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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by commuters ignoring 'baby on board'?

354 replies

puffingalong · 10/10/2019 07:02

I think the title summarises my gripe. The baby on board badge is not really working (sometimes it does, but not at rush hour and not the majority of the time). I could believe that the badge isn't noticeable enough, I don't think it's difficult in my case when you include my ginormous bump (I'm 7 months and my bump is on the large side, the rest of me pretty small).

In my experience, the majority of people sitting in the seats for disabled/pregnant/elderly people just don't bother looking up to check if anyone else needs those seats more than them.

I know I could ask for a seat but I'm too British! Has anyone found any fun shaming tactics for this situation?

OP posts:
Amber2019 · 10/10/2019 10:12

Just ask the person if you could have a seat if they dont need it. I've never heard of pregnancy badges so wouldnt even think. I never really needed a seat when pregnant but if I did I'd ask if the person wouldn't mind giving me one. In general I move for elderly or someone with a pram.

StickAForkInMe15 · 10/10/2019 10:35

I was mortified once to realise I had been sat on a seat for ages in a packed train with a heavily pregnant lady standing right next to me please don't be mortified! I wss offered plenty of seats whilst pregnant but for a lot of my pregnancy it hurt to sit down so was much more comfortable stood!

OP I'd give up my seat for anyone who asked......except if they tried "shaming tactics" no matter how "fun" they were. I'd tear a strip off anyone for trying that. And please don't make out that being "British" is being too pathetic to ask for a seat but being happy to be nasty to people before you've even asked them. They are in their own world which you are not the centre of.

CardiFree · 10/10/2019 10:48

Exactly my thoughts dameofdilemma.

bruffin · 10/10/2019 10:48

I never recognize the Londoners described in these sort of threads.
Neither do i!

I see people give up their seat for baby on board badges every day i travel. Sometimes they havent noticed and do so as soon as their asked.
There are often announcements about being aware of people needing sests more than you do.
Im 57 and greying and i often get offered a seat

shearwater · 10/10/2019 10:50

I tend to be reading my book/working on my laptop and don't look if people need a seat, but would be more than happy if someone asked me.

Actually that's not entirely true, going home my train stops twice in London before getting to my stop, and then I probably am paying attention to people getting on somewhat. As I'm the next stop I tend to sit on an aisle seat and have to get up to let someone in (perhaps better than disturbing them again at the first stop). Yesterday I gave a lady a hand - basically stopped her falling over as she was getting into a seat, then everyone kindly shuffled around so that her husband could sit near her.

But after that - book/work.

shearwater · 10/10/2019 10:51

Oh yeah, someone offered me a seat on the Tube last week, which I politely declined as I was getting off at the next stop.

At the age of 44 I wonder whether I look old and frail or pregnant though Grin

AnyMinuteNow · 10/10/2019 11:01

fun shaming tactics Angry

Wtf!?

You don't sound at all nice. Poor me poor me, help me shame people. Screw that.

I have been continually offered seats through pregnancies.

I've also been frequently 'checked-on' by well meaning randoms when braxton-hicks made me pause once heavily pregnant.

I've not come across anyone being as rude as your OP suggests people are routinely being.

Stop blaming everyone else and ask if you need something. PA.

Who needs to wear a badge telling people you're pregnant when heavily pregnant, I mean really!

What bigger badge is there than massively swollen belly and a waddle!

lynzpynz · 10/10/2019 11:03

Think your use of the phrase 'fun shaming tactics' has been reacted to a bit OTT - obvious you were trying to be light-hearted but you've not come across properly in how you've phrased it...

As others have said you don't know why people are in priority seats, hidden disabilities etc. so it's difficult to determine between someone who is being a CF deliberately ignoring you and who is a genuine user / just may not have seen you.

I could tell numerous stories of heavy pregnant, sick and travelling on subway, trains, buses and planes (travel a lot with work) and struggling for a seat. Once I got bigger though folk were much more aware (I was huge 😂!) and a bit kinder. It's difficult if you're shy, nervous, or just extremely British (lol!) to ask but maybe you could address the seating area instead of tackling a person direct? Or even ask someone confident to help? I had several kind people spot me struggling and say eg 'folks would someone give up their seat for the pregnant lady please?' for which I was very grateful as saved me the awkwardness and people who were buried in phones for example jumped up - they just hadn't noticed.

Herewegoagain84 · 10/10/2019 11:03

Ugh people who assume that others on their commute who are half asleep/absorbed in a book etc (it’s usually a bit of down time!) are looking out for any sign of a precious pregnant person really irritates me. I’m currently pregnant - if I get on the tube and there is no seat and I feel I need one, I just ask! Otherwise you’ll have to be happy to stand.

AnyMinuteNow · 10/10/2019 11:10

You need to get into practice not being so PA for when you have dc, its no good to them being too shy to speak. You need to teach them to speak.

Handbag101 · 10/10/2019 11:11

'fun shaming tactics'.... You deserve to stand just for that!!!! Nasty.....

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 11:13

Ask. I’m shy too but if I really needed to sit down, I would ask. I had a young man ask for my seat once because he had back pain, I shot up like a light to give him it. If you don’t ask, you sometimes don’t get.

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/10/2019 11:15

I don't think people can be expected to pay attention to a badge OP- you'll just have to ask; I'm sure that will yield better results.

At least pregnancy is (largely) visible in the latter stages. I have an invisible illness that causes fainting and various other symptoms if I am stood up for too long and also have a condition that causes my joints to dislocated if I bear weight on them/twist awkwardly/am bumped into etc. Nobody is going to offer me a seat if I ask without being rude and a skeptic. I am no longer able to travel into London unless DP brings the car as standing for that long is too much. Shame, as the hospitals are there so it's cost us a fortune!

HoppingPavlova · 10/10/2019 11:16

I remember saying to one bloke on the tube that I was pregnant. He said congratulations. I said I need your seat if you don't want me to be sick on you. I got the seat.

So in your mind you trumped him even though he may have had a valid reason for sitting there you didn’t know about, and he is not obliged to tell you about.

I think it’s absolutely fine to ask for a seat but to throw it out as a general question to a group of people as a whole. Otherwise you potentially place someone in an embarrassing situation of shaming them in front of everyone where they feel the only alternative to giving in to you is to announce to everyone why their need trumps yours. So most people would just get up, particularly men. It’s a really shitty thing to do to people. Reality is out of every 100 people you try and shame to move, 99 will be cheeky fuckers with nothing wrong with them but then there’s the 1 who is as entitled to the seat as you are.

CardiFree · 10/10/2019 11:17

People probably thought I was a right cow when really dangerously anemic (though I didn't know it) could barely catch my breath just boarding a bus, so had no choice but to go for the nearest/convenient seats.

No badge wearers then though. That is definitely a useful concept, better than doing that awful thing of assuming someone's pregnant when they're not 🤦🏻‍♀️.

FunkyKingston · 10/10/2019 11:17

I know I could ask for a seat but I'm too British! Has anyone found any fun shaming tactics for this situation?

Or more accurately, how can I publically embarrass someone with a hidden disability.

AdobeWanKenobi · 10/10/2019 11:19

One time no one got up so he walked up and down the carriage with his finger under the badge pushing it out... That did the trick

Or instead of the passive aggressive bullshit he could have simply asked if anyone could offer him a seat.

Ridiclious · 10/10/2019 11:25

I visited London with 2 small children recently and people were falling over themselves to offer us seats (non rush hour). From reading MN I had expected huffing and eye rolling for simply being there. I later visited on my own and people graciously offered me first dibs on seats (lots of short changes so no real need to sit down myself) but were gratefully thanked for the offer. No I don't look pregnant but people are kind in all sorts of unexpected ways.

There's a couple of good openers on here 'if you don't need the accessible seat please may I have it?' Which gives people an 'out' to say they do.

Cohle · 10/10/2019 11:28

You need to ask. And to be more aware of invisible disabilities if you think "shaming" people is fun.

VanGoghsDog · 10/10/2019 11:29

Im 57 and greying and i often get offered a seat

51, not very grey due to dye, but got offered a seat just yesterday by a young chap. I thanked him and declined as I was fine and only had two stops anyway.

I see people standing for others all the time on the tube. I've offered other people my seat many times. Happens on the train too - one time, I was standing, a woman on crutches got on, two blokes leapt up to offer her their seat, she sat down in one and the other chap insisted I take his seat.

I have never ever seen anyone ask for a seat and no-one offer/get up.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/10/2019 11:30

Just a thought, If your badge is anywhere near your chest people might not look at it. I wouldn't. You are perfectly reasonable for wanting a seat but not so much for expecting other people to anticipate your needs. Ask.

Phineyj · 10/10/2019 11:37

I would just say generally that if you get offered a seat take it (unless you are uncomfortable sitting down in which case say so), as it's rather off putting when people decline, especially if you've already leapt to your feet. At least with the badges you don't have the mortification of assuming someone's pregnant when they're not. It sometimes is fat or unfortunate clothing...

SunshineAngel · 10/10/2019 11:38

I know lots of people will have already given you great advice, but just to say, I was once on a bus on the way home from uni. I was relatively near the front, but not in the seats that are allocated for those who need them due to disability or pregnancy.

As I was getting off, an obviously pregnant woman took hold of my arm and said that I was selfish, and that one day I would know what it felt like, and that I should start to think about others.

I had been staring out of the window, in my own little world, and didn't have a bloody clue she was there. It's not like I did it maliciously, and if she (or someone else) had asked me to move, of course I would have.

Perhaps I should pay more attention, but back in those days, that bus journey was my first chance to relax all day after hours of confusing lectures/exams.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 10/10/2019 11:41

I've always found that people spring from their seat, usually quite apologetically, when politely asked. I don't think you need to use shaming tactics.

Butchyrestingface · 10/10/2019 11:47

I remember saying to one bloke on the tube that I was pregnant. He said congratulations. I said I need your seat if you don't want me to be sick on you. I got the seat.

Evidently a better person than me. Grin. I think you need to work on how you phrase your 'requests'.

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