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Original poster

Won't be a dad

142 replies

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:29

Just signed up. Hope this is the right place.

I'm 16 and I gave birth in August. My ex said he wasn't a dad so his parents did a DNA test and he is. He said he doesn't want to be involved or be a dad. At the weekend his parents looked after baby and as soon as I got to their house ex left.

Advice please.

OP posts:
Vampyress · 09/10/2019 15:57

You poor sweetheart,

I had a baby when I was one year older than you, being silly and irresponsible myself and it was the hardest thing in the world. After we separated due to me quite frankly hating him for several reasons, I tried again because I thought it was somehow best for my child.

In the end it never worked out and my now 15 year old son has been adopted by the man who has raised him since he was 3. I also have a degree and a high paying job with two beautiful little toddlers who adore their big brother with a passion.

You are so young and right now everything will be overwhelming, the love you have for this gorgeous little person, the change in your relationships with friends, but I promise that if you love your baby it will all be okay and everything you want in life will still be possible, just a wee bit harder than it would have been.

Whether you know it or not yet, you and your baby are a team. Being around someone who can't love your baby will destroy you and your lovely child. You both deserve the world and sadly the responsibility of that now falls on your very young shoulders. Until the boy who is her father is at least willing to acknowledge his child, focus on giving your heart to your baby instead of him xxxxx

sarahjconnor · 09/10/2019 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/10/2019 16:09

You're very young but you're a Mum now and baby has to come first. How does it make you feel that he's treating your baby this way? would you really want to get back with a someone that does that?

He might not have told his parents that he doesn't want to be a dad but considering that the baby was born in August and he's not met the baby yet - I'm pretty sure they already know.

It's great that his parents are involved, it gives you some time for yourself but also the child gets to spend some time with family.

You can't force him to be a Dad but you can choose how he treats you and your child. Don't let him back in your life if he's going to be treating you and your child badly.

If you do start dating again - I bet he won't want the baby around while you're together.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 16:15

I don't know what we'd talk about

His parents think he has met baby but he went out at the weekend to see his friends.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 09/10/2019 16:20

Unfortunately you need to understand that you will be raising this child alone.

He does not want to be a father and you cannot make him one.

Do not have a relationship with him, he is not worthy of you.

Speak to his parents and ask if they are willing to help financially and physically because their son has said he is unwilling to.

Ask him to write a letter to the baby explaining why he wants nothing to do with it, so he can never blame you in the future for taking his child away from him/not allowing him access (he will try and pull thos trick in the future, probably when he finds a new girlfriend who will want to know why he doesn't see his child).

As soon as he has a job, pursue him for maintenance via CMS.

Good luck for the future. I hope you have a supportive family to see you through these difficult times.

UnoriginalUserName948 · 09/10/2019 16:44

He may not want to be a father, but he should have thought of that before. The baby is here, he is the father and he has to take some responsibility. He can be made to make financial contribution once he is older. He can't be made to take an interest in parenting, sadly.

Skysblue · 09/10/2019 16:55

He didn’t wear a condom: he chose to risk you getting pregnant.

He dumped you days before you gave birth.

He’s refusing to see his baby and putting a load of stress on you when you’ve just given birth.

Now he thinks after all that, he still has a chance with you??

He is an idiot. An asshole. The world is full of guys who are much better than him and one day you will be with one of them. You do not need him.

Focus on your baby and do not believe a word that guy says.

Sallyseagull · 09/10/2019 16:56

It's great that you're keeping in touch with your baby's other grandparents, even if your ex doesnt want to be involved at least there will be a relationship with that side of their family for your childs sake. That's very mature of you as I imagine it cant and wont be easy.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 16:56

He's messaged again asking if I can meet him somewhere so we can talk.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 17:05

Never agree to meet and 'talk' without knowing the topic!

I would suggest you agree to a meeting in his parents' home or yours, with baby (and parents?) present and I would expect to know exactly what the topic(s) he wanted to discuss are and say that once you've seen them you will decide whether or not you wish to meet and whether you want to put a topic on the agenda!

If this is going to be some soppy "I miss you, can't we go back to how it was before?" scenario, he needs to know you missed him, too: at the birth and every time his baby wakes you up in the night!

Though to be honest, I still cannot imagine what he could possibly have to say that you would want to hear.

Juells · 09/10/2019 17:05

He's not a nice person. He dumped you just before you had the baby. He doesn't want the baby that he persuaded you wouldn't happen. He will keep using and hurting you as long as you allow him to. Stop letting him use you.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 17:09

Did your physical relationship continue through the pregnancy, as in, you're pregnant now so I can have unprotected sex with you as much as I like,"?

He probably really wants to know when normal service will be resumed. 😡

taytosandwich · 09/10/2019 17:09

He's not good to you or your baby OP so don't get back with him. Tell your parents what he's up to, get them to tell his parents what he's up to. You need to be protected from all this and so does your baby.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 17:11

'Find some other girl's life to screw up!' would be an appropriate, if unsisterly, response, truth to tell.

Advice he will almost certainly heed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 17:13

The only thing you need to be meeting him for is to discuss your baby. He doesn’t want to talk about the baby. Personally I would tell him to eff off. He told you a load of crap and is washing his hands when the sperm he decided to put in your body produced a baby.

I agree with others. He wants sex again. Some boys and men will say anything to get sex when they feel horny. He can’t be your boyfriend and pretend the baby doesn’t exist. Don’t meet him unless you’re in a safe place as you then can’t be pushed into having sex again.

Have you asked his parents for money for the baby’s care? I hope they’ve offered. Babies are expensive. Children even more.

I also think you need some help and people to talk to make sure you don’t get pregnant again. And to talk about stds. You put yourself and your baby at risk of stds. Ignore what he said about having one. Unless you were his first, he could not guarantee this.

It sounds as if you are very fertile to have just had sex once and got pregnant so it could very easily happen again. No contraception is fool proof either. That is also something to discuss. Some women use two sorts in case one fails Eg pill and condoms at the same time.

Juells · 09/10/2019 17:17

It sounds as if you are very fertile to have just had sex once and got pregnant

My two children are the result of the only two times in my life I had unprotected sex Confused

Juells · 09/10/2019 17:18

...and I used to have a period only every 7 or 8 weeks, God knows how the sperm managed it.

Purpleartichoke · 09/10/2019 17:30

Why would you even consider being with someone who wasn’t taking his parental responsibility seriously?

I would also think long and hard about what role the paternal grandparents should play. I would allow them a relationship, but would carefully consider how much time they should be babysitting. You want them
To be babysitters, not custody holders.

File for child maintenance. It will be a pittance, but he should be paying something.

If I was his parent, I would support him staying in college, but also demand he get a part-time job and spend whatever free time he has left helping with the baby. If my child went out with his friends and left me to care for his baby so soon after birth, we would be having a very intense conversation about his future and our degree of financial support going forward.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 17:31

He said he wants to talk about the future

No when I was pregnant we didn't have sex

His parents have gave me some money. He says I was his first but I don't know if I believe him as he had loads of girlfriends before me.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 17:43

If he had loads of girlfriends before you there is every chance he had sex with them and told them all that they were the first.

Bearing that in mind, please don't have sex with him again. You really don't want an STD.

When he says he wants to talk about the future I have a feeling the baby won't be part of the discussion. It will just be about having sex with you again.

If you do have sex with him (and it is your choice but I do not recommend that you do) please make sure you have contraception and make him use a condom as well, to protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs.

Are you thinking that you might want to meet him? What will you do with the baby?

Juells · 09/10/2019 17:46

I would also think long and hard about what role the paternal grandparents should play. I would allow them a relationship, but would carefully consider how much time they should be babysitting. You want them To be babysitters, not custody holders.

Very good point, and another reason for not putting him on the birth certificate. Although the grandparents may attempt to have him recognised as the father.

He's an absolute shit, there's no getting away from that.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 17:50

Whose future? What future? That's far too vague, isn't it? Does he mean he wants your advice on his A levels?

Is he imagining he has a future with the young woman he dumped days before she delivered a baby he tried to deny was his and has avoided seeing?

His parents sound too nice to have produced him...

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 18:16

I don't know if I'm going to meet him. He told me I can bring baby becaus he doesn't care.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 18:30

And you don't need to worry about his parents taking the baby. They would have to demonstrate that neither you nor your parents were taking good care of baby who was at risk. Social services would need to be involved and supporting you. Grandparents have no right even to see a grandchild unless they can show an established relationship. Taking the money they offered does not entitle them to anything. Put that worry out of your mind; you have more immediate stuff to deal with.

britnay · 09/10/2019 18:30

Ugh, Delete his number and move on with your life. Stay in contact with his parents as they at least seem interested in their grandchild.

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