In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

Have you thought about telling them all, mother in law and husband included, to go and fuck themselves? You could sing them a song, Lily Allen does a good one called Fuck you. Or perhaps make a banner? They all sound like scum- get rid!

Don't waste your life putting up with this OP. Get angry. Your DH is your BIGGEST problem. How dare he take your children away from you Xmas Day

Do you have the means to save until its possible to leave? You need to leave for yours and your children's sake. This is so toxic. So so toxic. Im so sorry OP

I thought at first you meant you dh took the children to see his family while you prepared Christmas dinner but no he actually took them for their Christmas dinner and what happened to you? What did you eat. Did you have a special meal later on?
What the hell. This year the children stay with you and have a proper Christmas with crackers and fun.

Oh dear, OP, please listen to all the advice here. You and your children deserve much better than this.

@Jellybeansincognito

Letting kids relax and watch a movie or play a game isn't bad parenting. Constantly up their arseholes making them do something productive every minute and nagging them will just make them think of you as a boring old battle axe.

Honestly, one of my friend's wife is like this with her kids and constantly monitored their screen time and had activities planned for them and they just can't stand her now. They are about 15 and 17 and just deflate any time she is around them. They wont stay with her or anything.

Nestisflown

That's a good suggestion - much better than mine.

If you can finance this OP it might be a good initial move towards independence. And just booking and travelling on your own with your children will do you the world of good.

They sound awful. Like a pack of witches who no doubt have plenty of their own insecurities so need to pick on you like this to feel better about themselves. Absolutely awful. You poor thing. Please don't take it personally, they sound truly vile. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

I don't know if your marriage sounds like it's worth salvaging. It sounds like your DH's loyalty is with his family unfortunately.
I would however let him know, now, that you will NOT be spending Christmas alone, without your children.

You both seem on different pages in terms of parenting and discipline - would you try some form of mediation? If hubby doesn't agree you could go alone for advice on how to get back some control in that regard?

I would quietly focus on your relationship with the kids and get working on figuring out what you're entitled to especially regarding the kids should you separate. Keep him out of the loop and get cracking yourself so as you have your ducks in a row.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP

Hi OP. I really really hope you are ok.

Mediation (and joint counselling) is not recommended at all where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. OP is also being abused by her husband as well as his family of origin.

@nestisflown has made an excellent suggestion. Especially leaving a ticket for him as then you are giving him a choice - the nest of vipers or his FAMILY. Please try and be brave or it will be your children learning this behaviour and treating you like they do.
You do need to be brave; no one can fix this but you. Change it or leave. 💐 💐

OP some of this might be hard to read. It all comes from a place of caring and support and wanting what is right for you
Everyone can understand how this may have happened due to your background

I hope you do speak to women’s aid. They can help you.
Wishing you love light and many joyous christmases ahead. It is daunting to change your life especially when people are being so cruel to you but with some support you can change things for yourself

Haven't got passed the first couple of posts but bloody hell OP you're in an abusive relationship and need to find a way to leave.

What sort of husband scumbag won't believe his wife when she says his family are bullying her, never mind not only accepting that she isn't invited at Christmas but actually goes anyway taking the DC with him.

You need to start putting together an escape package. Contact Women's Aid for support. This is NOT normal and is no way to live.

**

Now, now Cormac. The husband may have early onset Alzheimers

Sorry to treat this lightly OP, but sooner or later the apologists will come out - many not meaning to undermine,/criticise but doing it anyway.

I think it's pointless saying "you shouldn't have done X, Y or Z" - what is done is done - the important thing is to help you out of this situation, or give you the support to change it.

The change has to come from you though - you can't change them, but if you are able to change your reactions to their cruelty (and it IS cruelty), it will force them to change theirs.

They won't necessarily become nice people, but they may give you some respect and treat you differently even if they continue to bitch about you behind your back.

If this goes to court will my previous MH affect my rights? I’ve got a girl and a boy, after they were born I had severe PND. It’s on my record, I took anti depressants for a while. I’m not on any medication but I worry it can be held against me.

My husband has never been physically abusive, he doesn’t call me names apart from it’s in my head or things to do with his family. His family are the issue, his family are mixed, their dad is Indian and their mother is white. I don’t think it’s a culture thing as they aren’t into their Indian side, my husband knows nothing about his heritage.

I will contact the landlord privately and explain my situation, he’s been really good to us over the years.

I know I sound like a victim I just don’t have the strength like you probably have. To start a new life with two kids is very daunting, it sounds terrifying. I think I’m a good mum I do play with them, read to them and we go out for forest walks a lot. I don’t let them see me upset, I’m strict with video games and iPad as I want them to play outside like how I used to. Not being stuck in their rooms all day, I mean play in the garden and not in the streets.

I will contact the GP and get counselling via NHS. I do feel down, I feel exhausted physically and mentally and having to smile to my children when inside I don’t want to feel like this.

I’ve asked him many times if we can spend Christmas just the four of us as a family. He says no because it doesn’t feel like a proper Christmas without his family and cousins. He says we can spend Boxing Day together, and we do. We go to the sales and have a nice dinner together, so that’s why I rather have that day then nothing at all. I let him because I never had Christmas days growing up, no one bothered but he’s got a whole childhood full of memories. So I think he needs that whereas it’s fine I never had it anyway. Sorry I’m rambling now, I will contact the agency today after work. Really appreciate all your comments and support.

Upthread I said that your husband was awful and your SILs were bitches. It seems as if I'm blaming your SILs more. I'm correcting this.
Your H is more to blame-he has vowed to love, honour and cherish you and he is failing at this.
I realise you have little money and, by the sounds of it, low self-esteem. OP, you have to find the strength to say 'no' I spend Christmas with my children.
You have to find the strength to leave this man.
Tbh, they all sound like superficial,nasty, fucking assholes!

I bet the sisters are jealous of you. Sounds like toxic MIL has taught them that your DH role is to be there exclusively for them.

Anyone who resorts to Botox and fillers is (IMO) insecure.
So now you need to keep reminding yourself that they are jealous and insecure. Your DH ideally needs therapy to deal with his fucked up family relations

Most importantly, It's not you OP ! Don't let them drag you down, work on your own self esteem. Tell yourself that you are a great person, great mum, beautiful and deserve better. Say this to yourself 100 times a day, even if you don't believe it at first, repeat until it becomes your truth. Listen to Louise Hay affirmations on YouTube. Once you raise your self esteem your life will get better.

Oh Zetty22 I'm so sorry. You deserve a life, you don't deserve some of the stupid comments on here and you deserve friends. Please see the GP, get help, find a hobby that will enable you to make friends.

Have these and my very first mumsnet LTB

He should be including you with Christmas.
If the house is in your name, kick him out and claim UC to help with rent.
No, your past MH of PND will not affect your rights regarding the kids.

I think this is one of the saddest threads I have ever read on Mumsnet.

I am so angry on your behalf - how dare he take your children away from you on Christmas Day and leave you alone. I am genuinely sitting here in disbelief.

You need to be stronger OP. The only way you will cope with these people is if you pull them up on their atrocious behaviour. Starting with your useless husband. Once you respect yourself, you won't put up with anyone else disrespecting you!

‘
I will contact the GP and get counselling via NHS. I do feel down, I feel exhausted physically and mentally and having to smile to my children when inside I don’t want to feel like this. ’

It won’t be useful to you until you leave the problem- your husband.
No he’s not physically abusive, but he’s emotionally abusive.

Please get some help and start to understand that the problem isn’t his family, it’s him.

This is bullying. How dare they treat you like that. Horrible people! I hope you get away from them all.

@Zetty22 My heart actually sank reading your post OP, no one deserves to be treated like this! You have a DH problem to.

Tell your DH if he isn't going to sort the problem then you will do it yourself and go no contact and that includes your DC, if he wants to leave he knows were the door is!! Don't let your children see you being bullied Op they will think its normal and end up either accepting the same in future or think its ok to do it to other people!!

Also tell your DH to piss of if he thinks he's taking your kids at christmas and leaving you alone, what an ass hole!!

I just watch Christmas telly and eat my dinner alone. Obviously I don’t tell my colleagues this, as I know I sound like a sad loser. So I lie and say I spent it with my family.

I have a good job, I think my saving grace was that I put myself through university and got my degrees. I can save from January onwards, I have my own account where my salary comes into. I won’t be able to afford our rent on my salary alone, so I will look at my options and see if I can claim housing benefit. My husband isn’t financially controlling, he’s happy to pay most of the bills but I don’t know if he will pay anything if I leave him.

If it wasn’t for his family, I think we both would have no problems. He’s happy at home with me, he says he has a laugh with me and he says he misses my company. Then his sister will ring saying she needs someone to look after her kids, and he goes running.

This is one of those awful posts that you just pray is a troll, even when you feel in your heart that it's not.

For anyone to suffer like this, and not to be able to do anything other than offer online support, is so bloody heartbreaking

So he gets to spend Christmas with his mother every year, but his children are expected to spend the day without theirs? Because he values family?

He's treating you awfully, OP, but your children are also being deprived because of it.