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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't be a dad

142 replies

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:29

Just signed up. Hope this is the right place.

I'm 16 and I gave birth in August. My ex said he wasn't a dad so his parents did a DNA test and he is. He said he doesn't want to be involved or be a dad. At the weekend his parents looked after baby and as soon as I got to their house ex left.

Advice please.

OP posts:
RushianDisney · 09/10/2019 13:32

I'm sorry he is behaving like this OP, unfortunately he cannot be forced to want involvement. However, a friend of mine had a similar experience though in her early 20s not her teens, the dad wanted no involvement and asked for a DNA test, and for the first year or so paid maintenance but didn't see his son. Once the child was older he became interested, his parents had maintained contact the whole time and were a great support to my friend. Now he has his son EOW.

I'd say maintain contact with the dads parents, it is good for your child to have two sets of loving grandparents, especially if they have a less than decent dad. The dad may come around to the idea of parenting, but you mustn't pin your hopes on it. Focus on yourself and your baby, take all the support you can get.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 13:33

Yesterday he messaged me asking if I would get back with him but he didn't want to be a dad

And how do you feel about that? Not a very reasonable idea, is it. He seems to be wanting to airbrush the baby out of existence and carry on sleeping with you, by the sound of things.

Walnutwhipster · 09/10/2019 13:38

If he wasn't present you couldn't put him on the birth certificate because you aren't married As others have said he can't be forced to be involved but he does have to support his child financially. With his age this won't be much, if anything now, but hopefully will be in the future. Do not get back with him and whatever you do take contraception seriously.

LagunaBubbles · 09/10/2019 13:47

asking if I would get back with him but he didn't want to be a dad

Well regardless of what he wants he is a Dad. The only advice I would give you is to not go back with him, although I realise that will be easier said than done depending on how you feel?

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 13:48

I don't know if I want to get back with him. As he hasn't even met baby yet.

OP posts:
ShagMeRiggins · 09/10/2019 13:50

It’s not true he had to be present for the birth certificate if you are unmarried. There are other ways (none of which seemed possible for the OP, granted), but being the pedant I am I would hate for anyone reading this thread who finds herself in a similar situation to think that is the only option. It isn’t.

Ffs, we can all Google.

Won't be a dad
AllFourOfThem · 09/10/2019 13:51

He might not want to be a dad but he is legally the father to your baby and whilst he might not have or want parental responsibility, he will still be responsible for maintenance payments once he has an income.

I think it’s great his parents want to be involved so your baby has active grandparents.

Congratulations on your baby and I think you should be expecting to be a single parent but that doesn’t mean things won’t still be great for both of you even if it’s not what you envisaged or hoped.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 13:51

How does he imagine you could get back together without him being a dad? Who is supposed to mind the baby? Are you supposed to airbrush your baby out of the picture to suit him?!

He's a bit of a baby himself, isn't he?

Boys who don't want to be dads make sure to be responsible about contraception, don't they? Was he one of those who wouldn't wear a condom because it might interfere with his moment of pleasure? Sorry, that sounds rude and does not require an answer if you don't feel like saying.

And now he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility?
What will you reply?

I honestly can't imagine being broken up with just before my due date - that must have been horrible. How does he expect you to get past that, and denying paternity, too?! 😠

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 14:25

I dont know how he thinks he can be with me but not be a dad. No he didn't want to wear a condom.

OP posts:
SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 09/10/2019 14:43

Have you had a thread about it just about the time you gave birth? Got an MN account handed over by his family member?
It's still the same. Nothing will change. Same advice from before applies

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 14:46

No i didn't make a thread around the time when I gave birth because I didn't know he didn't want to be a dad then as he was ignoring me.

OP posts:
Justgorgeous · 09/10/2019 14:50

Hello. I’m not saying you didn’t want a child at 16 but you are incredibly young to be going through this. Was the pregnancy planned ? Your comment about him not wanting to wear a condom is worrying - it doesn’t matter what he wants, you need to look after your own sexual health in the future. Best of luck with everything and I hope you get to go back to education at some point.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 14:52

No the pregnancy wasn't planned. He didn't want to use a condom and he said it would be fine and I wouldn't get pregnant because it would be only once and I wouldn't get an STD as he doesn't sleep with other girls.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 09/10/2019 14:55

Don't have sex with him again, eh? That would be best.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 14:58

He hasn't asked for sex he's asked me to get back with him

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 09/10/2019 15:02

Why would you want to get back with someone who has no interest in his own child?

He's grown up enough to insist on unprotected sex, so he's grown up enough to face the consequences.

embarrassedabout · 09/10/2019 15:08

@MakeGreat

I was the same age as you when I had my first. Her father (who was older than me) didn't want to know and actually moved halfway across the country to avoid being a father (and avoid our mutual friends/people who knew about my pregnancy).

I now have another child and lovely partner, everything worked out. My first child recently met her biological father and she decided not to continue contact with him as she already has her "real dad" is (her words). However I will always keep his contact details incase she ever decides she wants to reach out to him in the future.

I'm sorry your ex doesn't want to be a father, but you're child is better off with just one parent that loves them than having one parent trying to convince the other parent to care when they don't. He may come round one day, he may not. For the meantime I'd just focus on your baby, yourself and your future. It's great his parents want to be involved and that yours are supportive too. Sounds like you have a great support network.

LagunaBubbles · 09/10/2019 15:10

So you had unprotected sex because you believed him you wouldn't get pregnant because it was "only the once"? Not being rude but you really need to look after your own sexual health and body by educating yourself about this a bit more. You risk getting pregnant any time you have unprotected sex.

Justgorgeous · 09/10/2019 15:11

I think you need to move on with your life without this man in it. Please do not listen to that rubbish again about not getting pregnant ‘as only having sex once’ and ‘he doesn’t sleep with other girls’! He’s sleeping with you unprotected so he’s probably doing the same with others. I would just concentrate on yourself and your baby for now, he’s very unreliable and not particularly nice by the sounds of it.

TilandPop · 09/10/2019 15:14

I agree with PP, concentrate on your baby for now and bin him.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/10/2019 15:17

I think you need to sit down with an adult and have a detailed chat about sex, cotrraception and how boys will say anything if they think they will get sex.

I suspect he wants to 'get back with you' because you've already had sex with him and he thinks you will again. I'd love to know what he thinks you will do with the baby...presumably park it on his or your parents? Has he even considered what childbirth will have done to your body and that you might not want to sleep with him again?

In common parlance - you do you. Look after your baby, look after yourself and talk to some adults about where to go from here regarding the father of your baby.

cordeliavorkosigan · 09/10/2019 15:31

Tell him it is irrelevant if he wants or doesn’t want to be a dad. He didn’t wear a condom and now he is the father of a baby, and his wants don’t change it a bit.
Then focus on the baby, and on surrounding the baby with love and loving people.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 15:32

He didn't want to wear a condom.
He didn't want to be a dad.

Does not compute.

Has he asked at any point whether you wanted to be a mum?

You have gone through so much - being pregnant, telling people, having people comment and notice and probably judge, being pulled about at various appointments, losing all your dignity, having him deny paternity so tests had to be done (how did that feel?) giving birth (probably thinking you were going to die like most of us feel the first time!) meeting your baby, learning to care for him - and he has basically run off and hidden behind the sofa, hasn't he? And now he's popped out and asked to be friends again.

He hasn't changed and you have experienced so much he doesn't even want to understand. I think you're probably at least five years older than him now in life experience, tbh.

What would you even talk about? Would you want to listen to him tell you about how tough college is?! His latest score on some stupid game? What could he possibly have to say that would interest you?

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 15:32

I don't know why i believed that I wouldn't get pregnant because it was only once.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 15:37

Heat of the moment, probably. Boyfriends can be so persuasive and mother nature is determined to populate the planet!

But you know you can't believe a thing that comes out of his mouth now, so that protects you a bit. I can't imagine anyone being willing to babysit while you spent time with him - can you?

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