To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

[AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil]

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

'Time that is currently being monopolized by your parents'.

How do you know that?

tell her she's had the last 6 years and you intend to do xmas day at home every year, unfair to move kids around, they should be at home playing with their toys.
Yes, put your foot down, I couldn't be with a man who thought so little of his family.
You drew the short straws with husbands.

Your MiL didnt monopolise Christmas before, she invited you and your husband chose to go. What does he think now?

Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house
She's right that it's unfair that you all spend every christmas day with your family but never with her.

Don't second guess that she won't come because the rest of the family.....Don't worry about the siblings. Just alternate Christmas dinner

1. In laws. Stay for dinner, help wash up, leave for DC to play with presents
2. Dinner at your parents. Stay, help wash up, leave for DC to play with presents
3. Invite both sets of parents to yours. MIL won't come - fine. She's had an invite. Her choice. Invite them for tea on Boxing day. She declines invite - fine. You've done your bit.

Both sets of GP want to spend Christmas with their families. Sometimes it is not possible for everyone to get together at the same time. Don't sweat it. Alternate houses is the solution but if that can't happen there's nothing you can do about it.

Merry Christmas 🥂

Don't alternate to keep the peace OP, alternate to demonstrate to the MIL that you do not need to stoop to the level she needs to. You will be the bigger person of the two and both you, and her, will know it.

Recently there has been more balance on these MIL threads. Many OPs don't like it as they just want support for their own perspective. They want to have it confirmed that they are NBU, not have compromise suggested.

Don't go. Your MIL and DH's side of the family are incredibly selfish and pathetic, imo.

Continue having Christmas how you want. If you want to go on Boxing Day or Xmas Eve, then that's your choice, but only if you want to. They can either come to you on Boxing Day/Xmas Eve, or you'll see them after the 26th.

She got her way for 6 years. You're doing the right thing. Anyone else who says otherwise is projecting their issues onto your situation, imo.

Alternating is a good idea, maybe this Xmas spend Xmas day with MIL and Boxing Day with DP's and then next year vice versa then you are seeing both sets of parents each year and essentially getting 2 Xmas days per year for DC?

I always wonder what life would be like if I had a MIL that actually liked me!!! But that is a pipe dream. She is manipulative and controlling and I spend YEARS submitting to her every request to keep DH and MIL happy. But after realising that nothing I did would make her actually like me I gave up. I now have a 3 year rotation at Christmas. My DM, MIL then home on our own. It means that I only have to spend Christmas day with her once every 3 years and that is exactly how I like it.

She was pissed this Christmas just gone because I was 9 months pregnant and couldn't travel the 2 hours to her house. She she decided we would have a lunch out the weekend before....so I actually got a bonus Christmas day with DH and DD :)

DH is an only child and massively manipulated for many years to do everything his mum said. He would talk about his DM in front of his friends and my family and ask me why they looked so shocked. I had to tell him that doing a 4 hour round trip to hoover her house, do her BIG shop and do her recycling was not really the done thing. (Fair enough if you lived round the corner).

I do not get involved anymore. I basically told him what I would be doing for Christmas from now on and he could choose what he wanted to do. I am so much more happier now I don't feel the need to try and make her like me.

Teddy, so OP should spend every other Christmas without her kids just so that mil can have her own way? Fuck that.

Why is there all this about the dh being "spineless" or tied to "apron strings". It is so hypocritical .

Why is the dh spineless for wanting to see his mother? The OP sees her dm and it's just fine.

Dsis was like this. Bil was banned from seeing his dreary mother on any high day or holiday. Mrs B was a nice enough person but on the elderly side whereas my parents were active and we had big 5* Christmases. When bil finally left, he said that sil's freezing out of his dm had over the years really upset him and he had belatedly realised he had abandoned his own mother to appease his dw.

OP- do some research before you offer in future. You don't have to have them all stay at yours. A lot of Air BB's in your area might be free as people going away over Christmas stick their house on to get some extra cash- I know we do it!
Look into hotels- present it as a well thought out, fun, considerate package. But next year - suck it up and go to hers.

juells - If you read my correction further down, I actually meant to say - don't have the option to have xmas with her EVER. And to just alternate it.

You’re being unreasonable. You weren’t married, had no DC, partner wanted to see his family on Christmas day, absolutely fair enough. Now you’re married with dc and say that every single year you just want xmas on your own with YOUR family and dh is having problems with apron strings and mil is being a nightmare because they want to see you on xmas too? Why do you get to dictate everything and only involve your family? Yanbu to want to stay at home, yabu to only involve your family.

I did this to keep the peace for 18 yrs.......
Divorced this yr, so xmas at home it is! 🎄😉

I used to kill myself trying to make everyone in my family happy - step parents, in laws, parents etc. Then I realised I couldn't.
So DH and I choose where we want to be each year. Haven't had Xmas with either set of parents for years.
I think the only people you need to worry about are you and DH. There is always boxing day and Xmas Eve. Make yourself happy as you can't make others happy no matter how hard you try.

Exactly Amanduh

You could make room or alternate, you don't want to.
At least have the courage of your selfish convictions

YANBU to prefer Christmas at home, with your parents, but on this issue I think YABU, because you are not willing in the slightest to compromise. Your MIL may be toxic but you still have a some sort of relationship with her and were initially prepared to visit on Boxing Day (until you wanted to punish her for suggesting a compromise - how bizarre!)

You don't have to agree to alternate years there but you should be prepared to spend at least ONE Christmas day there, even if it's only once every 6 years. Go this year while your dc is too young to care, then cite your dc's needs as a reason to be at home over the next few years.

But you're not going to do that, are you OP? Because you don't want to listen to any suggestions or advice that doesn't agree with your opinion.

Well, if my DH lost a family member just before Christmas, I'm sure I would be able to say to my DM, 'sorry Mum, I'm going to spend Christmas supporting DH this year'.

Why not go out for Christmas dinner? Contact restaurants now and get prices. Tell the in-laws this is the only way to accommodate everyone so if they want to go then the deposit is this much and the remainder due by this date.

Op will only listen to people who say "carry on all spending every Christmas Day with your side of the family and never see your dh's side"

@GPatz I totally agree with you. Not only that but when my DH lost his Auntie at Christmas it was supposed to be my DM year. She texted and told me to go and be with his family because he needed to be there.

It is the human thing to do!

Alternate by having your parents at your home one year and visit MIL on Boxing Day and then spend the following Christmas Day at MIL's and spend Boxing Day with your parents.

Start this year by spending Christmas Day at MIL's.