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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Won't be a dad

142 replies

MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 12:29

Just signed up. Hope this is the right place.

I'm 16 and I gave birth in August. My ex said he wasn't a dad so his parents did a DNA test and he is. He said he doesn't want to be involved or be a dad. At the weekend his parents looked after baby and as soon as I got to their house ex left.

Advice please.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 18:32

If he doesn't care, why meet him? Is he going to dump you - again? Don't give him the chance.

If that's his attitude..!

DoubtingMyPatience · 09/10/2019 18:33

Just let men can’t force you to have a baby or abort one. You can force him to be a parent.

There is no advice. He doesn’t want to be a parent.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 18:37

OP - you've said a couple of times that his parents don't know he hasn't met the baby yet.

But surely they must have noticed that he went out when you took the baby to their house at the weekend?

And now all of a sudden, after saying he didn't want to see the baby or be a dad, he's fine with you bringing the baby with you when you talk about the future - whatever that means.

MummytoCSJH · 09/10/2019 18:39

No of course @ShagMeRiggins , they could be married HmmHmm

MummytoCSJH · 09/10/2019 18:43

Just read the other comments. Think it was fairly obvious those things hadn't happened anyway so yeah, you're right.. definitely a pedant. Anyway, this isn't about you. I do hope you're ok OP. He's obviously not very mature by the sounds of it. He 'doesn't care' whether you do or not? That just makes him look like a twat tbh. If he wants to meet the baby then meet him and put a plan in place going forwards but otherwise I'd leave it.

Jollitwiglet · 09/10/2019 18:57

You sound quite vulnerable, which to be fair most women are with such a young baby.

This boy is not going to step up as father figure, there is no way of making him. You need to inform both sets of grandparents that he is not stepping up so they can provide you with some additional support.

He clearly wants to pretend like your baby doesn't exist. He probably just wants to get his willy wet again. Both you and your baby deserve more than that. You need to refuse to meet him and refuse any talks that are not focused on how you are going to co parent.

I would also kindly suggest you get yourself to a GUM clinic and get further advice with regards to STDs and contraception options. I would most certainly not believe him with regards to his sexual history, he is quite frankly full of shit.

Please take care of yourself and really do remember you don't have to settle for being treated like crap, which is what is currently happening. Good luck with everything and hold your head up high

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 19:02

He said he doesn't care if I bring baby with me if we met.

He told his parents he was going to see his friends.

OP posts:
nottodaysatanlucifer · 09/10/2019 19:16

Why are you even entertaining him? He's proven himself to be a waste of space. You have a child now. Put the energy into being a new mum rather than wasting it on him.

DoubtingMyPatience · 09/10/2019 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/10/2019 19:19

@DoubtingMyPatience it seems perfectly feasible to be and she's already said that the grandparents look after the baby - it's in her first post.

I think the only thing the OP might have got wrong is that they don't know he doesn't want to be a Dad. I'm pretty sure they know, especially when he goes off with his friends the second the baby comes.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 19:22

This is true.

His parents asked to see baby and have then for an hour or so but ex went out because he said he was going to see his friends. And his parents looked after baby for about an hour. They think ex visited me and baby when I first got home I think.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 09/10/2019 19:22

I'm struggling to believe that a 16 yr old doesn't believe they can get pregnant? I thought we were well passed those days?

He's not worth your time.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 19:29

He said i wouldn't get pregnant if we had unprotected sex and for some reason I believed him

OP posts:
DoubtingMyPatience · 09/10/2019 19:33

At 16 you’ve left school, had sex education and you’ve probably seen or heard of multiple pregnant people. Yet one boyfriend tell you you magically can’t get pregnant and you believe him?

Brings me to: if he told you to jump off a cliff, would you?

DoubtingMyPatience · 09/10/2019 19:35

Not to mention if you wasn’t sure if he was your first or not, we’re you not cautious of catching chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhoea, HIV, genital warts, anything else that can be caught by having unprotected sex.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 19:40

I know I can get pregnant but he said i wouldn't get pregnant by having unprotected sex once so I believed him i dont know why.

I believed I was his first at the time but now I don't believe him because he had girlfriends before me.

OP posts:
Oneborneverydecade · 09/10/2019 19:45

I'm going to go against the grain and say meet him and take the baby. Is it possible he does want to meet the baby but his (misplaced) pride is stopping him from asking clearly? He's probably scared and didn't want to show it in front of his parents so avoided the situation. None of this is acceptable but maybe slightly understandable when you consider he's only 16?
Either way you'll be grand OP, your baby has everything they need in you. You can do this on your own, don't doubt it for a minute

Butchyrestingface · 09/10/2019 19:46

Have you had a thread about it just about the time you gave birth? Got an MN account handed over by his family member?
It's still the same. Nothing will change. Same advice from before applies

I remember that thread. Glad I’m not the only one experiencing deja vu.

Same advice as the last time, OP.

JorisBonson · 09/10/2019 19:46

OP have you spoken to your parents about this? You obviously need some guidance. You are so young.

Soubriquet · 09/10/2019 19:46

Well this proves we need sex education to kids when they are younger

You can’t make him be a dad unfortunately

It is what it is

I wouldn’t get back together with him either

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 19:51

I don't know if he wants to meet baby but he's scared.

I haven't had any advice on another thread as I haven't posted before.

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 19:53

I don't know if he wants to meet baby but he's scared

You said earlier in the thread that he told you to bring the baby if you do agree to meet him.

Original poster
MakeGreat · 09/10/2019 20:00

I asked him whos supposed to have baby whilst I meet him and he said 'bring him i dont care'. But I don't know if he wants to meet baby or if baby will just be there. And I don't know if he's scared.

OP posts:
TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 09/10/2019 20:01

You both sound incredibly immature. Sorry to be patronising but you're barely more than kids yourselves and he in particular is not emotionally mature enough to parent a child. Now you've learned the hard way that you can get pregnant the first and only time you have sex. Whether you get back with your ex, or meet someone new, insist they wear a condom OP and never take their word about not having STDs.

I'm pleased that the ex's parents are taking an interest and helping out a bit. Maybe in time your ex will grow up a bit and want to form a relationship with his child.

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 20:07

He told his parents he was going to see his friends

So they clearly knew that he went out, as he told them himself. Therefore they cannot have been surprised when you told them he had gone out, as they were there at the time?

Can you explain the difference between his "meeting the baby" and "the baby just being there" as I'm a little confused.

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