To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

We do Xmas with my family and Boxing Day with dh family, basically another Xmas day. Just as special

Mil wants both Christmas day and boxing day. She wants us there on Christmas eve. She doesn't care about my parents getting any day. No doubt there will be some guilt trip to get both days next year

There are 3 homes, so MIL, dps and yours.

When it's at yours you could alternate between inviting your dps or mil (but not the rest of her family), and they can come or not, or you could keep it for just you dh and dcs.

That seems fair to me.

My DH is an only child and I have siblings and find going to my inlaws for Christmas excruciatingly boring, as do DC. DC really want to be with their cousins but I am always saddened at the thought of my inlaws spending the day alone (they are lovely people) so they have always been invited to spend Christmas Day with my family regardless of who hosts (me, siblings or my parents.) This keeps everyone happy and it's only two extra people. Inlaws are so grateful to be included and always contribute to the day by bringing loads of wine, beer and gifts. There was never any need for them to bring food as there was always too much anyway, though they always offer to bring something.

OP as an only child, I would hate to think of your parents being on their own on Christmas Day, that is, unless they genuinely want to be. If you really can't fit more people in to include all of DH's family then extend the invitation to include MIL. If she decides not to come then then that's her choice, at least she has other family she can spend the day with. Perhaps to make it easier, do alternate each year and see if the invitation can be extended to include your parents on the years you go to MIL's. Just explain to your DH and to MIL that you don't like your DP to be on their own on Christmas Day.

Families! Good luck!

We don't travel on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day now we have kids.

My parents and in laws are invited to come and join us for whichever part of it they feel like.

We don't see siblings generally. They have their own nuclear families.

If you go to MIL every single Boxing Day then that is more than sufficient.

But I would invite MIL and FIL for Christmas Day, even if they won't accept. Then it's up to them.

If you really hate her, then don't bother with Christmas Day either, no point the whole family being stressed.

OP I asked you what sort of GM she is now? And why was she so opposed to you having her sons child?

You just say that in future, you are spending Christmas Day as a nuclear family in your house.

Full stop.

Visitors are welcome but if they want Christmas dinner please tell you in advance, tea and cake/Christmas pud is fine, just pop in.

It is then up to people whether they come.

I'm guessing MIL doesn't think OP is good enough for her son, and once a baby was on the way, though OP had "snared" him.

@Nosauce is correct. You chose to go to your MIL's with your DH. You didn't have to. You could have spent it with your parents while DH went to his.

Your MIL is at fault.
Your DH is at fault.
You are at fault.

It really doesn't get you any further forward by just allocating blame though. Why don't you just draw a line over past behaviour and, going forward, see if extending the hand of friendship makes a difference. Call out any bad behaviour but try and get on (for your DH's sake).

Timeywimey10

I'm guessing MIL doesn't think OP is good enough for her son, and once a baby was on the way, though OP had "snared" him

I’m guessing that’s something like what the OP will say. But without hearing the MILs side of this story it’s hard to know whether that’s true or not.

NoSauce
I spend years submitting to Mil's every request to keep DH and MIL happy. But it was never enough, never good enough. There was always more I could do, more control she wanted over our lives. Control over everything down the the smallest thing like picking the gifts we would buy other people. Control over everything we did when we were at our house. What time we got up and what we would do. Every moment we were there was dictated by mil. She would come into the bedroom without knocking. Treated us like children. Then one day I said f**k it, there is no point, I'll do what I want now. Started to see her less, she didn't get every holiday. Didn't get to dictate what we buy others, how we spend our time. Started telling her less information about our lives. Started to grey rock more. Then I became the black sheep of the family because I told mil something she wasn't used to hearing "No". And this is why she was devastated I was pregnant

OP nobody would want to spend Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day at their in laws (or parents). That is an unrealistic expectation from your MIL.

BUT a few hours on Christmas Day every 3rd year isn't too much to ask or accept.

You are coming across as very selfish now. MIL's this year, your parents next year, your home the following year. Everyone is happy. If your MIL refuses your invitation that's her choice. She should still be invited.

Life is all about compromise.

NoSauce you probably have normal parents and inlaws that treat you like an adult and respect your boundaries. Mil doesn't. It's hard to imagine what it's like to have such toxic people in your life unless you have experienced it

God all this Xmas and in laws shit is a pita.
I sympathise. I would feel annoyed to that she had it on her terms for 6 years.
I just want to stay at home for the whole day but we never get to.

Would MIL invite your parents?
Would they go?

It’s not a big problem as your baby hasn’t a clue what’s going on but as they get older the busy house will become the favorite.

Did you live with her? Sorry I’m confused by the comment Every moment we were there was dictated by mil

Were you very young when you first met your H?

@AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil I think people who have nice or tolerable MIL don't get how incredibly hard it is to have to be around someone who resents your presence! I love and respect my DH so I give her 1 Christmas in every 3 and I suck it up so that my DH and DDs can see on on Christmas.

She does however know that she either gets Christmas Eve to early evening on Christmas day. The we drive the 2 hours home and I get to see my family on boxing day.

There is nothing in any rule book that says you HAVE to spend all 3 days with her. So the compromise could be...yes you will start alternating Christmas, but if you are there on Christmas day then boxing day is reserved for your family.

Your DH sees you as compromising and if she kicks off she looks bad not you. My DH is not blind to his DM ways but he does appreciate that I will be respectful and include her.

Absolutely NOT OP. I would be spending every Christmas in my own house with my own small kids, fuck this bullshit traipsing around 'rellies' houses to keep everyone happy. Christmas is about family, your OWN family, that is sat at your feet Christmas morning opening their gifts watching the magic in their eyes. InLaws want to see this they can get their lazy arses into their car and come over. Failing that tell your DH to go over, and you stay at home with the kids, properly relaxing.

I loathe these people that insist of everyone coming to THEIR houses at Christmas.. DO FUCK OFF.

I have sympathy for you. The thought of spending Christmas with MIL makes me feel cold. She also had my DH at her side for all christmases for the first 6 years of our relationship. The first year he said he’d come to stay with my family she hysterically cried and played the guilt card. ‘I’m not being controlling but I think you should care a bit more about what we’ll do this Christmas if we don’t see you. We’ll be all alone. Children should care’. Completely messed up parenting in my view. Rather than celebrating the fact your DS has found someone who loves him and wants to spend Christmas with him. They just wallow in self pity.

We’ve decided this year to spend it with my family, as we’ve given lots of special occasions to my ILs this year, only for them to become dramas of emotion and insecurity. Not sure what we’ll do after this year though, as distance means day trips aren’t possible, and it makes me sad to think that I’ll not have Christmas with my family (I have young siblings who still have the magic of Christmas) as the only ‘fair’ way to avoid spending our Christmas Day with ILs. I know she wouldn’t be satisfied with a Boxing Day arrangement.

So I don’t have a solution, but I feel your pain

NoSauce when I stayed for Christmas holidays and Easter. The entire time we were bossed around like children. If we didn't want to wake up at 7am to watch Sil open her presents then mil would come into our room to make us get up

I think to some degree you can do what you like for Christmas when you’re married and have dc etc as long as it’s fair on both sides of the family so as not to cause unwanted trouble for the husbands in all of this.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that he never spends another Christmas with his family if I’m honest because of the issues between his wife and mother.

I don’t think yabu to not want to go every year or to go for Christmas Day and Boxing Day though.

NoSauce when I stayed for Christmas holidays and Easter. The entire time we were bossed around like children. If we didn't want to wake up at 7am to watch Sil open her presents then mil would come into our room to make us get up

Well that certainly is annoying, has DH ever spoken to her to explain how this isn’t on, or indeed not to come in without knocking?

sorry but I think you're blaming your mil for your dh's own shortcomings. It was up to him to choose who he spent Christmas with previously. Was he not an adult with free will? I think this lies at the root of your current problem. Time for you all to grow up and behave like adults.

NoSauce that works for normal families not when one person is a toxic control freak. I would put it in the past if she would change her behaviour but she won't. I'll always be the problem dil because I won't give into her every demand and put up with being talked to like a child.

How old were you and DH when you got together?