, then the OP does have to take account of that. But she hasn't said he feels strongly about it so maybe he's inclined to do whatever gets him a quiet life.

I'd just alternate. That's what we do. It's fairest all round and at least you can properly relax and really enjoy the Christmas you spend at your own place

IrmaFayLear our situation isn't the same. Mil demanded every Christmas and boxing day for 7 years. Until I said no more

It's clear that she's been selfish and unfair towards you. Also that you hate her and don't want to spend time with her. But aren't you acting just the same way as she did? Being just as selfish? Your poor husband stuck in the middle! He should've stood up to her in the past, he should to you now. If I were him I'd bugger off to Barbados for Xmas!

(Ps the votes never show on my iPad)

We stay at home. I was dragged to other people's house every Christmas as a child and I ended up hating it and would dread it for weeks.

I would stay at home and alternate, host your parents one year and MIL the next

Does your dh want to spend Christmas day with his parents, or does he just feel guilty about not doing it?

The only reason for alternating is because you and your dh want different things. You don’t have to alternate to make it fair for the parents, or to please people who aren’t nice to you - you are people not toys.

Also you're close enough for day trips so Christmas day with one side and Boxing Day with the other. And some years “Christmas with ILs” involves inviting them to you - if they decline, well, that was still their turn.

OMG don't people make a drama of Christmas? It's just a day!

If you all live quite close together, see one set of parents on one day, and the other set on the other. Alternate if you want. But really there isn't much difference between Christmas Day and Boxing Day if you over the age of 10 so if you prefer being at home on Christmas Day, stick with it.

OP you sound very angry and that won't be doing you and your relationships any good at all. Do you think it might help to have therapy to help you deal with the issues you've had with MIL over the years? You somehow need to deal with them so that you haven't got suppressed anger. It will eat you up.

Your husband was the one who spent Christmas at MIL's when your GF died. He made that choice, irrespective of your MIL being manipulative. He could have chosen differently.

Your DH presumably wants a relationship with his mum and his family. It would be best for you to work out a way forward so that you all get on better.

Ah, so your dh owes you 7 years of Christmases before you have to discuss any kind of alternating then?

For the first 6 years you could have gone to your parents on your own or alternated at least OP so this is a red herring. You weren’t forced to go to your MILs, you were invited and chose to go. It’s too late in the day to use this against her now imo. It doesn’t count. There’s obviously a clash of personalities and what would seem a battle of wills between you both but now she is saying it would be fair to alternate, which I would agree with her.

I do feel sorry for your DH in all of this too.