In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

Right, you do realise your children are seeing this behaviour? Think about that again. Your children are learning that it's acceptable to abuse you because everyone else is doing so. Your children are learning what a dysfunctional relationship looks like. Your children are watching as your husband sidelines you and belittles your. Where do you think children learn their behaviour from?

Celebelly's words are spot on!

Your own children are being taught to despise you and regard you as the person who isothere to be abused and used.

You say your children love your husband more - that's because he's not taking any responsibility for disciplining them - he's letting them do as they like, and is undermining you at every turn.

I think your early dysfunctional upbringing has led to such low self-esteem that you are unable to fight back. You just accept their spiteful comments because you don't think you have any real worth.

YOU DO! I don't know whereabouts in the world you are, or the ages of your children, or if there is anything redeemable in your relationship - but there is EVERYTHING redeemable in you, but you need to have something in your life that helps you to see your own self-worth so that you learn to value yourself as a human being.

Please don't let them treat you like this - it will get worse as you get older and your children will be taught by your husband and his horrible family to be contemptuous of you and ashamed of you. You deserve so much more.

Are you able to get therapy to help you (I know you said that you haven't much spare money so I appreciate this may not be an option) - or perhaps get yourself a part-time job - or even volunteer for a charity. You will make friends and learn that you ARE lovable.

The longer you are in this awful situation the more eroded your image of yourself will become. This year either insist on going with your family at Christmas, or insist they stay with you (or at least try). They won't like that and will fight it because they won't want you having rights of your own.

If they refuse to change plans, then volunteer with (say) the Salvation Army - help them feed the homeless on Christmas Day (and let your selfish family sort themselves out.)

I wish I could suggest something more but I don't know what's available where you are, or what you can afford, or where your strengths lie.

Your husband has married you because you are vulnerable and easy to boss about and control - but this should not be your life. I'm dreadfully sad just reding your post. You need just one little confidence-building thing you can use as a foundation - I know you have talents you aren't even aware of - explore them.

Your SILs sound very shallow OP with all their Botox and enhancements. Do you have daughters as you need to teach them that life has more to it than that. I bet you are super looking as well naturally without trowel loads of make up and shit.

You’ve had lots of good advice on here. LTB and ditch the bitches.

This is not right .. you are worth so much more than that !
You should not be sitting at home on your own on Christmas Day while your vile husband swans off to his disgusting , cruel family !
Please don’t put up with this anymore , he’s gaslighting you .
Did he tell you the kids like him more or is that just what you think ?

Does he get aggressive at all OP? Are you concerned he might get physical if you confront him? If so please talk to the police. I’m very worried about your situation as he sounds like a monster.

Your husband is a cunt. Start making plans to leave.

You know, I really doubt that your children live your dh more. He might be fun dad but you are their rock. I suspect that you get most if their negative behaviour because you're the safe one. That's quite normal. What is not normal is your bullying husband's behaviour.

They all sound awful, including your DH. Do you eat Christmas dinner alone? Anyone can see that is not right.

Agree with PPs.

Your husband is awful. Your SILs are bitches.
LTB.

WOW,what a horrible bunch of nasty bstards. I would be inclined not to bother with them ever again. You dont have to go to see them your vile h can.
Un-sure what to suggest as far as you dcs are concerned. Personally I wouldnt want them to have contact with them incase they pick up their traits.
I also think they are like that to you knowing you have no-one else which in their eyes makes you an easy target,
If possible get put there and join a mommy club or something along those lines.

What Barbarian said. The children may not be mature enough to recognise that they love you and can easily be distracted by frippery that they like, but underneath it all they do need their mum.

@Zetty22 - oh you poor woman. My jaw dropped open at the Christmas part of your post. This is not a normal way to love, life should not be this miserable. Please find the strength to leave him and live life on your terms. You do not need these toxic people.

My DH has never supported me

Your SILs sounds awful, but he's just as bad. Please distance yourself from this set of bullies, you are worth more.

Your dh is either a horrible bullying man or needs to open his eyes to see how horrible this situation is for you.
You’re bullied by his family and made to spend Christmas by yourself? Why is this? You obviously visit his family at other times but not Christmas.
If he says it’s for family, well you are his family too. Tell him you need to spend it with your family ie husband and children. WTH is this?

As far as your relationship with your children goes, it’s good that you’re strict with them. As long as you spend fun times with them too, show them lots of affection then that sounds like good balanced parenting.
Put yourself out there and try to make friends.

My heart hurts for you OP...You need to get away from that family before they completely destroy you.

Take the kids, move back to your friends and get a solicitor. You should get legal aid as this is domestic abuse.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through

Hope that you haven't got daughters!

He's a shit father & an absolute abusive bastard of a husband.

Your kids love you more than you think

This

I suspect that you get most if their negative behaviour because you're the safe one.

And this.

It will be upsetting your children to see you treated like this, you know. It really, really will.

They will hide it because they are young, and helpless, and nature's survival mechanism encourages outward compliance with the (perceived) stronger individual. You may not know it, but you are allowing your husband to teach them to bully or be bullied (I'm NOT blaming you here - I know that you are trying to keep the atmosphere safe and loving for them, but they are picking up so much more than you realise).

If they are boys, they are learning to bully their wives, and if they are girls they are learning that in life you either become a bitch, and cruel to other people, or you are at the bottom of the pile and everybody can kick you.

They will become bullies because they see that as a way to survive. Not because they don't care about you. I'll bet their little hearts are breaking at the way you are being treated but they dare not show it.

This situation just sounds very wrong. Some things you can’t ‘fix’. If the husband and family think this is perfectly normal (and won’t change) then I’d be thinking very seriously of backing out. The kids will be influence by them and start treating mum like crap too.

Sorry - it why have 4 kids with this man (and his batshit family?)?

I wanted to add another voice of support, OP.

Your DH has isolated you, belittled you and emotionally abused you. You have SO much to live for and you deserve better.

Your dysfunctional family likely inflicted a traumatic childhood on you, this can lower erase self esteem and sadly it makes it harder to recognise abuse (because it seems normal).

Remind yourself you are a good person, you are not ugly (they are) and you deserve to be loved and supported. We're all here for you, whatever advice or help you need.

Wait, what! I never say this, but please LTB. He sounds like a manipulative bully, and children need someone to say no to them sometimes and give them boundaries, he is going against you saying you are wrong to be doing this when he should be supporting you. He is making them feel this way, and to take them at Christmas to see his family and leave you behind, that's horrendous. They sound nasty, hope you're okay and please do know that you deserve better, and your children will be fine if you leave him.

This is awful, their all evil people. You need to talk to women’s aid and formulate a plan.

Sorry - it why have 4 kids with this man

OP someone has mentioned upthread your insisting the children stay with you on Christmas day. I don't think you'll be strong enough to this or withstand the vitriol your husband and his family throw your way.

What I would do is book 2 nights away for Christmas Eve and Christmas night somewhere far far away (you live in London so book the Gower in West Wales/ Cornwall/ Bournemouth). Make sure it's walking distance from a Beach/ fairground/ nice park so your children can have the time of their lives. Then travel with the children on Christmas Eve or anytime you know your husband will be at work. Book him a separate train ticket and leave it in an envelope for him as his early Christmas present. In the card write- you've surprised your family with an early Christmas present so you can spend Christmas altogether as a family this year. Write the address of where you're staying and tell him you'll pick him up from (Swansea/Bournemouth) train station.

That way if he does get angry- he's too far away to actually do anything about it and take the children away from you. If he does come in order to try take the children home, he will have to drag the children from their fun Christmas holiday.

That's what I would do with the skincare and private healthcare money.

If his mother and sisters come join you for Christmas anyway, whatever you do DO NOT LEAVE. Assert your position and rightful place as the children's mother. Repeatedly call out any rude behaviour and don't be afraid to ask his mother or sisters to leave if they cross the line.

Make sure your husband, his mother and his sisters know from today onwards that you and your children are an inseparable package, regardless of anything that has happened previously.

Oh op ! Please please ltb! He is abusive as are his family! You may think he is a good dad however what he is doing is showing your kids it's okay to be abusive towards mum too!
Going against you in your ways of parenting is wrong and doing things so the kids will "like him better" is also very wrong.

My heart ached when I read that you spend Christmas alone! This is all so so wrong! Please talk to woman aid or another charity.

I'm actually quite shocked at this !

(Sorry - don’t know where I got 4 kids from).