To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

Odd the voting is in my favour but the comments are not

I think this might be because the voting and the conversation going on are actually different things. I don't think you're at all unreasonable for having Christmas in your own place and not going to MILs (voting buttons) but that's not quite the situation now being discussed.

I do think you're unreasonable to have Christmas with your family every year and never invite your ILs. I get that you're harbouring resentment from those 6 years, but really your DH should have put his foot down during those. I get that you're struggling for space, but a PP has suggested inviting your ILs and not DH's siblings which I think is a good compromise.

Sil wouldn't be happy with that. She expects to spend Christmas day with mother and siblings.

You say your MIL wants to have full control of your husbands life but now your doing exactly that! YABU, you should alternate each year.

and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house.

I would say you’ll alternate years, but this year it’s your parents’ turn!

Uhhhh I've been there. ExMil used to be a right pain over Christmas day. She'd cry down the phone come November, throw in the fact she was Religious even though she stopped going to Chruch 10 years ago and started going out and drinking more instead so deserved to have her DC and GDC's at hers all Xmas day more than we did. I just gave him for an easy life.

My Grandparents were very Religious and as kids we'd go round, and Gran would be wearing a gold cross, we'd say a prayer before dinner, get little Nativity books as gifts etc. I loved it as a kid because I loved the story. I loved the little stable and cotton wool snow and animals in their front room, I thought it was magical.

Christmas for my kids at MIL's is NOT magical! Nothing she ever did on the day was remotely Religious. It revolved around her drinking wine and baileys all day, mouthing off, getting all the attention, pointing out everyones flaws and upsetting everyone.

Can't you do alternate Christmases? Yours one year, hers the next?

No one should dictate someone elses Christmas. Especially when DC are young it should be magical, not a huge war.

@AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil it doesn't matter what SIL wants. Invite MIL and FIL. Then you've done your bit.

SIL doesn't get authority over her brother.

MIL can then decide what she wants to do and can't say it's your fault she doesn't see DC.

Hmmmm.

My advice is that hating your mil is not a good way to go on. I doubt very much that she didn't want you and dh to have children. I'm sure if we invited the mil onto this thread she'd be astonished.

The fact is nearly everyone is more comfortable with their own family, especially at Christmas. Other people have weird traditions, or weird relatives, or have lunch/open presents at weird times and watch weird things on television or play weird games. In fact they are just weird , whereas our own families, of course, do things in the right way . Some of us have "fun" families and it's a complete torture to sit in someone else's sitting room watching the Casualty Christmas special whereas you know your own family 100 miles away is enjoying a riotous game of charades.

But never mind your mil and how evil she is. You have a dh of whom you presumably are fond. For the sake of harmonious marital relations every other year is only fair.

One year I was so stressed about Christmas, whinging to a friend, and she said "Do what you want and let everyone else work around you". It was a real Road to Damascus moment. From then on I spent Christmas day at home, my children would go to ex for present-opening early on Christmas morning, and be at home for the rest of the time. FFS, who needs all the travelling and squatting in other people's houses when you want to relax at home and watch Christmas TV?

I also don't want to spend Christmas day with someone I hate alot! Her behaviour towards me and dh has been very toxic, controlling and manipulative to bring me to the point I hate her. Frankly I would rather have a dinner with Katie Hopkins

Are you snow white in all of this OP? Truthfully?

Your husband just stands by and let’s his mother treat you badly for NO apparent reason? I’m finding that hard to digest. For someone to be so upset that their DIL is pregnant tells me there’s a lot more to this than being said.

Why did you bother posting? So you could show DH and he could upset his mom?
What does he want?

I'm firmly of the feeling that once you have DC Christmas can be at home and it trumps everything else. That said, we have MIL and parents nearby-ish so we have convoluted 'head to one for Christmas Day tea and one for a couple of hours on Boxing Day morning' type scenarios but the bulk of the time we spend in our own house so the kids can play with their new toys. Anyone who wants to see them is welcome to come here - we might even feed them ;)

I know this sounds quite blunt and mostly with both our families DH and I aren't that prescriptive. But we got into such a tangle with making sure everyone got a 'fair' portion of Christmas when the DC were little that no-one was happy, we were miserable and one memorable year DD, then three, spent six hours of Christmas Day in the car. No more.

You don't have the option to hate her an refuse to have Christmas with her. That is your DH's mother and you have to grin and bear it whether you like it or not, for the sake of your relationship with your DH and because you love him....?

It's possible that you do not have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. He needs to force her to learn that he's and adult and insist that she treats him and you with respect. So when she clicks her fingers and he comes running on xmas day, he should have told her that he is currently at your parents spending xmas there, or whatever he was doing. He is allowing her to treat him like a child with no responsibilities.

When I asked to alternate before it was a no from mil and dh listened. So to me it seems too little too late.

This is really petty. And you’re actually behaving in the same way as her insisting that Christmas is always at home with your choice of invitees. They do say women often marry women just like their mothers.

Oh for god's sake "You don't have the choice to hate her grin and bear it" Have you met a toxic MIL? Have a look at the stately homes thread-you are insane if you think the OP needs to follow your advice. Frankly my relationship would've ended if my spouse failed to support me with a grandparent's death at Christmas.

Incidentally I think votes on threads like this are worthless. People see ‘in laws’ in the title and press YANBU without even reading.

The dripping on these threads just gets better and better,

I alternate between my parents and mil every year, I think it’s only fair, I’m not always happy doing it but my child’s relationship with his grandma is the most important thing

So much time and energy being wasted on keeping the hate going. You sound like a bit of a nightmare yourself tbh. I feel a bit sorry for your DH.

YANBU

We always have Christmas day at home. Anyone is welcome to join us, we'll squeeze everyone in if necessary. But we're going nowhere.

Why don’t you and your parents have christmas at yours every year, while your DH and your kids alternate? That would be best for everyone. I don’t imagine your mil cares about seeing you anyway - she wants time with her son and grandkids. Time that is currently being monopolized by your parents.

• I meant you don't have the option to not see her for xmas ever. Just alternate the years.

EKGEMS - Maybe she can secretly hate her, but being married to someone who WANTS to have a relationship with his mother, means respecting that. Otherwise, you might as well kiss goodbye to the marriage.

'Are you always this controlling? Poor DH'.

Sounds like MIL is the controlling one. Poor, spinless DH.

You don't have the option to hate her an refuse to have Christmas with her. That is your DH's mother and you have to grin and bear it whether you like it or not, for the sake of your relationship with your DH and because you love him....?

Woman! Be nice! It's not womanly to want to suit yourself! Suit everyone else or you're not a proper woman!

I think alternating is the way forward. Do go to MIL on boxing day, it would be petty not to.

Do you all live close enough to all do a big family meal at a local restaurant on Christmas day for lunch or dinner? All get to see each other, plenty of room, no dishes, less stress and can all stay in own home to open gifts / play with gifts and back to own bed at night. It doesn't have to be too expensive if you shop around?

My Inlaws are a big clan as well (11 and growing!) whilst my fam has 4 so it's a good option. We tend to alternate though now we have kids soon we will be hosting I think as we have space and means don't tear kids away from all their toys! xx