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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Won't be a dad

142 replies

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:29

Just signed up. Hope this is the right place.

I'm 16 and I gave birth in August. My ex said he wasn't a dad so his parents did a DNA test and he is. He said he doesn't want to be involved or be a dad. At the weekend his parents looked after baby and as soon as I got to their house ex left.

Advice please.

OP posts:
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 20:09

I think meeting baby would be holding him etc. And baby just being there would be just him being in his pram and ex not acknowledging that he's there.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 20:15

But surely you don't want to be in a situation where your son's father completely ignores him?

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 20:22

No i dont want son to be ignored.

OP posts:
SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 09/10/2019 20:29

Also glad I am not the only one @Butchyrestingface

OP, if it really wasn't you then I hope the other girl is reading it and gets in touch so you can handhold and support each other through exactly same situation. With exactly same writing style and thread title. Even she had a baby in August. It's better to go through these things with someone rather than by yourself.

PumpkinP · 09/10/2019 20:34

You posted about this before (exact same situation even the thread title) the advice remains the same

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 20:37

I haven't posted before I found this site today and signed up

OP posts:
Lunafortheloveogod · 09/10/2019 20:41

If you do go to meet him do it somewhere suitable for you and the baby.. so not sat on a wall somewhere. Don’t ignore your child either continue as you normally would. Be very clear if he wants to be involved you and baby are now an item and you won’t entertain him not being a father to his son. Simple as no compromise no matter how many x does this or other wild scenarios he throws at you. And it’s all up to what you want not what suits him. It’s a shock to the system, I’m quite sure a few of us have had unprotected sex when we were young and didn’t fall pregnant.. and I’m in the category of it took me n dp one go to fall pregnant with number two.
I don’t know if anything was thrown about when you broke up but try not to respond with anger, be the bigger person and if he can’t be an adult you walk away.

Baby comes first, you’re all he needs.

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 20:48

He's asked me to meet him in a cafe tomorrow. I won't ignore baby.

OP posts:
babycatcher411 · 09/10/2019 20:49

OP I have been you in many ways. I was the 15 year old left standing with the baby. Though in my instance my ex didn’t want to get back together. He didn’t want to be a dad and I tried my hardest to encourage him and to facilitate a healthy relationship with his son but sadly he just wasn’t capable of being/didnt want to be the father he could have been to our son.

Long story short, he now lives abroad, DS has ‘fond’ memories of the times his dad did xy and z (the very few occasions he ‘bothered’/was forced by his mother to spend time with him in the early years), whilst also hating him for leaving him and having nothing to do with him anymore. And a broken relationship between DS dad and DS grandmother as she tried desperately to make my ex be a dad too.

I won’t compare our situations, as no two situations are the same.
But my advice at this point would be to meet him and talk and lay your feelings on the table. Go somewhere you can both easily and safely leave if you need to, and where you can tend to baby’s needs properly.

Before doing so, you need to think long and hard about what you want, and what you think is best for your child.

It is not feasible to pursue a relationship with him if he doesn’t want to be a dad.

Do you want to be with someone who would do callously leave you abs you’re about to birth their son?

What do you want to do in the future? Education/work/housing wise. Do you see him in these plans?

Are you willing to facilitate a relationship with your child’s grandparents without him?

What if he ups and leaves in the future?

See what he has to say for himself. And if you need to, go away and think about it all first before you give him any answers to any questions.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/10/2019 20:50

Tell him if he wants to talk he comes to your home and he meets his child. If anyone said to me they didn't care about my baby I wouldn't be bothering with them, if it was my husband (partner of ten years, friend of 25 years) I would be divorcing him. Yes he's 16, but so are you and you dint get the option of bring scared and not bothering, you're raising your son, and I've been through child birth and there is no way I could've chopped with that at 16, so for that alone you're incredibly strong. Be strong enough to believe you deserve to be treated with respect and so does your child, and maybe consider a more long term method of contraception for a while, implant/injection etc. I'm not saying that to have a dig, just you have a lot to carry on your shoulders already.

Starlight456 · 09/10/2019 20:57

Op... you both sound young and naive.

However you are now a mum. He financially can be held accountable but nothing else..

This boy is not ready to be a dad yet he may be one day but for now you need to give him a wide berth. He manipulates you and is unable to prioritise his child .

Don’t play secrets , be straight with his parents.

The stupid comment about getting him on the birth certificate. He has no pr whilst he is not on the birth certificate . It is something that shouldn’t be done unless he steps up in the future .

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/10/2019 21:01

If you decide to meet him, I think meeting in a cafe is a good idea. If you take the baby, you can see if he is at all interested in him. I would be very wary about getting back with this boy. He pushed you into having unprotected sex with him.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2019 21:44

OP i'd go tomorrow.

Take baby and do all the usual stuff you'd do with baby - getting him out, feeding him, talking to him etc. See what he has to say - he might have realised he's been an idiot saying he isn't going to be a Dad and i'd give him a chance to work through this as you're both just kids and this is a huge change to both your lives.

It's good his parents want to be involved but don't feel pushed into leaving baby with them if you don't want to.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2019 21:46

oh and do not get back with him.

if he wants to be involved in babys life, agree to that and work on being friends and then if anything comes of it fine, but you need to be on the pill before you even think about sex. If he doesn't then i'd make it clear to him he still has a financial responsibility as soon as he is working and you won't stop his parents seeing baby

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/10/2019 23:56

Sorry OP I've assumed you live with parents , if you live alone and decide to meet him, please do it in public.

Waitingforadulthood · 10/10/2019 00:41

Op- now isn't the time for this unnecessary drama. The relationship shit- it's just that. Shit. He is not a viable life partner. His failure to step up is reflective of that. Focus on your baby and your future. This deadbeat needn't be a consideration

Merryoldgoat · 10/10/2019 00:46

I really hope this isn’t true.

What an absolute mess.

MakeGreat · 10/10/2019 08:00

I don't know if I want to be with him or not. Hopefully next year I will go to college.

I think I will meet him today.

OP posts:
MakeGreat · 10/10/2019 09:58

Yes I will still let baby have a relationship with his parents without him. And I don't know if he would fit into my future plans.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2019 16:36

And I don't know if he would fit into my future plans you have an obligation to have him fit into your child's life op.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2019 16:36

Did you see him?

MakeGreat · 10/10/2019 16:58

Yes I saw him. He gave baby a teddy bear and saw him but didn't want to hold him. He did spend alot of time complaining about how much he hates college though.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/10/2019 17:21

Just keep enabling visits op. You and baby deserve better but you are both young, and whilst you've had to live with the reality of your child every day, it can take even the most mature of men time to adjust to being a Dad. Do your half of keeping their relationship ongoing

MakeGreat · 10/10/2019 18:40

He said he doesn't know if he wants to be involved or not.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 10/10/2019 19:22

He might be 16 but in reality buoy both are . Newborn babies are exhausting. You need you time and energy to focus on your baby.

There is one thing to leave the option open . It really isn’t your job to chase him till he decides if he wants to be a dad.

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