In-laws called me ugly

[Zetty22]

I’ve been married for several years now with two children, we get on fairly well and have a good home routine. My in-laws have never accepted me from day one, I have always been polite and friendly towards them, but they’ve always pushed me away.

I have four sister in laws, I’ve tried to befriend them over the years but it’s been unsuccessful. I’m always left out in family gatherings and made to feel like an outsider. When I’ve tried raising the subject to my MIL she makes me feel like it’s all in my head, then I think I might be going crazy. It’s never straightforward. It’s little bits of passive aggressiveness here and there, and if I call them out I get called crazy or confrontational.

Last week we went to visit them, they were playing an online game with my children. I tried to join in to make the effort for my children, they made a player avatar of me to look horrendous. Horrible jaw, bulging eyes and crazy hair, they laughed and said ugly like you. I just smiled as I didn’t want my children to see me upset, and I changed the subject so my children were distracted.

I cried on the way home, but my DH refused to believe me. He said his sisters would never do that, he thinks his lovely sisters can never do any wrong. He called me a crybaby and to grow up which made me feel even worse. I’m wondering is it because I’m ugly they don’t like me? They must call me ugly all the time behind my back. They are all very glamorous, they have done their lips, cheeks, Botox, etc. They look like the glam girls from Love Island and are obsessed with instagram.

I’m quite plain in how I dress, and look. I’m low on money so I don’t have the resources to look all dressed up. My DH has never supported me, and I think if it weren’t for kids I’d have left him by now. Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone. That’s a separate issue as I thought having a DH and kids meant I’d never have to spend special occasions alone.

My SILs are 34, 28, 24 and 19, I’m 33 years old. I feel anything I do or say is mocked, for example il ask them if they’ve seen a recent film to make conversation. They would all laugh and insult me. Typical example, I asked them if they’ve seen the crown on Netflix, they laughed and said we aren’t 90 years old like you. Then I feel pretty stupid afterwards, am I being a crybaby? I feel if I go NC with them my children will suffer, they are brilliant with the kids and they love them. If I stop everything my kids would be unhappy and maybe resent me.

I have no family or friends, so his family are the only relatives my kids have.

OP your husband is a cruel cruel man. A bad father. He's abusing you. What are your children learning? Do you want your children to bully you and others in the not to distant future? Because that's what they're learning and that's what will happen.

I have no experienceof abuse. I imagine he's worn you right down and you have no self esteem. But please, for the sake of your children, you need to leave. At 5 and 7 you can still teach them otherwise. Also, you can be the fun parent without giving treats and unhealthy things. Play with them in active ways- take them to their activities. Leave your husband to sort out the house work. Really take interest in what your children do and treat them in healthy ways (by treating them to activities/ days out/ gifts related to their activities). And plan your exit asap (which you might need to move if you can't afford rent on your own). I would stop the private healthcare as I don't think you can afford it. Also forget the skin treatments.

What a nasty man your husband and his family are. P.s. most people would've publicly called out their SIL for calling them ugly. It's more important that your children learn that name calling is unacceptable behaviour, than that they don't see you upset.

I feel I need to give them structure and routine even if they dislike me for"

I was going to mirror what nestisflown has said.

How many chores do you make them do?

Do you have fun with them?

You and your DH have very different parenting styles and need to meet in the middle, so you aren't playing good cop/bad cop.

Are your health issues being sorted out? Have you started counselling?

What sort of atmosphere do you live in?

@Zetty22 Op you need to leave and I don’t mean this lightly. Your in-laws are the least of your problems. Your husband is the main problem here.

Don’t stay for the kids. You don’t want them to think that this kind of relationship is healthy. Worse still, you don’t want your kids to pick up on maladaptive behavior because they might mirror those they see around them.

Please seek help to leave this toxic relationship. Don’t tell him you’re leaving until you’re fully ready. He might pretend to change to convince you to stay and you’ll start second guessing yourself thinking he’s not that bad or worse, he’ll up the ante and the emotional abuse will worsen.

Leave for your sake and your kids’ sake

Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

So, you sit at home all alone at Christmas time while your kids and husband go to his family. Why? Why would you do that?

Is your husband of a ME culture?
I used to have a (male) friend like this. He would make plans- his sisters call- "can you take me to a friend's house' and all other plans would be forgotten.
He was the only male of the house and all 4 sisters and his mother had an unhealthy dependence on him. It prevented him ever getting a true romantic relationship- he is now 50 and has never had a girlfriend of more than 2 months.
His blood family meant more than forming one of his own- and he loved the dependence on him.
Just sounds very similar. If it is- sadly you will never win against them.

Yes I was wondering that, what is both your cultural/ethnic backgrounds? I can't get past the Christmas thing! I'm thinking you may not celebrate Christmas in your culture, not that that makes it alright by any means!

Op I messaged you. You aren't alone, you have our help and support.

Why are you not invited for Christmas? How long does he go over there for? If its for an hour to exchange presents thats maybe acceptable but not much longer. I would never leave people alone at Christmas.

As for your sils calling you ugly! Cheeky, ignorant twits. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and with these women is clearly only skin deep as they are ugly inside.

Being called ugly is the least of the issues here. You don’t go with your children on Christmas Day? That’s not right!!!!!!

This is so sad. I don't know how one human can treat another this way.
Op you need to get out, leaving you on your own on Christmas day is disgusting and the fact all his family say nothing and treat you like they do says it all.
You sound lovely they sound vile! They've probably chipped away at your confidence over the years. Get out asap!

Walk and keep going. Nobody is worth putting up with this for. Feel really angry on your behalf.

Do not stay in such a rubbish marriage for the sake of the children; that is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. Is this what you want to teach them about relationships; this crap role model of one?.

Jettison him and his awful family of origin; you do not need such people in your life at all. They need you as their scapegoat for all their inherent ills, hopefully after you leave they will turn on each other.

Op, you are being abused. Walk away, if not for you, but for the children, they can’t grow up thinking this is normal, whatever culture you come from.
Go to your GP and ask for counselling, you need a hand while you’re unravelling this.
You can do it!
Big hug

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment as you have done when they have nothing else positive to write about their man.

They are not brilliant with the kids either because they are seeing you as their mother being abused and otherwise mistreated at first hand.

Wow I'd be sharp leaving that kind of "relationship" OP.

Would you stand for your children being treated like that by their partner on xmas day? Imagine THEM being left all alone. They'll think this is normal and okay!

Listen, you don't need to spend another day puting up with anything from him. Make today the day you wise up! You're not spending xmas alone this year. Good luck xx

My inlaws would have LOVED to be in complete control like this! My MIL would have absolutely killed for me to be in your situation. They had this shit for a year or two after my marriage when my eldest was a baby.
I started giving DH shit of his lifetime if he didn’t take my side. Includes making fun of him, taunting etc. I was totally prepared for him to leave. Next, I put up gates. I stopped all contact with inlaws. My kids and me come as a package. I don’t like them, I don’t go. My kids won’t go. Oh yea, they were all extra nice to kids giving them loads of sugar etc, but in my house it’s my rules. KIDS ARE NOT GOING THERE. DH went and perhaps felt like an idiot. He was alone but his sisters came with their partners and kids. DH started blaming me but everytime I showed him it’s his mum and sisters that caused this situation. (NEVER refer to them as his family. If he does, laugh and say it’s so weird. Because you and kids are his family).
Next, we moved abroad. This increased distance between them and brought me some time and peace to work on setting solid rules in my relationship. We have our own little traditions, things we all do as a family. DH still talks to them etc and one SIL made peace with me. I talk to her a little bit on birthdays etc. Mil tried, but I’m not interested anymore. My kids will NEVER go there (my eldest now understand why). I’m still the strict one with kids. DH is still the nicer parent. I spoil kids with lots of attention, love, cuddles, tickles etc, but I’m strict with sweets, studying, screen time etc. DS passed 11plus last year and is at a top Grammar. He now sees a reason behind my strictness.
MIL once forgot to put a placemat for me. I just simply grabbed the one next to me. She once forgot me when serving tea. I got up and grabbed a cup. she was so red in face both times! The trick is to build confidence. Be super confident and treat them like dirt. If she says you are ugly, say “well atleast I’m not fake!” and laugh. Raise your eyebrows and laugh when they say anything rude. Make eye contact with your husband and laugh (makes them feel ur husband is on your side even if he isn’t).
DONT leave your husband now. Get control over this and THEN leave him.

Can you move to a different city or even abroad?

Womens Aid and or your local domestic violence organisation are worth calling as are the Rights of Women organisation too (they can give legal advice so are better than Citizens Advice on such matters).

You need to get away from him and his toxic family of origin before they take you even further down and drag your kids down with them. They cannot and must not grow up seeing this around them as normal because it is absolutely not.

Also he’s a good dad and we do get on at home, it’s just his family issue that makes me want to run away. Especially as on Christmas he says it’s about family and he takes the kids over there. I’m not invited, and I stay home alone.

Any father who makes the mother of his children stay home alone at Christmas is a crap dad. Any father who spoils his children and undermines their mother is a crap dad. He is not a good father OP, not by a very long way.

Op, why are your kids on his side? Do you show your frustration on them? Do you express love? Do you cuddle etc?

Made DH do back end work (dinner, washing, cleaning etc) and you do the front end stuff (feeding the kids, teaching them, taking them out etc ).

You are too nice OP. Bless you. Big hugs. I’m there for you. PM me if you like. GET CONTROL op !!

You sound so depressed you see all this emotional abuse as normal, no loving husband wants to spend Xmas without his wife or would put up with his wife being treated like that. Stop trying with the bitches start planning your exit. Your husband is soft with the kids and breaks your rules ( great rules,, good on you , wish I could be that strong!) because he is insecure in your children's affections and is buying it with screen time and sweets

op you are being abused....they are separating a child from their mother on xmas day of all days..its shocking.mean and totally wrong.You are part of the family.If it wasn;t for you there would be no children.You need to take the kids and leave,however hard it is.What does he say to the kids when he makes them leave you at home? Do the kids not say why isn't mummy coming? Its all wrong my love and I know deep down you know this.You sound like a good mum doing all the right things.You need to get out of this and soon.

If you stay the chances are your children will grow up thinking you deserve to be treated the way you are. They will accept it as normal. If you leave your dp will have to do some real parenting - keeping the house clean, providing meals, enforcing some rules etc and your children will inevitably realise that they prefer life at your house. If his family all slag you off but you don't do the same then again they'll realise who is in the right. Whilst you are there seamingly accepting these comments and seemingly getting on with the family it is very confusing for the children and they will gravitate towards the 'fun' adults. If you stay then you must get your DH to change - starting with Christmas.

Wow OP I just want to echo what everyone else is saying, you are being abused, and your husband is complicit.
The Christmas thing is outrageous 😤 you are his family now not his sisters! How dare he take your kids away and leave you home alone.
Seriously you need to kick off, challenge every last little comment from his sisters, if they joke about you being ugly (I’m sure thats not true and just low self esteem talking ) say loudly ‘wow that’s so nasty, why would anyone say that?’ With a head shake - It will take balls to do it, but don’t accept them running you down like this. Lead by example for your kids.

OP this is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. Your husband takes the kids away on Christmas Day and leaves you alone?! That’s unfathomable. You’ve got to get your ducks in a row and leave this awful situation. Make notes of everything he does that makes you feel sad, all of these incidents, and call a solicitor.