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AIBU?

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Original poster

In-laws called me ugly

409 replies

Zetty22 · 08/10/2019 23:49

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 09/10/2019 07:00

@Zetty22, You have all of us behind you. I hope you can take some strength from that. You have this support that they don't know about and hundreds of people that know about their shitty behaviour and they are the weird ones, not you.

Be the parent you want to be, don't try to mitigate your H's irresponsible decisions, it's his issue, not yours. For the moment, I would recommend living your life as if your husband is not in it. Don't worry about what he thinks, he's not worried. Stop spending money on skincare and build some savings again.Flowers

Mella91 · 09/10/2019 07:03

This makes me very angry and sad! They are horrible cruel spiteful people and it doesn't matter how glamorous they are - they are the ugly ones and your husband is no different to them.

You need to leave him as it seems he puts his family over you. Don't think of your children, they will be much happier in a separated house with a loving happy mother and father rather than being in the same house and both parents miserable.

If this is not an option you need to stand up to these bullies so your children grow up looking up to their strong mother standing against bullies. When they call you ugly let them know they are the ugly ones for being so cruel. Dont bother with small conversations with them (this only makes you seem needy) make them know they are worthless in your eyes and you couldnt care less about them

GlitterSparkle85 · 09/10/2019 07:10

That's awful parenting your own children isn't a competition and no it's not that your kids love him more they go with the easiest option. How did you and your hubby meet has he always been like this?

Redken24 · 09/10/2019 07:13

Your husband!! Leave, don't waste any more of your life on this family.

Minioooons · 09/10/2019 07:15

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

UnFUCKINGacceptable op! How dare he do this to you. And now your kids think that this is how it works. How old are the kids.
You deserve so much more than how they treat you. Your DH is just as bad as them. Have you actually looked into what youre entitled to if you need to leave him.

TapDanceJazzHands · 09/10/2019 07:18

This is such a horrible way to live. I agree with PPs. By leaving, you will ultimately be showing your children that you deserve to be valued in your relationships.

He is unlikely to get the children more than you- 50/50 could be realistic though.

I wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mother too. Don't doubt yourself.

Happymum12345 · 09/10/2019 07:23

It takes a Lot of courage to stand up for yourself in situations like this, and you sound like you’ve tried. It sounds emotionally abusive & it’s unacceptable. Keep standing up to yourself, refuse to have your dc go over there on Christmas Day without you. Remind them every single time that they are unpleasant to you that it’s unkind. Cry in front of them. If this fails, do not let your dc go there again. Do not let them whiteness their mum being treated like thins. Good luck.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/10/2019 07:24

With the way you’re being treated OP, if you tell the right people I highly doubt your husband will be allowed even 50/50 contact at first.

A judge would at least give you 50/50 so please, don’t feel like you’re losing your children if you leave. By the sounds of it, you’re losing them already whilst you’re there and the longer you stay, the more they’ll grow up and think it’s ok to taunt you.

Here’s a hand hold 😘

Countryescape · 09/10/2019 07:28

Leave your husband. He’s the problem. You can be the fun mum who allows sweets, late nights and junk food. Then they’ll love you more than him. The whole family sounds dysfunctional and you are too good for them OP. How sad they feel they need to have their lips, cheeks and Botox done.

WineOrGinOrBoth · 09/10/2019 07:28

Flowers I’m so angry on your behalf. Op you’ve had excellent advice on here. I hope you are able to take heart from that.

I sincerely doubt you are ugly. They sound like the ugly ones - inside & out.

Flowers
user838383 · 09/10/2019 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PixieDustt · 09/10/2019 07:32

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

Omg OP. You are FAMILY. Who on earth takes children away on Christmas especially when you're both still together.
Why have you put up with this for so long?
Why doesn't he see you as part of his family?
Don't wait for an invite you're their mum and you want to spend Christmas with them. Tell him you're going with him and that's final.

ChilledBee · 09/10/2019 07:33

Husband sounds like a complete cunt but you also seem like no fun for your kids. Stop all the silly rigid rules and relax a bit. Show them you have a personality and can be fun too.

Jellybeansincognito · 09/10/2019 07:35

How is sitting your child on an iPad being fun with your kids exactly? @ChilledBee.

You should be disgusted with yourself, look at how badly she is being treated, talk about stomping on someone when they’re down.

ThanosSavedMe · 09/10/2019 07:38

He is not a good father. You said you feel like you’re back at school being bullied. It sounds exactly like that. What would happen if you stood up for yourself? Easier said than done I know

user838383 · 09/10/2019 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Claphands · 09/10/2019 07:39

Teach them all a lesson- get you ur shit together and leave him. If you don’t do it now your kids will be lost to you anyway.

Indiemeg · 09/10/2019 07:40

I feel very sad for you and also bloody annoyed with these horrible people! Please go to your doctor and get referred to a counsellor who will give you the tools to make changes to your life.Your self esteem is clearly low because of your upbringing and then your husband and his family have compounded things.It’s a big scary job but you need get as much support as you can and start making small steps with a view to leaving this man.His behaviour is inexcusable and the children are not a reason to stay.They will always be able to see their father but the example they are being set is not healthy and I really feel you have suffered for too long.You are still young and ultimately you can and should find the courage to write these people off and make a happy life for yourself.

ZimmaZummaZoop · 09/10/2019 07:42

You can get help to rent somewhere else OP. Check your local council and see what bond schemes they have to offer.

This is more of an issue with your DP than it is his siblings. He should of stopped this a long time ago

Your children are only young, if you get out with them now then you can fix the damage he has done. His family treat you like this, your children will see it and soon think its normal. You dont want that

Honestly op if you want a healthy relationship with your children you need to leave. Hes good cop because hes engineered it that way, he cant be good cop if hes the only cop on the scene

Mary1935 · 09/10/2019 07:48

Hi OP I’m sorry you are treated like this. It’s atrocious.
Can you try and make friends with some of the mums at school.
It would broaden your contact with others. I would be your friend.🌺🌺
What a bunch of bastards they are.
Do you even love the man?
I think your self esteem will be on the floor due to your upbringing and the way you are treated.
Can you afford counselling - MIND do reduced rate counselling.
I would contact women’s aid also. There are local branches sometimes that offer support.
These people are a disgrace to the human race.
Have his sisters married - it would be interesting to know how they treat there husbands. They are very very unkind.
Keep posting for support.

CaveMum · 09/10/2019 07:50

A man who abuses (emotionally, financially, physically, whatever) the mother of his children can never be a “good father”.

Think about your children, you don’t say if they are boys or girls, would you want your daughter to accept being treated the way you are being? Or would you want your son to abuse his partner the way your husband abuses you?

Talk to Women’s Aid, read up on coercive control and then go and talk to a solicitor about your options.

You just get out OP, for the sake of your children if not yourself.

Mamia15 · 09/10/2019 07:50

If you both split, you get to spend alternate Christmas with your DC.

He sounds like a total shit.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2019 07:51

As in all these situations you have a DH problem and need to sort that out💐

nettie434 · 09/10/2019 07:51

I just couldn’t read this and not reply zetty22. There’s so much good advice in the other replies you have had. Agree that it will not help your children to see so much cruelty as the norm.

Groovee · 09/10/2019 07:53

Your dh bullies you as much as his family. Leaving you alone at Christmas etc. I would be looking to leave and make life better.