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AIBU?

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Original poster

Won't be a dad

142 replies

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:29

Just signed up. Hope this is the right place.

I'm 16 and I gave birth in August. My ex said he wasn't a dad so his parents did a DNA test and he is. He said he doesn't want to be involved or be a dad. At the weekend his parents looked after baby and as soon as I got to their house ex left.

Advice please.

OP posts:
DriftingLeaves · 09/10/2019 12:32

You can't make him take an interest. At least his parents want to be involved.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/10/2019 12:36

He was there while baby was so maybe he was being a dad while you weren't there? Unfortunately this is something you can't force him to do though but like a PP has said, atleast your baby's GPs are showing an interest.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 12:36

Congratulations on your baby! Is he named on the birth certificate?

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:38

No he wasn't there as when I gave his parents baby he went out.

He isn't on the birth certificate because he told me not to put him on it.

OP posts:
mencken · 09/10/2019 12:39

he doesn't want to know and he cannot be forced to be a parent. He can be forced to pay support, although maybe not until he is older.

sorry. I hope keeping the baby was your decision and he didn't string you along. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:41

During pregnancy he was fine and didn't say he didn't want to be involved or anything.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 12:42

What would YOU like to happen, OP?

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 12:44

How old is he?

Are your own family helping you out - do you still live at home?

Unfortunately you cannot force your ex to be a dad - but maybe he's scared of the responsibility. Possibly his parents will persuade him to take more of an interest. Do you get on all right with them? It sounds like you do.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 12:44

I'm glad his parents want to be involved, but there's nothing you can do about the reluctant ex. He's the one missing out, really. His parents must be feeling bad about his response. I hope your parents are being supportive, too.

I wonder whether his parents were hoping he would or wouldn't turn out be the father of your baby? I hope nothing nasty was said by any of them about you!

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 12:45

Was he there when you gave birth - you said he was supportive during the pregnancy.

B00kworm86 · 09/10/2019 12:47

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP, it must be horribly hurtful for you. I don't have any advice as such, but please try to concentrate on yourself and take all the help offered to you. You can't make him be a parent, as hard as that must be. You're baby needs a happy Mum, so be kind to yourself.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 09/10/2019 12:50

My only advice is that you keep going to the CMS. You can’t force his involvement, unfortunately. And your baby is probably better off without it as he sounds useless.

How old is he?

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:58

He's 16 aswell. Yes my family are supportive. His parents don't know about him not wanting to be a dad.

No he wasn't at the birth as we weren't together as he broke up with me a few days before.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 13:03

Really glad to hear that your family are supportive, and I hope that your other baby's grandparents are being kind.

I'm sorry that your ex has let you both down. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make him spend time with, or care about his baby. It's not fair that he doesn't take any responsibility either emotionally or financially. Hopefully his parents can help out.

Do surround your baby with love and protect them from anyone who doesn't care about them - this is really important Flowers

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 13:04

'baby's other grandparents' - that should say!

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 13:07

You can’t force him to be involved unfortunately. I know it is considered ideal to have an involved father. But many many people have grown up without and are well rounded adult. You have your parents supports and possibly his parents support. Maybe he will step up later when he has grown up a bit. For now, it sounds as though you are surrounding your baby with as much love as you are able. Enjoy 😊

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 13:09

You say his parents don't know about his not wanting to be a dad - but they must have noticed that he went out as soon as you brought the baby round. I'm sure they must have discussed being a dad with him. Is he still at school? What about you? Are you going back to school next year?

I'm so sorry that he broke up with you just before you had the baby. That must have been awful. Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 09/10/2019 13:10

If you are on good terms with his parents then I would say keep this up and that gives you and your baby support.

A younger relative of mine fathers a baby and has, unfortunately not been as good as everyone hoped in being a dad ( although he does have some involvement). His parents are very involved and look after the baby one day a week and are very much grandparents. It’s working out well although they are all probably rather sad that the young man is missing out as is his child.

Focus on what you can control and enjoy your baby. Use all the support you have and good luck.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 13:12

And also MakeGreat I think it's great that you're involving his mother and father with your baby.

I would carry on doing that and see if he gradually starts to show an interest in your baby. It sounds like you're doing all you can.

As PP said, maybe when he matures a bit he won't back off so much. But if he really won't be a father to your child - well, so far, you've managed. I know it's early days but you sound as though you're coping.

ShagMeRiggins · 09/10/2019 13:14

He isn't on the birth certificate because he told me not to put him on it.

If this is the only reason he isn’t on the birth certificate, stop doing things solely because he tells you to. He hasn’t the right to decide.

It also doesn’t matter whether he wants to be a dad, he is one. His wants don’t change anything.

Make sure he pays toward your child as soon as the law requires it.

And congratulations on your new baby. It’s wonderful you have a supportive family and that his parents have an interest in the baby as well.

You cannot control what he does. You can only control your own actions. Do your best for yourself, and for your child. Don’t let anyone or anything stop you.

summersherewishiwasnt · 09/10/2019 13:22

With the greatest respect you are both very young, he sounds very much so. My advice, for what’s it worth is, be the best mum you can be. Encourage all loving relationships with his family. They will see for themselves his lack of interest. It is their job, as is parents to question his motives. Not yours. Finally, I can’t speak from experience but I’ve heard say that not all love is instant. Give him opportunity and time. If he wastes them that is something he will be answerable for to his child. They always want to know why a parent was absent, don’t let it be you.

MummytoCSJH · 09/10/2019 13:24

He couldn't have been put on the birth certificate unless they were both present at the time anyway, so that bit doesn't matter.
I had my son at 16 op, my ex did the same. He's a very good dad now. At first he was scared by the amount of responsibility (who wouldn't be at 16? Hell, I'm 21 now and I still 'realise' all of a sudden sometimes that I'm a mum Grin) Not an excuse but there was a reason. Honestly, put you and your baby first. Let him come to you if he changes his mind. It's upsetting but don't let it take over these first few years with your precious baby. Hugs and congratulations! Thanks

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 13:28

He's at college. And I probably will go to college next year

Yesterday he messaged me asking if I would get back with him but he didn't want to be a dad.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 13:31

asking if I would get back with him but he didn't want to be a dad

Well that's just ridiculous! He doesn't sound mature enough be in a relationship at all. What do you think?

ShagMeRiggins · 09/10/2019 13:32

He couldn't have been put on the birth certificate unless they were both present at the time anyway, so that bit doesn't matter.

That’s not the only way it could happen, but you’re right in the sense that MakeGreat would have had to file something official in her circumstances. I’m wondering (because I don’t know) whether a DNA test result would suffice for the authorities.

OP, you can always amend the birth certificate at a later date, possibly without his permission. And given the DNA test results, he’d be an idiot to withhold his permission.

In the meantime, enjoy your baby and be kind to yourself.

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